DU is always awake regardless of the hour and ready to know we care about you!

I could talk to my spouse about it, but to what end? It would destroy her too. She's the only one who cares enough, but I have to keep her strong, because she's suffering with her own angst too. I have to walk a tight rope and keep her healthy.

And besides her, no one else that knows me personally cares enough about me to pull me through.

The people that I think are close to me are not close enough to do what I would certainly do for them when shit goes sideways.

you my friend.

I believe you want to talk about whatever it is. You're among friends here. Maybe some will judge you, maybe some won't. I've been through more ups and downs that I can count or even remember. Are you in need of advice or just acceptance and understanding? If you want to take a chance and PM me, please do. I'm a 76 year old retired grandma.i I was a military wife and then a working single mom for decades. A good listener.

I would only be able to speak to this about someone who knows my history.

And people who know my history do not want to hear it.

Thank you though.

It's so bad that I stare at my posts and think "What the hell are you doing"?

I probably haven't been exactly in your shoes but There's times when I would NEVER tell all about me.

If you have ever felt this way before, then you know that you won't feel like this forever. These are hard times and you have friends here. 💙🎈🪷

I posted something the other day about a woman I knew. A neighbor. It was cathartic. I thought it was the most honest thought I've ever put into words.

And it made me realize some things about myself. It made me reflect.

And that reflection brought a few truths home to me.

About people in general.

And those truths hit me like a ton of bricks. In a good way mostly, but in a dark way as well.

I spill my guts here on DU, because I try to motivate people with good thoughts.

But I don't know if I have that in me anymore. And that is scaring me.

I feel like everything I post is a disguise for what I really want to say.

I'm disillusioned, and it's causing me to have an existential crisis at an old age.

thoughts that I was not as good a friend to them as they were to me and that scares the heck out of me.

I remember your post - the little neighbor lady. I still think that was a lovely friendship.

Your posts have lifted me up during some very, very dark times. You have a good soul, a good spirit. Don't let anyone or anything rob you of your light.

Years ago, when my dad died, I took some bereavement time to deal with what I was feeling. One afternoon, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. I knew then that my colleagues had me in their thoughts and prayers. It was a turning point in my grief. I'll never forget it.

I wish the same for you, dear friend. You may feel alone, but trust me, you aren't alone. Your DU family is here for you. You are in our thoughts and we are sending love, caring, and healing vibes your way. Trust me. You've got this.

I'll tell you something that's morbidly funny in a way...

My dad died when I was 11. i did what I had to do as a kid to get through it.

You know when it really knocked me on my ass?

I was working a suit and tie job in my 30's. My wife had just miscarried. It was a boy. And I was at my desk thinking about how we had lost a son. And I started thinking about my dad. THAT'S when it finally hit me.

I started to crash out at work, had to leave before I got too bad, and ended up on a therapist's couch.

Life is messed up that way.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I am.

For a moment. Then another moment. Hold on.
We care about you.
Sending a quiet hug.

I also have a hard time accepting help from others - it’s so much easier to provide that to others.

We’re here for you, and with you, whenever the time is right. Please take care of yourself - even if you’re doing it in the shadows so others won’t see - we’ll be ready whenever you are.

There is a national hotline for suicide and crises at 988. I am concerned about your not feeling comfortable with talking to anyone, and the person there is trained to listen in a helpful way.

Some days are too much.

I'll just put this here.

We're here if you need to chat.

DU is like Motel 6, someone always has the light on.

he pulled out his astronomy books. He loved astronomy, space, NASA, etc.
https://www.nasa.gov/images/

He said "when you look at those pictures, they put your problems in perspective - they seem smaller .."

Nice thing about forums is you can chat anonymously. No baggage. That too might help provide a different perspective.

All the best.

When the portal to hell opens, I just hope that with time you can close it and walk away.

Than any of us. Take care of yourself; everyone is dealing with something. Be well, my friend.

This is your trip. It's unlikely any of us can fix what you've feeling. But we can stand behind you, and hear you when you finally feel you can voice what is in your head. Most often when we are feeling alone, our problems seem much more vast than they might actually be. Sometimes when we share, we see another aspect that helps to bring things into focus and reduce the scale and scope. And it's possible that, when you're able to share with kind people, another shoulder or two under the load, it may become easier to bear.
I've been married for forty-five years to a woman I strive to deserve. I've always considered myself to be one who sees a problem and instinctively sets about for the solution ( I WAS a handy-man). I became aware that she didn't need me to be the man-on-it, and my attempts at solutions ignored her genius for taking care of herself. But the point I really missed was that what she really wanted was for me to listen, and making her feel heard was all she really needed (and, punching her Supervisor WASN'T).
I'm hoping this will pass before you have to endure much more pain, and Peace returns to a very deserving person.
For what it's worth, I'm a lurker, and we don't travel the same lane, but that distance might be helpful. I would be an Ear, if not a shoulder, if you needed.
Use me if you think it would help. Otherwise, I'll be here rooting for you.

a savior who would pull them through, hell or high water. I was nothing but dependable."

^ It takes incredible strength to be that person, Lucky. Not everyone has it in them. Firefighters who pull people out of burning buildings. War heroes who save their platoon-mates amid a hail of gunfire. Therapists who talk desperate individuals down from the ledge.

These aren't the sort of characters you come across everyday. You have exceptional fortitude, by the sounds of it. There are others like you, but apparently not there in your life right now. Don't give up, regardless.

If it's any consolation, some of us will remain here for you as long as it takes.

Be well.