ISLAMABAD (The Borowitz Report)—Negotiations between Iran and the US collapsed over the weekend after Vice President JD Vance scolded the Iranians, “President Trump has made you rich off the Strait of Hormuz and you haven’t said ‘thank you’ once.”

“The president has spent billions of US taxpayers’ money over the past six weeks,” Vance said. “He’s left your regime intact, hasn’t removed a single pound of enriched uranium, and has enabled you to charge millions for ships to pass through the Strait, which you never could before he attacked you. The least you could do is show a little gratitude.”

The chief Iranian negotiator seemed unmoved by Vance’s lecture, informing him, “You have no cards.”