...whether someone is offended by it or not.

Would you be offended if someone called you Queer? If so, don't use it.

Thanks for asking, because too many people are hesitant to ask respectful questions. You can't learn if you don't ask. Unfortunately, the answer is one of those nuanced issues of "it depends", similar to the n-word.

I, a gay woman in my 70s, use the word "queer" to describe myself, but I came out in the 70s in New York City, so I have an urban political gay perspective. The gay community in that area, as in other metro urban areas of the time, was reclaiming words like queer, faggot, and dyke. We could use those terms, and close allies might also use them, but anyone outside the community using them might not be perceived in the best light.

Meanwhile, in other gay circles outside metro areas, those words are still considered insults by many gays. Now that I live far outside a metro area, I wouldn't use them myself even among other gay people until I had a sense of whether or not they were considered acceptable by the people I'm with.

So my recommendation to anyone who is not gay themselves, or deeply immersed in a gay community and known as a staunch ally, don't use those words. Gay is fine, use that.

My late and very dear friend Marc used to describe himself as "faggot", but I don't know if he used it generally, or just among people he trusted. I cringe every time I watch Pulp Fiction and SLJ yells "You're my Negro!!!" into the phone while talking with Ving Rhames.

I believe it costs us absolutely nothing to use words that don't offend...or even have the possibility of offending, if you don't know for sure. The English language has many words.

and I remember when I was with my ex (female like me) a firend of a friend said "I didn't know you were queer!"

For some reason it felt wrong...like, I never labeled myself as such, and it was also my first same-sex relationship, so it threw me off. I wasn't offended, just felt weird.

It really is a personal thing IMO. My kid is Trans, and I dont think they ues the term to self-describe either...

Maybe it's a regional thing? IDK

To me, "queer" is non-specific and less of a label than "gay" or "lesbian." It covers that I'm married to another woman (who is bi), that I lean butch. To me it's a general way to say, I don't meet the traditional expectations for a woman in this culture.

I guess it's one of those preference things. I only see it as a slur when uttered as one...otherwise it's not a biggie.

I just worry about its historical background. I have trouble hearing it without thinking about Archie Bunker.

Not that I'm particularly entitled to an opinion, being a straight, cis, white female.

Anyway, I appreciate this discussion.

Words aren't the problem.....it's the listeners who give words the meaning....in otherwards take the word old. I'm old and I'm not mad being told I'm old, however, some people don't like being told their old and find the word offensive. I don't take offense to any words. Words are just words until someone gives them meaning.

The only thing I take offense to is lying.

High school boys called each other "faggot" all the time (I did it too) as part of messing around.
"Queer" was a serious accusation and meant a fight.

Now for some reason some of us have decided to "reclaim" it.

Well OK, but I still will not use it.

When I was young, in my area faggot was the most offensive.

Many years ago the NYT published a test & based on how you pronounced a variety of words, the test predicted where you were raised as a child. I took the test & it said I was probably raised out in Kansas somewhere. Nope. Then I remembered, when I was a kid I called soft drinks pop, but in college I switch to calling them soda cuz all my college friends called it that. Sooooo, I changed my answer in the NYT test to pop & damn! It predicted my birthplace within 50 miles.

Anyway, if you like these kind of things there's a wonderful book called "There is no Zoo in Zoology." IIRC, Harrington is the last name of the author & he recounts a slew of words that have changed over the decades, in how we pronounce them, & why saying ZOO-OLOGY will never be an accepted dictionary pronunciation.

often refer to the Queer community.

It takes the sting out of a term that was once used derogatorily, and it's a lot easier than referring to members of the LGBTQ+ community.

This is according to me, the daughter of a gay man. Unfortunately, some individuals might still be offended by the term, such as a member of the LGBTQ+ community who didn't know you well and didn't know whether you were using the term as a slur or not. So if you're not sure, it's probably better for you not to say it.