Jacob Rees-Mogg has a new radio show on LBC, and will be discussing with his audience the important issues of the day.

The deputy Demon headmaster has had occasional presenting slots on the radio call-in station for angry and bewildered telephone users, and has now been given his own show for some bloody reason.

“Hello peasants,” greeted the haunted Victorian trouser press.

“I must say this is all jolly exciting. My own slot on the wireless. None of this Spotify nonsense.

Well, let’s start as we mean to go on, and get down to the issues that truly affect us all…I want to know which race of young boy you think is best suited to shimmy up the chimney and give it a damn good seeing to.

“I know we all have our fondness for a cockney but, let’s be honest, most of them are busy breaking into Transit vans these days, so I doubt we can use them anymore!

“What say you? Would the luck of the Irish best suit your flue? How about a plucky Indian? An athletic young Polack? Or would you risk it all on a Welshman?

“You can telephone me right now to let me know your thoughts. Dial 512 and state your business!”