fart????

"Who threw a stinky?"

Proud of ‘em all.

What is this "fart" of which you speak?

And even if I did, the scent would be of roses in springtime.

Shouldn't be that embarrassing, at least not as much as my performance, but it was our first time together and I wanted her to think of me as Joey Ramone, not Joe Dirt.

If so, it MUST be true love!

She was even more disgusting than me. haha

pump pump thhhhp pump

The massage therapist didn't say a word, but I was mortified! Of course, it's a natural body function, and I was really relxed, so that's kind of a compliment that I didn't even feel it brewing to squeeze it off?

You'd think the professional associations that they belong to would issue gas masks or something.

My farts smell like roses!

During my freshman year of high school, I broke an SBD in a small car full of sophomore girls…

It was embarrassing, even though I didn’t get caught.i was in a major supermarket, conducting my hunting-gathering business when I had a vent-to-atmosphere release, I knew it was gonna be bad, judging from the high temp, and by the time it reached my nostrils, there was no doubt that paint was gonna start peeling from the shelves imminently .About the time I made this horrifying discovery, I saw the nose of a shopping cart emerging around the endcap, coming up the aisle. I did a little sprint to the other end of the aisle and took up station on the far side of a display, looking down the aisle I had just contaminated. I saw two toddlers, roughly 3 and 4, a boy and a girl, the mother, and an infant in a carrier within the cart. I observed this crew as they approached the effluvium, at which point everyone froze in their tracks. Mother began an interrogation, to which plausible denials were proffered. Mother then checked baby’s diaper, and my sides started aching from stifled guffaws. I escaped blame, but I was still embarrassed.

I was in the Navy, in a foreign port, meaning everyone assembled topside in the morning. After a night of drinking beer and eating pickled eggs, I took my place in formation and released what I expected to be an innocuous little poot. It turned out to be a sulfuric public health emergency. It was so pungent that one could discern the direction from whence it wafted, and the evidence all pointed to me. This was more embarrassing than the last story.

I had no earthly idea beforehand. There would have been no doubt, had I deployed a test fart, the implications would have been obvious. Perhaps my digestive tract slept in that morning - stirring itself awake at the most inopportune moment. Too much dark beer the night before. The pickled eggs had time to leisurely release their sulfurous compounds for bacterial breakdown before the colon roused itself and said, ‘get all this gas outta heah!’ Totally silent too, which added to my confidence in cutting loose. As I walk-farted my way toward formation, I was oblivious to the trail of destruction in my wake. As I took my place in formation, the horrible realization caught up with me at the same instant sulfuric fumes reached that part of my brain that analyzes strange smells. Have you seen the trick where you sprinkle ground black pepper on top of water in a glass, then sprinkle a pinch of table salt and observe the pepper fleeing to the farthest extent possible? It was like that as a huge gaping hole opened up around me.

EYESORE making everyone else's NOSE SORE!

But from my dog... We were just enjoying the day. And on one moment we were in an elevator which was quite packed. Apparently the old bugger did some dumpster diving the day before because he let one rip. I call them his 'Silent Death' ones. You hear nothing, but oh boy... People were convulsing. And who would suspect that sweet Labrador...

blame the family dog too, Jo!

I'll offer a confession later on. Tell me that you shared your own flatulence reflections somewhere in here.

During that procedure. I had two. There is a reason they wear facescreens and rubber aprons

I was told I couldn’t go home until I farted.

Those are the most epic farts.

Some years back, I was in a large queue for Dr. Sato's Screamland, and I felt a big one coming on. I decided to let it rip and play dumb. Noise disguised the fart sound, but oh man, it was a potent one. Folks were making faces and gross out sounds and looking around. I just kept on my most innocent face. I could barely contain my laughter, but no one was the wiser.

During the clean and jerk, I let out a loud one on the “clean” phase where the barbell is lifted to the shoulders. Felt like a jerk. But felt much better when I completed the lift!

really let it rip during a squat!

“To the Royal Academy of Farting”

In 1781, Ben Franklin drafted a letter to the Royal Academy of Brussels, one of the most respected scientific organizations in Europe. And in it, he asked a very important question: “Why are you putting absolutely no effort into figuring out how to make my farts smell better?”

https://allthatsinteresting.com/ben-franklin-fart-proudly]

I cleared out a classroom at the end of a graduate level chemistry lecture, by ripping off a particularly loud one. No one dawdled in leaving the room!

One of our DU colleagues, NewHendoLib, was a witness and joined the exiting stampede.

7th grade classroom, and my SBD turned not-so-silent. The girl ahead of me turned to face me, and gave me this LOOK. I sat there, mortified, saying nothing.

She leaned around me and told the boy sitting behind me, "That's disgusting!"

Baffled, for he had been reading and hadn't noticed the detonation, he asked, "What?" He protested when the girl repeated her accusation.

Just in case I did get caught for doing the deed, I decided to make a joke of it. I told the boy, "Dude, I heard it come from behind me!"

As class ended, he kept following the girl, loudly protesting, "I swear, I didn't do it!"

