Very Special Boys don’t come Very Specialer than Donny Convict. he was born into obscene wealth and handed a four-hundred-million dollar fortune that he was allowed to squander, without consequence. he started business after business, and every single one of them went tits-up — but so what? his Klansman father — or a Russian mobster — was always there to bail him out.

did you know that Donny’s daddy once walked into one of his son’s failing casinos, bought over three million dollars worth of chips, and walked out without using them — effectively handing Donny an illegal multi-million-dollar gift. father-of-the-year stuff, right? when Donny got caught, he was allowed to keep the millions — and was fined a pittance of thirty thousand dollars.

the producers of The Apprentice took this bungling chucklefuck and made a tv star out of him, hoodwinking a nation of gullible marks into believing that a serial failure was the smartest businessman on the planet. after a lifetime of failing upwards and ever-upwards, Donny finally fell ass-backwards into the United States Presidency, where his hand-picked lackeys on the Supreme Court ruled that he could crime forever.

Donny now lives in a gold-plated golf motel. his criminal cases are pretty much stalled, the media sanewashes his increasing craziness, and his adoring cultists continue to underwrite his lavish lifestyle. Donny has every reason to be the happiest person on the planet. if you or I had this incredible run of luck, we’d be doing handsprings all day long, am I right?

but Donny’s not happy. he’s a grudge-fueled rageaholic. he can’t enjoy one thing about his soft, pampered life of unearned privilege — because he’s fucking broken inside, and incapable of any emotion besides hate.