Healing vibes on the way to you.

Clearly, neither you nor he is safe with him at home anymore. You did what you had to. He may not understand that, but that doesn't make you a failure!

Please take care of yourself, too. And that means being kind to yourself. You did the best you could and no one can reasonably ask for more.

memory care facility has some advice for those that leave loved ones in their care, to undertake, e.g., perhaps establishing visiting routines, establishing a regular mailing routine, e.g., cards or whatever for him, kind of keeping him grounded. More than likely, they're probably giving him some meds that may help his forgetfulness, or engaging in some sort of health routines that will help his memory.

You are doing the best thing, for him and for you. You must remember that, that your health is top priority, so you can still be there for him down the road later.

You too, try and have a nice holiday season too, perhaps call some friends, join up w/ them, etc.

My best to you...

I went through something similar when taking care of my father and mother who both had dementia. I wanted to keep them together in their home, but he became dangerous to her because he was very large and strong while she was frail. The first days after he moved into the facility were a nightmare of guilt and uncertainty for me. After a few days I realized that he was actually calmer and more content in the new place. The well organized routine seemed to make him less anxious and angry.

Good luck and strength to you.

and my Dad with his own health problems couldn't look after her, nor could either of us kids. It was wrenching and extremely guilt-inducing. We visited her as much as possible but it was really hard for everyone, we felt so guilty for leaving her there even though we knew she needed care we couldn't provide. Hang in there. You're not a failure; you're doing the right thing even though it feels awful.

to keep both him and you safe.

Keeping him home was a risk for both of of you. I have been in your shoes. It was emotionally the most difficult and intellectually the easiest decision to make.

Honestly, you will be dealing with this for an unpredictable period of time. Your instinct is to do it yourself. It’s what we want and and what we expect of ourselves. Realistically, we need help. You recognized that and acted accordingly.

You have been a compassionate caregiver for your husband. There is no easy path. Time to have compassion for yourself.

as an aide, one of my first jobs out of college. We had one guy come in and it was heartbreaking - he could be kind one moment, and then all of a sudden he was back in WW2 and thought he was attacking the enemy (unfortunately that was the staff member he decided to ram into the door, etc.). You are doing the right thing by getting him the best possible care you can for him right now. I know he would understand. We had to put my mom in a nursing facility a few years ago because her lungs were getting very bad (advanced copd), she was falling, etc. My nieces found a facility in the country & I went to visit her - she was convinced I had bought her a zoo because there were animals there. Hang in there.

My Mom was very ill in another state. We travelled there and stayed till she was out of danger. The medical staff recommended that she go to a care facility in her state. I wanted to bring her home with me, a 1600 mile drive. The nurse advising me asked, "Can you give her the care she needs? For instance, do you know how to administer an IV?"

It was down to earth, understandable and the right question to make me understand the situation. After nearly a month of mystery, my Mom was diagnosed with an adrenal insufficiency and recovered. She got to come home and live with me. She was in and out of care facilities for the next several years. We finally had to admit her for good to a memory care facility. By that time the guilt, the hurt and sorrow were eased because she and I knew what was coming and how to face it. Easy? No. The best step for her quality of life? Yes.

Let's be honest here.

1. If he lives with you, he could end up in jail or you could end up injured or dead.
I have seen both scenarios.

2. You also can not provide the intensive care he needs right now.
It takes highly trained people to deal with his disorder.

YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.
You are doing the right thing.

I appreciate EVERYONE on DU!

You have helped me stay sane for meany years now. I did see that my husband still has the important parts of his mind still working well. The subject of Medicare came up in discussion with some nurses, and he managed to get in several “Fuck Trump” while we were talking. Made me proud of him!

…”Fuck Trump” means as you say, the important parts of his mind are are working just fine. LOL!

Meanwhile, don’t beat yourself for not being superhuman. ‘Cause nobody is!

I know how incredibly difficult it can be, and more so if you're having to navigate it on your own. I hope you have some support to help you.

If you have access to a caregiver support group, that can offer you a lot of advice and comfort to help you deal with these difficult issues. I have benefited greatly from a couple of local organizations and groups, and I hope you can find something that suits you too. You can search for caregiver support + your location to see what's available locally.

Please try to stay strong, and be sure to care for yourself.

