MLB announces "don't make me pull this ballpark over" policy

NEW YORK (Spurious News Network) — In light of a recent upswing in spectator interference incidents at Major League Baseball games, capped by an infamous incident in Game 4 of the World Series where two New York Yankees fans grabbed Los Angeles Dodgers rightfielder Mookie Betts as he was stealing a home run, Commissioner of Baseball Rob Manfred announced that a severe collective punishment for spectators will be implemented if it ever happens again.

“The next time one of you reaches into the field of play to catch a fly ball, we’re going to install a five-foot-high net all the way across the bleachers at every MLB stadium and publish a league-wide ground rule that hitting the net is a home run. In baseball there’s a time-honored tradition of catching home run balls. We in baseball love seeing it as much as the fans do, but you guys have got to stop interfering with plays. If you don’t, we’re gonna fix it and you won’t like how we do it.”

Player reaction to the announcement was mixed but generally positive. Yankees rightfielder Aaron Judge said, “while we really need this in light of what happened to Mookie, I kinda feel sorry for the people with Row 1 seats out there - taking away the chance to catch a home run ball makes spending the extra twenty bucks for a Row 1 seat in Yankee Stadium kinda pointless.” Betts was enthusiastic: “I thought those two were going to drag me over the fence, lock me in a basement and make me survive on nothing but dollar pizza slices and egg creams until the Series was over, so yeah, I like this a lot.” Dodgers designated hitter Shohei Ohtani said through his interpreter Will Ireton “It won’t affect me at all because I always hit them into the upper deck, but this has got to stop. Thank you, Commissioner Manfred.”