Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business

SATIRE

Published: March 30, 2026

JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpentry business. “While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be various woodworking projects and not the establishment of a messianic kingdom,” said Christ, the Light of the World, adding that He was looking forward to finishing the walnut kitchen island He had set aside for His martyrdom two millennia ago.

“I realize many of you were looking forward to Me performing various miracles and casting Satan into a lake of fire, but I honestly can’t wait to spend My time building bookshelves, artisanal cabinets, and handcrafted chess sets—you can’t get that perfect rosewood for the pieces in heaven. We didn’t have power tools in Galilee back in the day, so I’m also excited to find out what I can accomplish with a band saw and a router, even if the righteous will, unfortunately, not be resurrected.” The King of Kings went on to request that His followers not pray to Him unless they were potential clients reaching out for an estimate.

https://theonion.com/jesus-clarifies-return-will-be-strictly-limited-to-carpentry-business/