So, let me add another big hug to the mix.

You did the right thing. He needs care from people who are trained to handle this. He is in the right place. You did the opposite of fail.

Remember that.

Your "job" is to keep him safe. Whatever it takes, you want to keep him safe.

You are doing the right thing...it's the most difficult thing, but it's the right thing for both of you. That takes a lot of courage, Ziggysmom. And it takes a lot of love.

You have performed an act of love for your dear husband by taking care of him for years.

And you know what? You are still performing an act of love by recognizing that he is where he needs to be.

His condition has progressed to the point where neither one of you would be safe at home were he to remain there. Please know this...your "job" is not over, you are still continuing to help him...by keeping him safe.

I know how hard it is. I had the same feelings when placing my mom into a nursing home after taking care of her for years. I was a wreck. It hurts right down to your soul.

But you will feel better, I promise you.

You're a good person. And a strong person.

Thank you for sharing this difficult moment in your life.

The thing I love best about it: many hands are here to help you lift the heavy load weighing you down. At any hour of any night in any time zone. And I bet there are people here who have had to face the same stuff and had to find their way through it. Their experiences can be helpful and even healing to read.

I always find myself going back to something DUer Skittles once said: “someone’s always here.” Sometimes I’ve taken that one out for a test drive for myself. And I know how helpful it can be.

for your safety, as well as his. Getting and losing one's mental capacities are terrible things. Hang in there!

Have a safe and as happy a holiday season as you can

I'm sorry that it came to this point for you and your husband.


As you're aware, there isn't any reasoning at all from a person with dementia so try to remember this when he calls and tells you that he's scared, lonely and won't eat.


Please don't beat yourself up for providing professional help for your husband. You took care of him for as long as you possibly could.


Could you inquire about a support group at this particular memory care facility? You can't be the only person that's going through this, there has to be other people that going through similar situations. It might help you to talk about with other people that know what you're going through.


Here's a Happy Holiday season to you and yours. I hope things get better for you.

when I have to do something similar for my Mom. Her memory is really going, and she has other health issues, but they are not acute and she might very well do alright in a memory-care facility. I had forgotten that that was even an option, so thanks for the reminder.

Unless you first help yourself.

MIL in a facility in the "a" wing. Took our dog/dogs. Get to know staff members. Visit when appropriate. Seeing other patients made me cognizant of the struggles they are going through. Gives insight into the entire scheme of things. Pieces of memory functions may be gone but others function as always. As with anything, knowledge is important and much of that comes from experience. You can do it. I really wish you the best as do others. Kindness matters. It can be your catalyst.

Many have already shared things that I would have suggested. There's more comfort as time passes. Transitions can be long and convoluted. Stay strong. Stay encouraged. We love you. ❤️

It’s a horrible, hard job you’ve been doing. You have been suffering, too. Finding a safe place is the best outcome. There’s a reason many memory care places ask family to stay away for the first week: it’s hard for the one who stays to settle in. Once familiarity is achieved, it becomes home for many. Hang on. You are doing the right thing.

When people delay keeping everyone safe, often time the authorities step
in an make decisions you will not like.

So it is also better to be proactive and not let it get to that point.

You are showing courage and wisdom to stay ahead of the curve before
some thing happens which you would not like.

I hate to be blunt about it, but I have seen bad endings to the story
you are describing.

I would rather have blunt dialogue on the good end of this story rather than the bad.

She has seen what can happen from the prospective of a mental health professional. I have seen it from the legal prospective.

You made the right decision.

like I have.

And once the law and social services get involved then the family may have limited
options, bad options, or none at all.

Yes exactly, the OP did the best possible thing she could do.
She made the best, safest decision for everyone concerned.
And none of it was court ordered, etc.

journey down another tough row! Think of the love and care and quality of life you gave your dear husband for so many years!! How brave and courageous you are to do the right and best thing now for both of you. A care worker once told me while visiting anyone in memory care to say hello by announcing yourself in a way that says hello by explaining who you are. Gentle hugs and love to you dear heart. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Just remember you are no longer talking to your husband/friend/love but the disease.
It is tough. Take care of yourself.

We have good, close friends. She is trying so hard and of course he only gets worse.

This day is coming and we dread it like she does, but oh so heartbreaking.

