1. “Thank you for your kind words, President Bloomberg ... Here I am — President John Kerry! I knew this day would come. "
2. “President Trump calls himself a stable genius! So right there, Robert Mueller’s already got him on two counts of perjury. "
3."Despite the pressure he’s under, the White House physician says President Trump is in great shape -- a trim 239 pounds. Personally, I just won’t believe him until he produces his long-form girth certificate. ..."

“There’s a fellow Alfalfan, who couldn’t be with us tonight, who I met 32 years ago this month. We both loved the Navy. But we had opposite views about a war in which we’d both served. When we first came to the Senate, we didn’t trust each other. We didn’t really know each other. But after a long conversation on a long flight, we decided to work hand in hand to actually make peace with Vietnam and with ourselves here in America. We investigated the fate of Americans still missing from the war. We traveled together to Vietnam and together, we found common ground in the most improbable place.

“I will never forget standing with John McCain, the two of us alone, in the very cell in the Hanoi Hilton where years of his life were lived out in pain but always in honor. Our differences were transformed into years of common effort to finally end a war that divided too many people for too long. John always says ‘a fight not joined is a fight not enjoyed.’ He loves to debate, he loves to battle. But one thing the service and the Senate taught John and me -- at some point, America’s got to come together.

“And I hope you’ll believe the two of us Alfalfans: if Washington, is a city where you can bridge the divide between a protester and a POW, finding common ground on anything else shouldn’t be so hard at all. I will always thank John McCain for sharing in the discovery of that lesson -- and tonight I ask all of you to join me in raising a glass to one of the best and bravest men I know, my friend -- our friend -- John McCain.”

President Donald Trump will not attend the annual Alfalfa Club dinner Saturday night, an exclusive black-tie dinner — and White House roast — that every president since Ronald Reagan has attended. Instead of the president himself, a squadron of senior administration officials and Trump family will attend, including Vice President Mike Pence, Ivanka Trump and her husband, White House senior adviser Jared Kushner, White House chief of staff Reince Priebus and counselor to the president Kellyanne Conway.
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Rather than hobnobbing with senior politicians, billionaire donors and media titans, Trump is expected to speak with Russian President Vladimir Putin by phone on Saturday.