Spurious News: New "Trump Class" battleships to be powered by sail!

NORFOLK, VA (Spurious News Network) -- "America needs to Make Its Navy Great Again," said King Donald Trump at a speech in front of Norfolk Naval Shipyard headquarters. "The new Trump Class battleships, the most powerful ships ever to be launched, will take our great United States Navy back to the days of rum, buggery and the whip - how things ought to be."

And they'll do it at the speed of the wind, because the Trump Class battleships won't have engines. They will have a full suit of sails.

"I must say," said President Biden's Secretary of the Navy Carlos Del Toro, "that building a battleship with sails isn't the craziest thing Trump ever came up with, although it's really high on the list. The craziest thing he's come up with this week is building a battleship in the first place. You might as well paint a hundred-foot target on the superstructure to make the ship easier to aim at."

The rest of Trump's speech has been questioned by Sailors.

"Hang on for a second here," said Machinist's Mate First Class Sarah Smith. "I'm looking through the list of weapons on these ships. The PRIMARY weapons on them are nuclear-tipped missiles? What the actual fuck?"

Quartermaster Second Class Joe Girard wonders about staffing. "He only wants 600 crew on an 850-foot ship? Even if it had engines that'd be really low."

Senior Chief Yeoman Lorelei Harris, chief of personnel services for the sprawling base, said, "When I got to work this morning I had a line of Sailors three blocks long wanting to amend their enlistment contracts. They want to add a 'no buggery' clause to them."

Lieutenant Commander Harry Edgerton, commander of a small warship homeported in Norfolk, pointed out the problems with the class name. "The first ship in class is supposed to be USS Defiant. But the class is supposed to be the 'Trump Class.' It's tradition everywhere that a ship class is named after the first ship in it. So, is it going to be the Defiant Class, or USS Donald Fucking Trump?"