Please be good to yourself. you know when you know. many hugs and love to you Ziggysmom..

Many have been through this, and it is always hard to do and easy to question our decisions. I had to put my husband in hospice for similar circumstances. That night I wondered if I had done the right thing. He died the next morning which told me I had done everything I could. He weighed three times as much as me and I could not physically do more. Do not feel guilty, he is getting the care he needs. You need to take care of yourself so you are able to do the best for him when you are together. My thoughts and wishes for peace to you both.

It will take time. He will be safer there. I keep remembering how cops treat people when they get this way. I only hope that if I ever get this way someone has the strength to do this for me. Just keep telling yourself that he will be safer there there.

Being a caregive means crushing responsibility and exhausting physical requirements. That is why care facilities have a charge nurse, nursing assistants, housekeepers, and cooking staff working shifts of 8 hours a day. A home caregiver trying to fill all these roles round-the-clock often has no time or energy to also be a family member, to provide personal support for your loved one. Once my dad enteredca care home, my mom visited him every day but Mondays, her bridge day. On dad's good days, she played tapes of Andy Griffin singing hymns, she read him Louis L'Amour westerns, she shared family news, and she pushed his wheel chair around the garden. When he was home, of course, she had no energy for these things. And, when he was home, she lived in fear due to his violent outbursts from the dementia, something that would have horrified him if he had been in his right mind. Take care of yourself. You are doing right by your husband.

He needs more care than you can give him. Please don't be hard on yourself. You did, and continue to do, the best you can.

You are not a failure! You are a loving, caring person who did all you could for your husband and you did it out of love.

I hope it gets easier for both of you over time. As has been said, DU is always here, 24/7/365. Lean on us as much as you want for as long as you want. We'll be your support group!

Just going through the same thing with my sister and it’s tough. With her tho, her husband had some mental issues of his own and ended up in a home. At the moment, sis is with him as her caretakers have gone h9me for the holidays. My BIL is an ass and had the opportunity and financial means to have them both in a fancier place but nooooooo it wasn’t his idea.

For both of you. I’m sorry it’s so hard.

Hugs hugs

I know it's hard. Beating up on oneself is natural--you failed to be SUPERWOMAN! My Mom tried, and eventually had to go the road you are now on. My Dad, who oftentimes seemed unable to ambulate, could (in the blink of an eye) disappear from the rural property Mom and Dad shared with me. Once, when an hours-long search, with neighbors and authorities called in for help, found him climbing the fence bordering the nearby interstate, the decision was made. Had Dad actually hitched a ride from a thoughtful driver, we might never have seen him again. He no longer new his address, his phone number, or any other contact information. And he didn't carry identification with him!

I'm now the age Dad was when we placed him in a care facility. That's a frightening thought, isn't it? But even though we all think we'll somehow KNOW when it's our time, as mind and body slowly fail, it's only others who can understand that we no longer have that ability to KNOW. My advice: (1) Don't beat up on yourself; (2) Do what you can, when you can for and with him; and (3) Treasure your memories.

Please understand that he will respond better to health care professionals. What if he refuses to take his medications—you can’t force him. How are you going to bathe him—it takes two, sometimes three care takers to get a patient out of bed and into their wheelchair and then wheel them into the shower. You are doing what is in his best interests. You really have no alternative.
It is horrible to see a loved one decline—be kind to yourself.

I was in the same position taking care of my mom with dementia. Thank goodness I had an understanding wife and we both tried our best for years. But there comes a time when you just want to back to being the son.

To help with the transition, I found my mom always asking the same questions which led to her getting upset and wanting to go back home. And I always had to explain everything from 2017 forward. How she no longer worked, couldn't take care of the house and had to sell, she moved down south with us and we had a good run for many years. So I got the idea from First 50 Dates and created a memory board. Provided pictures that lined up with each milestone Year and gave a quick summary for each.

Now when I call or visit, she no longer asks me those questions and has settled in. Not perfect, but much better.

Now he will have trained caregivers available at all times. This is an opportunity for you to rest and recharge your batteries, so when you do go visit him you will be able to have quality time together instead of the constant list of tasks and worries you must have always had in your thoughts.

Of course there will always be some tasks and worries, but now you can take the time to breathe and look after youself, too.

