Trump proposes balancing the budget by eliminating agencies that no longer exist

MOSINEE, WIS (Spurious News Network) -- At Former President Donald Trump's latest campaign rally, he announced that, should he be reelected in November, he will seek to balance the federal budget by eliminating ten agencies he describes as "no longer necessary in our quest to Make America Great Again."

His plan would probably work better if any of those agencies still existed.

Mr. Trump has proposed eliminating the Flue-Cured Tobacco Stabilization Corporation, the Bureau of Public Roads, the Office of Civil and Defense Mobilization, the Federal Radio Commission, the Works Progress Administration, the United States General Land Office, the United States Grazing Service, the Office of Economic Opportunity, the Bureau of Efficiency, and the Rural Electrification Administration.

He said of the Flue-Cured Tobacco Stabilization Corporation, "Tobacco is already stable and doesn't need the help of useless bureaucrats to become more stable. Besides, people shouldn't be smoking anyway." This agency was formed to run price support programs for tobacco farmers and was dissolved in the 1990s.

Of the Bureau of Public Roads, he claimed America already has enough roads. This agency supervised the private-sector building of rural roads in the western United States and was folded into the Federal Highway Administration in the 1970s.

The Office of Civil and Defense Mobilization was established in 1958 and disbanded in 1973. Trump says the Army is already mobile enough and doesn't need another agency for that.

Of the Federal Radio Commission, he claimed it should be eliminated because "no one has a radio anymore, they all watch television." This agency was replaced by the Federal Communications Commission in 1934.

Trump described the Works Progress Administration as a "terrible boondoggle that just takes money out of the private economy." It was dissolved in June 1943.

When describing his plan to eliminate the General Land Office, he says he "never heard of a general land, how can land be promoted to general? We're getting rid of that because no land should be anything higher than a private, land is below everything." Of the Grazing Service, Trump claims that cattle need no bureaucrat telling them how to graze as they're born knowing how to eat. Both agencies were merged into the Bureau of Land Management in 1946.

He describes the Office of Economic Opportunity as unnecessary because "only the private sector creates economic opportunity." President Ronald Reagan merged it into the Department of Health and Human Services in 1981.

He plans to dissolve the Bureau of Efficiency because "no one ever accused the government of being efficient." President Franklin D. Roosevelt eliminated it in 1933.

Mr. Trump believes the Rural Electrification Administration, which was absorbed into another agency in 1994, is not only unnecessary but also dangerous because "if you electrify a farm all the cows will be killed, and we don't want that to happen."

A Trump campaign advisor claimed ignorance of Trump's planned speech: "He eats all the donuts in the green room in front of us if we try to stop him from making a fool out of himself. We all like donuts so we've just started letting him say whatever the hell he wants."