The same way Barack Obama's rise to the presidency as a Kenyan Manchurian candidate was predestined at birth and orchestrated by a clandestine group of evil global community organizers, American Pharoah was born and bred to be the first Triple Crown winner since 1978 at precisely this time in history. Why? To trick people into thinking about how cool the Triple Crown is and hey, why not give the president a chance to win his own Triple Crown ...!? We are now galloping on that slippery slope.

Conventional conspiracy thinking says Obama's secret plan involves Jade Helm 15, the Pentagon special forces "training exercise" in Texas and 9 other states. The scheme is to declare martial law, take away our guns and put white people in prison camps. With all the good Americans like Chuck Norris, Ted Nugent and Cliven Bundy behind bars while Mexicans and Muslims run free, Obama will remain in office as dictator.

Sounds totally believable, but Obama's not going to need martial law and the military to stay in office beyond 2016. Nope. It's going to be way easier.

America is already excited about horse racing's new Triple Crown winner. All Obama has to do now is convince voters the Presidential Triple Crown is a good idea and it's time to trash the 2-term limit for president. How is he gonna do that? The old-fashioned way: Mind control. The Kenyan Pharaoh is going to access our thoughts, folks. And there's only one thing we can do to foil that plot.

Y'all wanna buy some tin foil hats?