Chris Grayling is the latest minister to come clean about dirty deeds. He admits to attempting to snort coke, but couldn’t do it because of the high carbon dioxide content.

“I usually just drink it,” confessed Grayling. “But then Govey let on that he likes snorting it, so I thought I would give it a go!” But that didn’t work out too well either. “I sat there with my drink, snorting,” said Grayling. “But making myself laugh down my nose did nothing for me. I must say though, I did produce some impressive bogies!”

Eventually someone explained to him that snorting coke meant breathing it in through a rolled up banknote.
“Well, I thought, my plastic drinking straw is much the same thing,” Grayling continued. “So I did it! Then sneezed everywhere, because the bubbles got up my nose. I told Govey, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.”

But Gove isn’t the only government minister with a drug habit. “Rory Stewart likes a bit of opium,” reveals Grayling. “No wonder he always smells so nice. He picked up the habit from Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Jacob admits to occasionally sampling laudanum with Samuel Taylor Coleridge.”