A Family is.....

A gift given each of us if only we can find ours.
For some of us, it's pretty easy as it's right there with us from infancy on, you know, Mom, Dad, Grandma and Grandpa, Bros and Sis extending out in a supportive and loving environment.
For some, it becomes the camaraderie's of our work, our enlistment, our passions.
Yet for some of us, it seems an unattainable goal. The abuse, neglect, abandonment, betrayal all insulate us more and more into our own emotional cocoons.
I am one of the latter. I didn't go home from the hospital with my parents. I didn't get adopted either. My first memory of my mother was me standing in the kitchen of our townhouse, (sure it had different name in '69 or '70) at 63 Drei Kreux Weg in Neckargemund, W Germany, her trying to hug me and me standing with my hands at my sides. I was 3 or 4 years old. I had no idea what to do, I did not feel loved, whatever that means to a toddler. I know that sounds really cold, but to this day, I can only guess what they feel other than total dependency.
She got mad because I wasn't reciprocating and fairly soon thereafter I was off to another home or group home.
Then I'm in another strange house with another woman I'm supposed to see as mom, another man to see as dad and God knows who as my new brothers and sisters. This cycle repeated at least 8 times that I can remember and at least once that I can't.
Some of us wander for decades, seeking love we cannot feel, seeking acceptance that cannot be offered, seeking validation that's always just out of reach. Fearing abandonment therefore pushing away, fearing the next abuse so always hyper-alert, always expecting, My intuition got so good I'd get physically ill when a beating was coming.
The worst part for me was the cyclical part, where I subconsciously recreated these patterns again and again by projecting my fears and insecurities onto people I was dating, working for, friends with.
What I really couldn't figure out emotionally was why I can't have it? and why all the people close to me can't give it?
It almost seems silly, but I would never
Ask a Plumber for instruction o Astronomy
Ask a man to describe being pregnant and giving birth
Ask a frog to describe the taste of Budweiser and yet,
I've done that with my relationships when there before me all this time, all these years my family was those who I connected with, on whatever level that was.

DU has taught me something about family that has me feeling soulful joy!
I used to have an account here some years ago under YoungDumbSon. I lost the password so I had to start over.
I always told people it was my Buddhist name, meaning stay young, stay dumb and stay son each in a Buddhist way. Be a child, seek to learn, you are a son.
You have taught me that YOU are my family. You in a Buddhist meaning. I've learned enough from some of you in my recent interactions to now be able to relate on what I would consider to be an intimate level.

A passionate hobby or sports team connection qualifies as a first Cousin, someone you confide your secrets to would be your favorite Aunt or Uncle, A particular disdain for gas prices rising 30 cents at a time would be a distant Cousin, When someone describes themselves and you thought it was you they were talking about? That's a Brother/Sister, no question. Obviously levels in-between.
My point is, it's really easier to set appropriate boundaries and expect and offer a healthy intimacy, when what that intimacy level is is based on real earned exchanges, not some "This is what family is rule-book".

I've spent the last 2 or 3 weeks in deeper reflection, contemplation than ever before. You, my family, have shown me and taught me so much that I'm bursting at the seams.
Since the Summer of 2000, I have walked around and professed my definition of love that I discovered after a 6 months bi-weekly argument about how one person could love everyone/anyone.
It came down to answering her final question to me after those 6 months. "What is any person ENTITLED to from you?"
My answer hasn't changed until today. Acknowledgment, A Helping hand if they obviously need it, (Boy Scouts version), and a Kind wish.
Today I have to add, You are My Family.

When I say Thank you from the bottom of my heart, this is an example.
I'm moved to tears again and again by all the things you've given my soul.

Love
John
YoungDumbSon