But it seems like the best for you both. I can only imagine how difficult this was, especially at this time of year.

... healthcare professionals.

Hugs to you.

See if the facility will give him Melatonin after dinner. That can really help with SunDowning and if lucky slow that decline. Please don't second guess this decision, he and you are both safer this way. And if and when he settles in it will be more comfortable for him w that staff able to get rest and use team work. Just get into the routine of regular visits. So sorry this is hitting you in the holiday season.

I used to do companion care for Seniors (generally aged 70's thru 90's).
When one of my clients was moved into a facility, on the first night, having failed to convince his relatives, this gentleman called me at 2 AM to "Get me OUT of Here !".

Regarding the phone calls, if they become a problem it is pretty standard to take away the loved ones cell phone.
Also, with memory care/dementia, in many cases they eventually lose the ability to use a cell phone.

No matter what decisions you make along this path, things will happen that no one anticipated. This is especially true of health /medical decisions. Sometimes, ALL of the options have substantial risk of downsides, as does "do nothing", and "leave it to the specialists".

You are doing the best that you can. Be kind to yourself.

He is where he needs to be. Don’t second guess that part. I’m so sorry about the phone calls. I thought the facility would have a transition period. I hope he will settle in soon and possibly connect with the people there. My sister was in memory care for five years. It was only two miles from me so I could drop in often. I saw a lot about life there. The staff will work to help him get comfortable. You might let them know about the calls. He may be joining in and doing OK but he may tell you another story. I hope he settles in soon. Be easy with yourself. You deserve a rest and time to regroup. Take care of yourself, rest and eat well, wash your hands often and mask if necessary. Your immune system will get a work out. Love and hugs to you. You did amazing work. 💗🙏🏼💐

because of his Dementia mom put him in a home for her own safety. She had cared for him for around
5 years just like you did. He's better off where hes at, they'll know how to get him to eat, and ignore any
guilt trips he might try to throw your way. Say hello to Ziggy for me.

For everyone’s safety, this is the right thing.

I’d bet there is some local help for caregivers to talk and share, get advice.
I know it can’t fix anything, but you need support now

Hugs right back to you

You did much more than most people caring for your father, please know that was an act of love and kindness. Thank you for caring for you dad that long but you must now take care of yourself.

Then they had to hire someone to stay with her all day. One aunt stayed with her at night, and then my mother and her other sisters traded off watching my grandmother on the weekends. That didn't last very long. My grandmother became increasingly confused and was angry and violent. Within a year she was in a nursing home full time. The fact that you've done this for 5 years while trying to work--that had to be so hard. Your husband is where he needs to be, Ziggysmom. You're not abandoning him, you are making sure he is cared for and safe. One thing that helped my grandmother was our version of a memory book. My mother and her sisters gave her copies of pictures of family members and family milestones, all labeled. My grandmother loved looking through the pictures and talking about the past. Even when she didn't recognize us anymore she remembered who the individuals in the pictures were. She just lost the ability to connect the pictures and us. I'm so sorry you and your husband have to go through this, Ziggysmom. The one thing that comforted all of us was that even when she didn't know us anymore we still got to tell her how much we loved her. The staff at the nursing home was so loving to my grandmother. Several of them came to her funeral. My grandmother passed long before memory units were established, but the dedication of the staff really helped us to cope, (late 1980s). I will be thinking of you and your husband and I'm sending you both hugs.

If you can spend time with him every day, even if it's less than an hour, he'll gradually feel safe and get used to the place. He knows you're coming to see him, and you can tell him that when he calls.

If that's not possible and if he's too far away for you to go often, try to spend time on the phone with him and call him frequently. Maybe make a video of you talking directly to him and the nurses can play it for him. Give him photos of the two of you doing things together so he has many mementos. He needs to feel like you haven't abandoned him.

As he meets others in the residence he won't feel so lonely and scared. You can help him get through the first scary days and weeks. After that it won't be so bad. Good luck dear. You've got this.

You can ask that the phone be taken away - staff can make up the excuse that the battery or screen was broken and needed to be fixed. "You'll get it back in a couple of days."

Days later, if needed, "It got lost in the mail. I put a tracer on it and it should be found in a day or so."

If he "drifts" into a memory that is based on something that is no longer valid, go with his memory and not the reality.

