The end made my blood run cold.

usually these things can get a bit weird. i think this one was really really well done

I lurched in my chair. Really effective.

And yes, the end is chilling.

19 years later... the oh-so-important reasons to keep it hidden have faded from my memory. But I remember the shame...the feeling that I deserved it, somehow...the trying to find a reason for the black eyes, bruises on my arms so that no one would know...For a long time after his arrest (3 years in jail) and the eventual divorce - I wanted an apology from him. But he never gave me one and to this day says that he "barely slapped me maybe one time". He does not see my 3 daughters (has not seen them since 1996) - my daughters call my husband "Dad" and love him as their father. Two of them don't remember him at all.

I try to get through to women in this situation now. He won't change. He's not sorry. And it will happen again.

mostly internal. But when you are with someone who loves you more than anything (like tkmorris!), it's easy to overcome those feelings of worthlessness.

Your partner is lucky to have you.

Tears in my eyes.

I remember sitting there one night, after he had gotten out of jail and started up (stalking me) again. I had been in counseling for the whole 2.5 years that he was in jail and was much stronger. I remember thinking that I couldn't live my whole life with that kind of hatred eating me up. So, my resolution was to:

1) Find a real man who loved me and who I could love back - one who would love my daughters and show them how romantic life is "supposed to" be with their mother - not one who abuses their mother.
2) Finish school and get a job.
3) Buy a house with a white picket fence.
4) And get a dog that I could love with all my heart (long story... but he wasn't nice to dogs) and "make up" for being unable to protect the other dogs.

I didn't get a white picket fence, but I got all the rest of it (and 2 dogs, so the second one makes up for the lack of a white picket fence). And after a while, all the emotion fades as you realize that you are happy and once you start concentrating on that, the fear and rage and pain all kind of get shuffled to the back of your mind. But when you are contemplating leaving, or when you have first left an abusive partner, it's terrifying and your mind is kind of scrambled up - you don't really know what to believe anymore. I remember a lot of "if I could just keep my mouth shut..." which sounds silly now, but at the time, I really believed that there was something monstrously wrong with me.

I hope that other women read your post and gain strength, hope, and courage from it. I know they will.