Went through similar crud when younger, although probably not quite as intense.

Not sure what to tell your therapist, but I think at a minimum you should print your post here and show it to him. You seem like a very decent person, not far from a break through. Good luck.

I've thought of printing out posts before but thought it was silly. Thanks. I communicate in writing much more readily than in speech so perhaps that is a good way to go.

The truth and all of it, each and every bit you have told here, go to AA talk to them, if you are not a member become one...And do it today...then follow the guidelines and talk to people that care about you which you will find at an AA meeting for sure..

I find it difficult to come clean 100% in therapy cause I feel I'm being judged all the time. But I guess I really should for my own good. Thanks.

Will never be judgmental in any way...If he/she is actually judgmental you need a new one...

I meant what I said about AA they can be a tremendous help, they have been there,done that and will talk to you, not judge you and give you all the support you will allow.

How you doing? Still hanging in?

In terms of the alcohol yeah I've stopped self medicating. Still drank at Christmas parties but I'm not buying it myself to get wasted off of. Emotionally I'm not much better. I went off the meds I was on which never helped me much and it seems may have been worsening the alcohol cravings. Since I've been off them I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I go from despair to optimism many times a day, it's exhausting. I still don't have a job or go to school since the breakdown I had, I've had 5 or more of these breakdowns in my life now. Living off my parents still, but I've been doing this most of my life now at 31. I'm struggling with why life is worth living, not really actively suicidal. I am also struggling with trying to motivate myself to look for a job. Once I have one, ANY job, I'll look at moving out of the house into my own place. It's difficult to focus on any of this though. I sleep like 12, 15 hours a day due to depression and hyposomnia. I'm seeing a therapist who does talk therapy and there have been some improvements / progress there. Time will tell I guess.

and feel free to PM me if you ever want.

Take care,

- Tab