your sister fusses at you say "I have been diagnosed with *** medical syndrome and cannot help" whatever she is fussing about.

I do get treated for Depression so maybe I ask my psychiatrist if there is a specific medical diagnosis for it.

It does ring some bells. Particularly having difficulty with athletic skills, handwriting, and even tying shoe laces.

I remember in Kindergarten, I already could read well, but I struggled with tying my own shoes.

are going through that. People sense weakness like a shark smells blood. Can you use humor somehow to offset their stinging comments?

that people in your life, people who should have been maximizing you successes and minimizing your weaknesses to support you, and treated you in a way that has always made you feel less than.
While it is unlikely to help in the moment you are being belittled, it might be useful later to keep in mind that their derision is more about them than it is about you. If your sister knows, has always known, that, say, asking you to assemble the IKEA dresser is not going to end up with the best result, then why would she ask you? Because if you fail, she gets to take out her anger and frustration at everything that has nothing to do with you, and in comparison it makes her feel a little better about herself. Not to say she necessarily does it on purpose, but if she watched your mother treat you similarly, then that showed her a pattern of behavior she would think was perfectly fine. But it isn't, and never has been.
I think it's okay to opt out of a task that you feel isn't in your wheelhouse, maybe offering another in its place. Offering to clean up in the kitchen instead of that IKEA dresser, for instance. And to firmly and lovingly stand your ground. I think it's also fine to tell your sister, in a calm moment, that yelling at you is not going to make you any better at tasks you have never been good at.
If you have access to a therapist - or if you already have one - that would be a good place to both practice some phrases that might help in the moment and also process a lot of the hurt that you carry.
I know you aren't useless, and I've never met you. You just expressed a complicated emotional jumble of pain so clearly, and then reached out for help. Those are two skills a *lot* of people could use and definitely do not have. 💚

It does help. Your input about her personality is intuitive. My sister is the type who is often overly generous both with her money and volunteering to do things for others. Yet on the other hand, she acts resentful, and says she never gets time to herself because she's always doing things for someone else. I have gotten my courage up enough sometimes to say, "Then stop offering, especially when you're not even asked for the help to begin with."

I suggested she might want to talk to a therapist, but she won't. I myself do go to both a psychiatrist and a therapist. I love my sister a lot and am grateful, but I just wish she could learn to accept others' limitations as well as her own. She is extremely smart, but has very little patience with those who can't keep up. She even had a boss write that on a job evaluation once earlier in her career.

First, I would like to say that I'm sorry that you're subjected to both

1. Verbal Abuse: Which includes but not limited to Name-calling, Condescension, Criticism, Demeaning Comments, Accusations, Threats, Blame, Gaslighting, and Manipulation.

2. Emotional Abuse: Which includes but not limited to Shaming, Blame, Criticism, Guilting, Humiliating/Embarrassing/Ridiculing, Accusations, Manipulation, Controlling, and Withholding


Most of the time as someone who is subjected to abuse don't even realize that they're being abused.


I'll make a few suggestions.

1. Set boundaries. Every type of relationship needs boundaries. Tell your sister that you can leave or she can leave the house if the yell or criticize you. Follow through with your boundaries.


2. Stay calm. I know it's difficult but simply walk away if you need to.


3. Do not blame yourself. It's not your fault that your sister is abusive.


4. My most important suggestion: Seek a mental health counselor or a therapist. These people are specialized with helping people who are abused and ways to deal with it. They are much more qualified compared to anyone else here on DU.


I hope that you find the strength to recognize that fact that you're being abused and that you find the strength to seek professional and qualified help.

We do have a mental health support forum if you need it.
https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=forum&id=1151

Many hugs to you.

I am in therapy, and talked about it with my psychiatrist today. She made me laugh. She said her own immediate response to my sister, would have been, "what the hell is your issue? Like you never make a mistake or do something accidentally?" Also she said she would say, "if you're always going to act like whomever is just trying to help you isn't meeting meeting your expectations, then don't be surprised that no one offers to help anymore."

But then she added that the recommended professional advice is that I should repeat how it makes me feel when I am criticized so harshly, and say that if she wants my help I am willing to give it, but only if I am treated with respect. She said, if my sister tries to argue with that, turn and walk away, and go do whatever I want to do, and do not feel guilty because I gave her my terms and it's on her, if she's not willing to meet them.

I'm relieved to know that you have a professional that you can talk to.



Abusers suck, even if they are family.

Last edited Tue Sep 3, 2024, 07:27 AM - Edit history (1)

I wish we all could see ourselves as others see us. It would help us, and maybe your sister, to be more understanding of others. I, too, think you have a medical condition. My sister-in-law told me about two of the other children in my husband's family that had a condition that sounded a great deal like what you describe. She wanted me to make sure my son didn't have it. I told the pediatrician about it, and he told me that my son didn't have it. I am so sorry but I don't remember the name. The treatment was what was described in the article posted, mostly occupational therapy. Those two children, now adults, have also struggled with depression and anxiety all their lives. I would talk about this with your therapist and see if you could be diagnosed as an adult. May even now something could be done for you that would help you to understand it is not your fault, just the hand you were dealt. I'll be thinking of you, and if you feel you can, please let us know how you are doing. Take care.

was more a medication visit. She did give me some advice on how to respond to my sister's behavior when she's acting negatively towards me.

She also suggested that I should talk my primary care to see if he thinks there could be a physical condition causing the clumsiness, and ask what resources are available if it is? In addition she wants me to talk to my therapist about ways to cope emotionally when others aren't being understanding enough that it's not something I can control.