My mom: "When is Mae ( her sister) coming to see me?" Mae had died 10 years earlier.

Me: "she's working late and hopes to get here tomorrow afternoon."


The facility or your library may have books to help. That is where I got information to help me with my mother.

There is a 50% possibility that he may become accustomed to the routine of the place and this will take stress from you. I hope this happens.

Now you can sleep in peace and let others handle the episodes he has that would be difficult if not dangerous for one person.

Breathe.

And reengage with your friends and other interests.

Take heart, he will soon adapt.

Otherwise, It could be that you would never be at the other end of any telephone call he makes.

Everyone’s trip is unique. You’ve done the best you can and that is all you can do. Professionals will be the best, even though it’s very hard and feels wrong. Going through similar. You won’t be able to help if you don’t take care of yourself. Make sure you make time for that. Not sure that’s much help but it’s important. Bless you and him, I don’t wish this on anyone. Keep positive and know he’s safe and so are you.

The first few days were rough and he became violent. He may have been violent with her, she would not say. He settled down but deteriorated. It was incredibly hard. I hope you can feel that he would not want you to be suffering because of his illness and that is what is best for you. Five years of handling this yourself must have taken a toll on you mentally and physically. As a retired RN, you have put him where he is safe and cared for and that is a loving decision. You must be exhausted.

little I can add. You absolutely did the right thing for you and your husband. Take time to care for yourself so you’re rested to see him when you visit. Lots of hugs back to you. Happy holidays to you, also.

while going thru close to the same thing. I just haven't arrived at the active track you took yet. I may write out in my own journal what's happening here; I don't want to take away from anything you're experiencing. But it's certainly coincidental that I read your article just 2 days after "celebrating" our Winter Solstice gathering here. I slipped out the front door with a couple of good friends of ours whom we've known for 30+ years, to talk about just what you said here. The decision is agonizing... not only because you're caring the best you can for hubs, but also because you know that entire decision making mode could be stripped away from you if you're not doing the right things at the right time. It's scary as hell... and you have all my empathy and hopes for best outcomes. Wish I could give you a hug right now. No matter what, I know it still feels like an empty, alone space you have to inhabit.

My friend just went through this too. Violence and delusion. He's settled in now, getting the right meds, and is functioning better. Give it time and be good to yourself.

Hopefully good visits with him as he adjusts.
Maybe the place has a ?social worker who can also talk to you and your adjustment.

And anther suggested reach out to your friends. I'll add any understanding family.

Enjoy your Holidays, as you can.
{hug}

When my wife’s mother was showing dementia she and her siblings were trying to deal with it. My wife went to an Alzheimer’s support group and was told about “The 36 Hour Day”. One of the things the book mentioned was family cannot bring their loved on back to reality. It is not your fault.

I wish for peace for you.

I have nothing to add to all the great advice others have given, and I agree wholeheartedly with those who said you did the right thing. There are just some things in life that we have to do that are very hard, and this is one of those. Take care of you, as I suspect you are probably not doing so with all that's going on. Be kind to yourself. We're all here for you.

I wish I could write something that would ease your pain. I, too, have had to make difficult decisions regarding a loved one's care. You're pretty much "damned if you do, damned if you don't". You'll always tend to second guess yourself, but don't let it take you off the rails.
You are doing the best you can do, and NO ONE, not even you, should question this. Yesterday, or tomorrow, you might have made different decisions, but the gist is that you have done what you have to do. You're a brave soul, caring for the one you love.

Caregiving is THE hardest job in the world, no contest, and I'm sure you did your very best at it. But there comes a time when you realize you just can't do it anymore, especially in cases of dementia. The guilt is agony, but normal. You have to continue to remind yourself of your human needs and limitations. The guilt may decrease eventually, but the only way to make that possible is to meet it consistently with rational thought. You cannot do everything. You are a human. You have limits and if you don't honor them, you may well leave your husband with no one to care for him. I've seen so many caregivers go through what you're going through--it's hardest at the beginning. It will most likely get better, but be nice to yourself and take care of yourself so that you can be there for your husband. He will get better at adapting to his new space. I know you probably already know, but making sure he has plenty of familiar items in his space will help to soothe him. Bring him good things to eat and soft clothes and blankets for comfort. It takes time, but he will begin to relax and accept his new space when it becomes familiar enough. Take care of yourself and try to get some rest. I know you need it.

give him time to adapt, he will be fine

and be very good to yourself, you deserve it

I'm sorry that it has been so hard, and guilt can be devastating. It sounds like to me that you waited until it was way past time for this. The guilt you feel is no doubt in direct relation to the amount of care that is in your heart. You are hurting because of that caring, that compassion, and that love.

