Hi, guys. Thanks for your support. I think I had a breakthrough moment the other day.

Last edited Fri Oct 4, 2013, 10:12 AM - Edit history (1)

I posted about this in the Lounge, but I know many of you don't go there. I have been beating myself up for a year over the irresponsible thing I did, sitting on a dock in the pre-dawn hours with a loaded gun, intending to do myself in. It was a stupid, stupid thing to do, that could have had disastrous results under various scenarios. I was desperate, I felt like my situation was hopeless, and I panicked. I've been beating myself up about it ever since.

Well, I came to the conclusion the other day that, buried in the center of what is my lowest moment in life is ... my best moment in life, the moment when I discovered I do have courage, and strength, and that I can survive. Because at that very last moment, I chose not to do it. And that meant I had to face an uncertain future where I had no clue how it would turn out. And that was, it turns out, the far harder route of the two I had to choose from. The other would have been easy, done, finito. This one isn't done, it probably will never be done, and nothing has been easy about it. But, it is worthwhile, even at the worst moments I can find something that I have done to be proud of.

I know, a constant ongoing struggle has been my self-image, all wrapped up in the concept of masculinity, in "am I a real man?", because of the mindfuck my father laid on me. I think I just realized I need to let my self-esteem come up a few rungs on the ladder. I may be a bit more of a man than I thought I was or gave myself credit for being.

Not so weak after all.