Health Insurer Requires Patients to Begin Operating on Themselves Before Arriving at Hospital - Borowitz

CHICAGO (The Borowitz Report)—In what the company called a “slight modification in policy,” on Thursday one of the nation’s largest health insurers announced that it would require surgical patients to begin operating on themselves prior to their hospital admissions.

“Many of the preliminary procedures currently done in the operating room consume valuable time,” a company spokesman said. “Performing these procedures at home is an innovative way for patients to play an active role in their own healthcare.”

The spokesman said that, after numbing him or herself with a favorite beverage, the patient will be expected to make the first incision.

“We recognize that operating on yourself can seem daunting at first,” the spokesman said. “That’s why we’re posting tutorials on YouTube.”

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