It was from the leftover spaghetti I had for lunch. The smell was brutal- very garlic-y and very pungent from the roasted peppers in the sauce. I knew the fart was coming and I remember shifting around in my seat trying to hold it in but it squeeked out. Everyone within 5 or 6 seats from mine could smell it and that dickhead Steve Badger blamed it on me. I denied it but the red embarrassment on my face gave me away. To this day I call such farts "spaghetti farts."

My second and present husband has been told he's lucky by other guys.

My first husband used to shop with me and rip one out and then walk away. I was left alone with the fall-out while other shoppers came by. He would peer from a safe distance and laugh. That's how he entertained himself--one of the many ways I felt abused and disrespected by him.

various kinds of cheese. and was preparing them for the class to sample. They were getting a little loud and I said " calm down , can't you see that I am trying to cut the cheese?" They started laughing and at first I didn't know what they were laughing at. Then it hit me that I said I was cutting the cheese.

in an elevator by myself and I was hoping no one would get on before I got off.
I reached my floor and the door opened and there stands a beautiful young lady and her dog to get in, I hurried off and took off down the hallway feeling kinda guilty, but I was laughing my ass off thinking about that dogs sensitive nose and once the door closed the girl had to take the ride.
Damn, I shouldn't have.

first class of the day in the middle of the morning prayer my friend ripped one that echoed off the walls.

The teacher was the basketball coach who was a particular taciturn fellow.

Nobody laughed - nobody moved. The prayer finished and the coach took my friend out the door. As soon as that door shut a big whoop went up in the room.

Almost as if it was a scene from some high school movie.

I stopped the car (which had several passengers) to check the tires. BS, for sure. Then the gastritis horribilis occurred. With the wind whipping I walked by the trunk, then the right side of the motor vehicle, the hood and finally got into the driver's seat. Despite the fact the wind was howling the damn thing followed me through several windy directional changes like a lost puppy, And it entered the vehicle mortifying my passengers!

I wish I had the courage to warn people.

the pastor, a church elder, and me. It was a weekday afternoon and I had dropped in to bring some clothing donations.

There was zero warning. Had no idea it was coming or I would have excused myself and rushed to the ladies' room. The 3 of us were talking when suddenly a large gust of air just shot right out. No odor, but it was LOUD. I swear it echoed off the walls.

The other 2 were visibly startled and looked at each other the way you do when you hear a sudden bang and wonder, 'What was that?' You look around to see if something fell off of a shelf. While the noise was still reverberating in our ears, they both turned to look at me as it dawned on them what the sound was. Neither one spoke, but the pastor's face looked stern and annoyed, as if I was a crude barbarian who did it intentionally.

I was mortified. I know that I should have said, "Excuse me. I'm sorry." But I was so horrified that I could not speak. I just froze. Then I managed to mumble that I had some things to do and left quickly before another one escaped. Felt like a cowardly clod.

but I managed to hold it back.

I was having outpatient surgery in the doctor's office, a gynecologist. He was removing a section of my cervix after a positive PAP and biopsy. Local anesthetic, so I was awake through it all.

So there I was on my back, feet in stirrups, nude from the waist down, and the doc was crouched down, face up close as he he gave the anesthetic shot into the cervical area. I could feel a small intestinal air bubble and thought, "Oh no. I can't fart in his face." So I tightened the muscle, not realizinlg that the simple tightening caused movement. He asked if the shot had pinched. Not willing to admit the real problem, I said, "Just a little."

He said that once he started the procedure, I would have to stay perfectly still because any movement would put his hand off course, removing more tissue than necessary or the wrong tissue. He moved away for about ten minutes to let the anesthetic take hold and I released the small, mercifully silent and odorless air bubble.

The surgery went well. I stayed still, so there was no veering off course. In fact, he told me that healthy tissue would grow back, good as new. So I said that he was a miracle worker, turning me into a virgin again after two marriages.

You have asked many questions over the years, but this one is a DUzy. You're truly the Barbara Walters of the Democratic Underground.

So many hilarious anecdotes in here. My tale isn't nearly as funny as others'. It would have been in junior high, Grade 9, I believe. Standing at our lockers with a group of friends, talking. It was mid-afternoon and I'd been suffering from gas pains all day. Ready to pop like a balloon. Sure enough, another friend approached from behind and jabbed me in the side. That compressed air expelled like an afterburner!




I turned beet red. Everybody heard it. Didn't want to go back to school the next day because I was so embarrassed.

look forward to them. Love you

Old guy reading the directions on a new fangled deodorant applicator:

"Remove top and push up bottom."

Old guy: "My bottom is still sore, but when I fart the room smell lovely!"
_____________

OK, I'll let myself out now.

Last edited Wed Oct 30, 2024, 09:23 AM - Edit history (1)

An answer to a password Security question 😀

Oh, I suppose that was 'time' rather than 'place',
but under the circumstances 'time' overruled 'place'...

I had it under control, until I lost all control...

Don't tell anyone.


(Thank god that was with a long-established partner,
and not with "a new girl"! LMAO)