Spurious News: Minnesota governor arms Minneapolis street gangs with heavy weaponry!

SAINT PAUL, MINN (Spurious News Network) -- On January 7, 2026, Renee Nicole Good, a United States citizen with no prior contact with law enforcement, was murdered by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials while she was driving her car on a formerly peaceful Minneapolis street.

"Renee never did anything wrong," said her mother. "We were all certain her car was broken because it never exceeded the speed limit. We later learned that was just her nature."

In response, Minnesota governor Tim Walz took steps to drive ICE out of the state.

"I rounded up 400 of Minneapolis' most infamous gang members and told them we had 'something special waiting for them,'" said Gov. Walz. "These poor guys thought they were all going to prison. Then we took them to the Arden Hills Army Training Site here in St. Paul and gave them a quick course in firing heavy weapons. You should have seen their eyes light up!"

Among the weapons the gangs were introduced to were the M240 machinegun, the Mk.19 automatic grenade launcher, M203 grenade launcher, TOW 2 antitank missile system, M109A6 self-propelled howitzer, M1 Abrams tank, the Patriot missile system, M270 Multiple Launch Rocket System, F-16 fighter, B61 atomic bomb, and the most devastating weapon of them all. "We gave them copies of the Army cookbook'" said Gov. Walz. "The president of the Minneapolis Crips, Marshawn Harris, read it then asked me the most important question of our time: 'Governor, you mean people actually eat this shit?'"

Mr. Harris reports that after the training session was over everyone at it was issued at least three weapons. "Man, I got a tank, a Bradley fighting vehicle, five copies of that fucked-up cookbook and a fuckin' A-10 Warthog. How the fuck I'm supposed to use all of these at once or even fly the airplane in the first place I do not know, but I got 'em. They told us straight out before they turned this shit over, 'Fuckin' ICE ain't listenin' to reason so you motherfuckers are going to use this shit to change their fuckin' minds.'"

He also explained that after the gangsters drive ICE out of Minnesota they're going to give the weapons and ammo for them back. "Man, this shit is totally wrong for what we do. Look, man, you whack someone not just to shut him the fuck up or punish him for something but to send a message: 'Motherfucker, you do what he did and you'll wind up here too.' Half the shit they gave us, you shoot someone with it and it'll turn your ass into hamburger meat. The rest of it will just turn you into a cloud of smoke. That ain't intimidating, man, and besides this crap weighs a ton. All of us liked shooting these, but none of us want to haul them around."

ICE responded by singing a rousing chorus of the Horst-Wessel-Lied and hosing down an elementary school playground at recess with a fire engine's water cannon. "Man, that's just crazy," said Mr. Harris. "What the fuck did those kids do to deserve that? And I don't know what that song was but if ICE is singin' it you know it's trouble."