I'm feeling really grateful today

I've spent a bit of time reading the Nar-anon SESH book. I began to remember what it was like 15 years ago when I was suicidal and started going to CoDA to figure out how to get that other person to come back. I stayed and worked the steps to save myself, not to get that person back. I was so scared and confused but also, I had never learned the behaviors of self care or even self awareness back then. I had to learn from the ground up. It was really, really hard and there's nothing wrong with hard.

That said, this time around, it feels like remembering, instead of learning for the first time. I don't know if my recovery will go more quickly or not, nor is that the point nor my interest. I'm back to working the steps and when I see all these other folks hitting the same speed bumps I did before and I did in the last three months, I have a feeling that is akin to rue but also recognition. I find myself saying "Oh, yeah!" a lot today.

I'm grateful that I ended up back in the program. I feel more hopeful than I could have imagined even one month ago. Now, I get to re-implement these great behaviors and yeah, I probably will get to fall and skin my knees a bit, but I'm still really, really lucky and grateful.