WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator J.D. Vance is “working overtime” to concoct statements that will offend the nation’s owners of pet birds and fish, the Republican VP nominee confirmed on Friday.

“I would have loved to infuriate the country’s dog owners, but Kristi Noem got to them first,” he said. “Still, that leaves millions of bird and fish owners for me to piss off, and I, for one, am raring to go.”

“I know I have my doubters,” he added. “But anyone who thinks I can’t repel every last bird or fish lover in this great land of ours doesn’t know J.D. Vance.”

The nominee acknowledged that his plan to alienate the pet owners “is still a work in progress,” explaining, “There are so many directions I could go with this. Maybe I’ll point out that people who own fish and birds are dateless losers. Or maybe I’ll riff on how pathetic it is to fawn over species that are incapable of reciprocating affection. I’m just spitballing here, but once my creative juices start flowing, that’s when the magic happens.”