Editorials

Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘The Onion’

by Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO
August 20, 2024

Since Global Tetrahedron bought this publication several months ago, there has been significant chatter about who our company is and what it represents. Much has been made of my past as a tech entrepreneur, venture capitalist, human trafficker, and philanthropist. Some have questioned what interest we—a multinational behemoth with a portfolio encompassing everything from Lockheed Martin to the world’s largest puppy mill—could have in buying America’s Finest News Source.

Put simply, we understand that The Onion is special, and Global Tetrahedron’s entire executive team is dedicated to extracting all the value we can from that specialness.

During my years on our board, I have bought and looted many companies, including Boeing, Enron, Lehman Brothers, and Fannie Mae. But the media industry, in its already vulnerable state, seemed like a particularly ripe opportunity. We didn’t just see dollar signs when we looked at The Onion. Rather, we saw a strategic step forward for Global Tetrahedron LLC and Tetrahedron Holdings into the realms of population control and election manipulation. It’s a bet not just on the heartbeat of now, but also on the heartbeat of next.

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Personally, nothing brings me more fulfillment—more joy—than taking something beloved and stomping it into an unrecognizable oblivion. May Global Tetrahedron create a world where only the rich shall prosper, and nothing pure will ever exist again.

Infinite Growth Forever,

Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO