The First Thing I Did was Secede

When the news broke over me last Wednesday morning, the first thing I did was secede from the United States and declare the existence of my own country. I am its entire population. If I acquire a cat, there will be two of us. The provisional name for this country is TinyGarden, but I reserve the right to change that if I think of a better one. The borders of my country are the walls, floor, and roof of my house, a single-wide trailer. Our resources include a pretty good library, several appliances not yet on their last legs, and hot and cold running water and air. I rent the ground on which it’s parked from a property owner in a city to the north of us. It strikes me that this is a fairer arrangement than the US has with the owners of the lands it exploits and inhabits. I think it would be an excellent idea if we were to pay the American Indians a monthly rental for the use of their land. They would use our rent payments to buy food and continue to lobby for treating the land with the same care they did before we pushed them onto the poorest tracts of this rich continent.

The advantages of being my own country are clear: I can maintain my own standards for trade, border security, the dignity of workers, charitable giving, definition of enemies, policy toward enemies, personnel hired, supervised, and fired if need be. My armed forces will consist of my keyboard and tongue. I will continue to trade with the merchants of my local community, except when I need to make a foray to a nearby Lowe’s or Walmart. If these businesses are restaurants, I will continue to tip generously, since a single mother cannot survive on 15% of the amount of cash I can spend for lunch. Border security is a cinch: I have stored both a rake and a shovel on my porch for years, and nobody has stolen either. In fact, one of my favorite neighbors may be of Hispanic origin, but he is incredibly useful and honest. In short, I maintain an open border. I have not been able to discover any enemies recently except the Republican Party’s leadership in Washington. They appear to have taken leave of their senses and once again embarrassed the US in front of both its friends and enemies. I will continue to send small amounts of money off to deserving and efficient organizations in this country and abroad. Like DU. Nobody will get rich on my donations, but I hope always that lots of other small donors will join me, and together we can make a difference.

One clear foreign policy has been formulated: never to say or write the name of the impending head of state of the US. The current head of state, Joseph R. Biden, is one of my heroes, and when he retires, he will continue to be. If and when they re-inaugurate TFG, I shall try to refer to him as the 47th Blunder, until I think of a better epithet.