everyone knows that penguins have been taking advantage of us forever. those tuxedo-wearing motherfuckers are so smug. ‘look at us, we’re formal.’ big fucking deal, no one’s impressed. what are you dressed up for? you don’t have anywhere to go. you don’t even have real wings. eat tariffs, you fucking parasites.

Mad King Donny just levied tariffs on an island inhabited solely by penguins. sounds like something only a crazypants imbecile would do, right? well, there you go.

so, Donny’s done gone and done it. he went ahead with his “liberation day” of reckless and ruinous tariffs — and, because Donny is Donny, he did it in the most capricious and incoherent way possible, slapping a different, seemingly-random percentage on every county in the world.

oh wait — not on every country in the world. Russia didn’t get tariffs. that’s pretty weird, isn’t it? probably just an innocent oversight, I’m sure.