RFK Jr. Recommends Drinking Anything That Comes Out Of Cow

Published:

January 8, 2026
WASHINGTON—Claiming that most people only get a fraction of the benefits the “nutritional gold mine” has to offer, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued new dietary guidelines this week encouraging Americans to drink anything that comes out of a cow. “While milk is already an established part of many American diets, it’s really only the tip of the iceberg where health-enhancing cow-based liquids are concerned,” said Kennedy, who remarked that substances ranging from cow pus and sweat to cow bile and amniotic fluid were all associated with better health outcomes in those who imbibed them. “Drinking these things straight from the cow means you’re not losing any of their beneficial properties to pasteurization, so I urge all Americans to get out in the field and start sucking ASAP. It can be the front of the cow, the back, the middle, doesn’t matter. Any opening you can get your lips around is going to leak something that does wonders for your body, be it an orifice or an open wound. And if it’s too thick to drink, just lick it, or try spreading it on toast.” At press time, Kennedy had reportedly been placed on an intravenous drip of bovine cerebrospinal fluid after unwittingly drinking from a cow that had been vaccinated.

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-recommends-drinking-anything-that-comes-out-of-cow/