Kristi Noem Leaving On A Sex Plane

Does Corey have to stay and be Markwayne Mullin's fuckpiece, or does he leave too?

Department of Homeland Security Secretary, ICE Barbie cosplayer, luxe air travel enthusiast, and future defendant on a fuckton of human rights violation charges Kristi Noem is out, promotefired suddenly today by Donald Trump for we don’t even know what real reasons. (She got beat up on TV, by Republicans/she said Trump Himself personally okayed $200 million in “Make Kristi Great Again” Super Bowl ads, take your pick but it’s one of those.)

In Trump I, everybody was fired or quitting all of the time — Trump had, at last count in our heads at the moment, 147 attorneys general — but in this somehow worser term, Trump has declined to can even the most embarrassing fucknozzles, so as not to give the media “a scalp.” Somehow Kristi Noem failed to clear the bar, which was under the ground, and so she is cut.

Noem will leave DHS at the end of the month. Perhaps she will take a few more field trips to personally stand in front of scary shaved-headed tattooed inmates in El Salvador (who actually weren’t actually any of our deportees, not that that matters) or to rappel from a helicopter to bash in every door in an apartment building, no warrants required, and put every resident — citizen and immigrant, grownup and child alike — zip tied onto a bus. Fuck if we know why that never made the NYT or WaPo front pages.

She is to be replaced, if Trump gets his request (he presumably will!), by Sen. Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma, who may have secured the job this week when he pretended to know all about War Things like what does war smell like and what does war taste like. Mullin, a wealthy plumbing contractor, has never served in any branch of the military or seen combat, but he’s already demonstrating he has the flair for military cosplay that made Noem so qualified for her job.

Noem herself will take on a new made-up job called “Envoy for The Shield of the Americas,” Trump said on his fake Twitter site, describing her new job as leading “our new Security Initiative in the Western Hemisphere.” We guess that means she’ll be transferring her war crimes skills from overseeing ethnic cleansing and concentration camps to picking targets for the military to blow up with drones and then claim they were smuggling drugs. Dog breeders in South and Central America, you have been warned.

https://www.wonkette.com/p/kristi-noem-leaving-on-a-sex-plane