I don't pretend to have any savvy words of wisdom. All I can say is that I hope you will take a little time to be especially good to yourself. Indulge in something that gives you some peace and don't be afraid to do something that gives you a little pleasure. You deserve it. You may not know that, but the rest of us here reading this post, know it for certain.

A big hug right back at you! May the next 24 hours be a little bit easier.

when you are not there.

Arrange for friends to visit him.

You did the right thing. Neither of you would be safe with him at home.

After he's been there a while and gets used to things, you might see if outings are allowed. We used to take my dad to get ice cream down the street. If you fear he'd be combative, hire a caretaker to come along.

If that's not possible, do everything you can to make the space welcoming for him. Dementia patients often respond well to music. Find music that was popular when he was in high school and leave him a CD player with his favorite music.

Put photos up of family members, places he's been, etc. Make a scrapbook for nurses/caregivers with information about him, his life, his family, occupation, likes and dislikes.

I know how hard this is. We went through it with Mom in the midst of COVID (she fell and could no longer walk, and I live upstairs so we had no choice). At least now you can visit your husband as often as you wish. Bring him whatever might make him happy --big print books if he's lucid enough to enjoy them, magazines with lots of pictures.

It takes about 2 weeks usually for the anger/confusion/distress of being in a care facility to diminish, so be patient.

Be kind to yourself and do things you couldn't when caring for him--have lunch with a friend, go to a movie or shopping. Reach out to others you know who may be alone over the holidays.

Take care,

You've done everything you could, for longer than you should have, I bet.

I don't know anything about how to help him make the adjustment, except maybe bring as much familiar stuff as the facility will allow.

If you are alone at home, please consider finding a group that can help you with your grief and pain and getting re-integrated socially without guilt.

Hugs.

Dear Ziggysmom,

I won't sugarcoat anything, yours is a dismal situation as old as time. I'm so sorry and there isn't much I can say that will make it much better, but this move allows you to do something you have not been able to do for a while. Focus on just loving him. Sneak in his favorite foods. If you are gutsy, smuggle the dog in under your coat (if you have one).

You may have noticed that our roles change as we go through stages in life. You just wrapped up your phase of caregiver and now begin the new phase. Just be the light in his day. That's it. Forget everything else. They mourn a passed time and are not where you should spend your energy now.

I know you are exhausted. Simply, physically and emotionally drained. You must get some rest. When you are at home you are now taking care of yourself with the same quality of care you gave your husband. That means: sleep. Eat. Sleep some more.

I don't know what your days are like. If you are driving or physically close to your husband--perhaps consider a late sleep, then go visit for the morning, back home for a Meal and a nap. Then an afternoon visit until the time to leave feels right. You do not have to be there all day every day.

If you are there all day. (I understand) how hard it is to read or care about something on the tv. Might I suggest a mindless iPad game where you are just matching colors or candies or blocks-mindless but addictive games--they will help the clock hands move a little bit faster.

My heart is with you friend. You have done the right thing even if it does not feel like it. Promise me you will nap and recharge your batteries. My best.

good sense to know when it was time to turn to the professionals. You did the right thing.

Yes, you have.

I currently am in an independent/assisted living facility. It's both interesting and weird. At 77 I'm relatively young, and since I have zero mobility issues, I'm somewhat in a minority here. My only son lives some 2,000 miles away, and I would not expect him to take care of me as I age.

I have long been frustrated by people who refuse to recognize or understand that aging has consequences, that at some point we are no longer 25 years old and need to make changes. Which is why I'm in my current living place. I moved here a year ago, and it was very much the right thing to do. I had a heart attack not long after I moved here. The EMTs know their way around, and are very good and efficient. This place also provides rides to grocery stores, doctor visits, and lunch outings. Not to mention having friends here who can look in on my cats if needed.

So don't beat yourself up. This is all part of the journey of life.