by your story!

There are millions like me out there, of all ages. We're outraged by the "don't say gay" crowd on our parents' behalf -- but also on our own behalf. It hurts the kids of gay people, too -- whether they grew up with same-sex parents, or hiding in a closet with different-sex parents.

you and your sister both use your husbands' last name so there's little chance of anyone putting two and two together, but does the "own voice" biographical phrase conflict with it being entirely fictional?

Good luck with it btw. Getting published first time is hard to do.

So that element is something my character and I have in common. But no one who knew my father would think I'd modeled the character after him; the plot isn't anything I went through; and the story is set on the opposite coast.

The mother does remind me of our mother; but in her last decade of life she was actually encouraging me to write about our family, so I know she'd have no problem with a novel.

So sad your sister is weighed down by whatever unnecessary shame and fear she is holding to.

ashamed. Good luck and follow your own path.

And a happy relationship with all your family.

My last post for a long time on DU. I wish you the best luck on your book. I'd love to read it someday

I’ll see it.

the request of the sister.

I would not betray the request of a good family member. Loyalty comes before vanity for me. The pen name request is not a burden for me.

I can't even write a novel with a gay parent?

This isn't about vanity. I'm an introvert who would just as soon keep hiding. But the book, if it comes out, will give me a platform I can use to discuss how "don't say gay" affects real, live, non-fictional children of gay people. Children who can't speak for themselves.

There are millions of us out there, of all different ages, and I rarely hear them mentioned. "Don't say gay" in Florida doesn't just impact teachers and gay students. It affects 7 year old children of gay people who are in real classrooms, whose teachers might get in trouble if there's a discussion of their two moms or two dads.

if your sister changes her mind, that’s the next road.

I myself keep the secrets of my friends and family if they are good people. And some of the bad ones too. I didn’t out a relative in public even they were a jerk. And the rest of my family didn’t out the relative either.

Another distant relative asked me to not out them no matter what.

a deal breaker. You can't help market a book anonymously.

My parents would have liked the book, and would have had no problem with my publishing under my real name. In fact, my mother told me often that I should write a memoir about our family.

And my other siblings are supportive. Why should one sister get veto power over the book being published?

Would you not publish at all if a publisher was only interested in someone who was willing to be "out" -- and you had a family member in another state, with another last name, who didn't want you to be?

Perhaps after all these years, she needs to deal with her own insecurities rather than imposing limits on loved ones.

get that? That "good family member" is living a life of lies and fear, and wants everyone else to do the same. BS.

I support my family to live their lives in private.

Tell me again that this is BS.

I only saw your OP because it was on the front page, and responded because I know you online and know you are a good and kind soul.

Follow that soul and follow the path you were meant to take. A completed book is a monumental personal accomplishment, and taking it into the world even more so. Use your own name — even if you caved in to your sister’s pressure, the sad fact is that she would always know. That burden is hers to carry, not yours.

In 2002 my dissertation was “published” as they say, but only in the world of academia. 250 pages of heart’s blood, sweat, and tears. There were several people who advised me to publish it in the real world, and my Advisor wanted to give me the name of his own agent. Given the nature of my graduate program and my topic, there was a lot of personal stuff in there.

While I was writing it, family members were so pleased, and insisted I send them copies when it was done. In my foolishness I did so. When my mother got her copy and started it, she went ballistic and stopped reading after 20 pages. Whatever it was she said to my siblings I don’t exactly know, only that I let my family crush me. To this day I cannot bring myself to reread it.

I had plenty to do in the antiwar movement from 2002 onwards, but I never contacted an agent or publisher.

Pnwmom, please do not let yourself be dissuaded. What you do matters to you, your kids, and anyone who reads your words.


PS: Please let us know when it comes out! 💕

I'll try to remember to let you know if I manage to find a home for this.

I'm so sorry about what happened to your dissertation. I hope you still have it somewhere. Have you considered letting your daughter read it?

Of course my grad school has another hardbound copy in its library. It has physical existence: once upon a time I did that.

I don’t think my daughter wants to read it, really. Her life is so complicated.

On the upside, very much the unexpected upside, my daughter started taking a program from some outfit called Landmark, and earlier this year I got a call out of the blue where she went full on into reconciliation mode. I was staggered. She had made some massive internal shift, and was owning her own part in our relationship.

My internal shifts had been more incremental over the last couple of years of solitude, but my subconscious had started floating up bits of meaningful things I already knew but had not exactly meditated deeply on. Pieces of the Serenity Prayer kept nudging me until I let go of my son, & understood that it is entirely up to him whether he wants to be in contact or not. Pieces of the Our Father kept nudging me until the two lines about forgiveness unfolded, and essentially told me, “Yes, everybody.”

So my shifts in consciousness met my daughter’s and we are now a family for the first time in many decades. It feels … miraculous. The Goddess smiled.

which is about all you can do, you've done enough. Beyond admitting that some of the novel is written from personal experience, you need to stress that it is a novel, and any resemblance to people alive or dead is pure coincidence, that you didn't write anyone into it.

Sister needs to know that, also. She might not accept it, but you will have tried.

It's a shame your mother did that kind of damage. It was so unnecessary.

Silly me, I thought gagging one's children stopped back in the 60s.

going to Catholic schools that didn't even acknowledge that there was such a thing as gay people. Just sinners.

Both my parents were completely inexperienced when they married. By the time Mom figured out about Dad, they had had several babies together -- and she didn't have a career that would give her the means to be a single mother. So they stuck together while we kids were growing up.

As far as the shame being "so unnecessary." Maybe you've forgotten what it was like during the AIDS crisis. No one knew what was causing the disease, and people with AIDs were treated like lepers. I completely understand why she couldn't let go of the secret for years after the divorce.

But she, unlike my sister, was finally able to make her peace with everything. I remember when marriage equality was being debated, and she asked me what I thought. I told her that if same sex marriage was allowed, then gay men like Dad wouldn't be marrying straight women like her anymore. That was the lightbulb moment. After that she told all her friends that she supported gay marriage -- and for that reason.

sorry that your sister is still locked in the past, in lies and fear, but that is not your problem. She has no right to ask you to live in that same narrow world.

Be true to yourself.

...only then will you be able to take the next steps.

She'll have the time of her life bragging to all her church friends what a horrible sibling she has.