BREAKING NEWS: Department of Justice indicts 80s musical act Tommy Tutone for alleged threats against President Trump

Acting U.S. Attorney General Todd Blanche announced today that the Department of Justice was charging 1980s musical act Tommy Tutone for what it alleges to be “clear and unequivocal threats of violence towards President Donald J. Trump” in its 1981 chart topping hit, “Jenny (867-5309).”

Notably, the indicting documents specifically charged Tommy Tutone by name, although it should be noted there is no actual single individual named “Tommy Tutone;” the name is actually a collective moniker for the musical group headed by musician Tommy Heath with various supporting members over the years including Jim Keller, Terry Nails, Jon Lyons and Jimmy James.

In a press conference alongside FBI Director Kash Patel, Blanche outlined the government’s case against Tommy Tutone.

“Mr. Tutone’s dark and nefarious musical screed can have no alternate innocent explanation,” Blanche said. “He wanted President Trump dead, and he wished to broadcast that message of hate out to the entire world. Or at the very least, to the radio listening public in the 50- to 64-year-old audience demographic.”

Pressed for details how the iconic one-hit-wonder specifically targeted President Trump, Blanche attempted to lay out details.

“To ‘86’ someone is obviously mobster code for ‘kill,’ ‘maim,’ ‘dismember,’ ‘mutilate,’ what not,” Blanche explained. “That’s just general knowledge. There’s no other way to decipher it than that meaning and that meaning alone.”

Blanche then continued on to interpret the rest of the song’s title.

“Next comes the ‘7,’” Blanche said. “And what do we know about the number 7? That it’s lucky. If you play slots, and you get three 7s in a row, guess what? You’re a big winner. And who do we automatically associate successful casino operations with? None other than Atlantic City’s own savior, Donald J. Trump.”

Blache then segued into both past and current world events.

“‘53’ refers to ‘1953’ and the overthrow of the Iranian Prime Minister and installation of the Shah that year, which was said to be done with the assistance with the CIA,” Blanch continued. “Obviously that event enraged the Iranian people and ultimately lead to the 1979 Iranian Revolution. We believe it is possible Mr. Tutone may have been working as something of a sleeper agent on behalf of the Iranian government in order to effectuate some sort of religious fatwa against the President.”

“‘0’—or ‘oh’ as Mr. Tutone sings it--that probably relates to Barack Obama,” Patel added. “And we do plan on questioning the former President as to any knowledge he may have about Mr. Tutone’s threats against Donald Trump.”

Attorney General Blanche insinuated that the song was believed to be a threat not just against President Trump himself, but to those closest to him.

“We have reason to believe ‘9’ refers to the nine members of the Trump family,” Blanche explained. “There’s Donald Trump himself, his five children, his current wife First Lady Melania Trump, and his two former wives, Marla Maples and Ivana Trump. And yes, we do know that Ivana Trump is already dead and therefore can no longer be threatened. But let me ask you this--did Mr. Tutone know that?”

Blanche and FBI Director Patel then laid out what they believed was the motive behind Tommy Tutone’s alleged threats, which they both attributed to a “radical anti-traditional family values agenda.”

“Think about it,” Patel told reporters. “Tommy’s just sitting there in a toilet stall in the men’s room and what does he see? He sees this ‘Jenny’ and what we are told is her phone number. And he instantly falls for her. He needs to speak to her. She’s now forever the love of his life, for no other reason than the fact that she wrote down her phone number in the bathroom. But then you have to realize a very important fact: Tommy is in a men’s room. Meaning this so-called ‘Jenny’ who wrote this was either actually another man or some member of the transgender community seeking to impose their will against the naïve young minds of the adolescent male population.”

“President Trump is the nation’s number one proponent of morality and decency and protecter against the sexual exploitation of our country’s youth,” Blanche added. “Mr. Tutone knows this stands as a threat against his deviant worldview and sought to broadcast his malicious intentions to the world in the hopes they would be carried out accordingly.”

FBI Director Patel said his agency was also investigating other potential threats from 1981 musical chart toppers against other members of the Trump administration, and specifically mentioned Rick Springfield’s “Jessie’s Girl” as targeting Vice President J.D. Vance.

Reporters pressed both Blanche and Patel as to why a song written back in 1981 when Trump was known only as a New York City real estate developer could somehow now be viewed as a clear and present danger to the President in 2026.

“What else can I say?” Blanche responded. “If there’s one thing that Mr. Tutone’s good at, it’s playing the long game. And catchy rhythm guitar hooks. But most importantly, the long game.”

DETAILS AT ELEVEN.