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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsBorowitz Report- J.D. Vance Brainstorming Ways to Alienate Owners of Birds, Fish
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https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/jd-vance-brainstorming-ways-to-alienate
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)Senator J.D. Vance is working overtime to concoct statements that will offend the nations owners of pet birds and fish, the Republican VP nominee confirmed on Friday.
I would have loved to infuriate the countrys dog owners, but Kristi Noem got to them first, he said. Still, that leaves millions of bird and fish owners for me to piss off, and I, for one, am raring to go.
I know I have my doubters, he added. But anyone who thinks I cant repel every last bird or fish lover in this great land of ours doesnt know J.D. Vance.
The nominee acknowledged that his plan to alienate the pet owners is still a work in progress, explaining, There are so many directions I could go with this. Maybe Ill point out that people who own fish and birds are dateless losers. Or maybe Ill riff on how pathetic it is to fawn over species that are incapable of reciprocating affection. Im just spitballing here, but once my creative juices start flowing, thats when the magic happens.
I would have loved to infuriate the countrys dog owners, but Kristi Noem got to them first, he said. Still, that leaves millions of bird and fish owners for me to piss off, and I, for one, am raring to go.
I know I have my doubters, he added. But anyone who thinks I cant repel every last bird or fish lover in this great land of ours doesnt know J.D. Vance.
The nominee acknowledged that his plan to alienate the pet owners is still a work in progress, explaining, There are so many directions I could go with this. Maybe Ill point out that people who own fish and birds are dateless losers. Or maybe Ill riff on how pathetic it is to fawn over species that are incapable of reciprocating affection. Im just spitballing here, but once my creative juices start flowing, thats when the magic happens.
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Borowitz Report- J.D. Vance Brainstorming Ways to Alienate Owners of Birds, Fish (Original Post)
LetMyPeopleVote
Jul 26
OP
hlthe2b
(104,704 posts)1. Oh, I have faith.... He's a "natural" at alienating nearly everyone...
Irish_Dem
(55,272 posts)2. He just accused dolphins of raping human women.
Timeflyer
(2,432 posts)4. Say what?!? Not that I don't believe he would say that, the little couch-lover.
Irish_Dem
(55,272 posts)5. Here it is:
![](/emoticons/rofl.gif)
![](/emoticons/roll.gif)
![](/emoticons/laughing.gif)
![](/emoticons/rofl.gif)
Irish_Dem
(55,272 posts)7. There is something wrong with this guy.
SunSeeker
(53,001 posts)8. The comments to Vance's post are hysterical!
![](/emoticons/rofl.gif)
Irish_Dem
(55,272 posts)9. I can't read the comments.
I am not a member of x world.
I bet they are hilarious.
LetMyPeopleVote
(151,425 posts)10. The internet is having fun
megapuzzler
(441 posts)3. Well, his creative juices have already alienated the dolphin lovers