I'm hoping this forum will help...because I could really use some.
OK as someone who isn't religious, the whole AA thing and its heavy insistence on accepting God was/is a huge turn off. I've been to a few meetings before and the whole religious aspect just didn't work for me. I've had my issues with booze for a while now (several years). I can at times drink lightly and even moderately... and I can go weeks at a time without any booze. But then sometimes I'll be hanging out with friends (at a party or a bar), and two or three drinks turns into some un-Godly amount, I won't remember, because I'll end up blacking out. This of course leads to saying and doing incredibly stupid and awful things which I will have absolutely no recollection of the next afternoon when I somehow end up waking up. The rest of the day is of course gone because I will be hurting so much.
I'm well aware I'm destroying myself.
I have other physical and anxiety issues which are in large part the cause of my drinking. Some of these problems simply cannot simply fix in any way. And what I feel is this cycle of depression and excess consumption. Depression leads to drinking too much, leading to doing bad things, leading in turn to depression. It's perpetual. I admit I may really just need to get some professional help...something I've been avoiding for a while now.
I suppose I can also try finding friends that don't binge drink. That would probably be good, but in all honesty, I like my friends and I think they'd support me if I made an effort to stop. But as many of us know, it's tough hanging out in a crowd where everyone is enjoying a drink and well...you're not.
I've been looking to address the problem for a while now, but I haven't felt this strongly about quitting before...I realize if I keep going the way I do, I'll end up dead or in jail.
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I hear you on the AA/higher power/religion thing, though. It's not for everyone. The 'higher power' is up to you to define, though. For some, just thinking Good Orderly Direction when reading or saying God works. For others, that still feels wrong.
Perhaps S.O.S. would be a better fit for you? You can find out about them here http://www.cfiwest.org/sos/intro.htm although there may not be a group near you.
I'm not sure what else to add at this point, other than to wish you luck on your recovery. I'm still working on it, too.
edit to add: You can say it with me if you like, or don't. Up to you.
[font size=+1]God* grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference[/font]
I'm not religious, either, don't really get the whole "Higher Power" aspect, but AA has worked for me. "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking." That's it, nothing else is expected. I originally did, as was suggested, 90 meetings in 90 days. Some felt more comfortable than others and those are the ones I've stuck with. In a few days I'll have 33 months, something I never thought I could do. But, like you, I had more than one wake-up call.
I guess what's worked for me is "the power of the rooms." There's something about a group of people, all there for the same reason, that works like nothing else does. I never know when I'll hear something that I need to hear, that applies to me and/or is helpful. And it could come from the newest person in the room.
What really worked for me was One Day at a Time. Saying that you won't ever drink again is just too damn big and intimidating to deal with. I tried that, many times, and that includes medication from my doctor to help me get through withdrawl and a stint in detox. But I always went back, sooner or later. This time, I haven't, but it took me awhile to absorb enough to "get it." I may drink tomorrow, but I know that I can make it through today. Some of us need to break it down more than that in the beginning, an hour or even a minute. I went through that, too.
Also, I remember to "take what you want and leave the rest." If someone has a Higher Power that they call God, that's fine with me. Whatever works for them works for them. I've actually found a lot of people who share my feelings about this when the topic has come up.
The group that I went to tonight doesn't even close with the Serenity Prayer. We use the Responsibility Declaration at that one.
" I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And for that: I am responsible."
You'll only know by doing what works for you, but it really does work if you make the effort, I promise. My life isn't perfect now. I still get scared, discouraged and depressed. The difference is that I know that I don't have to drink over it.
I lost my mother in September. It's been awful. It was an accident. She spent three weeks in intensive care and then she died. It's stll so hard to accept. But people from AA were there for me, to talk or to be with me when I shouldn't have been alone. But the most important difference was me. I drove over an hour, each way, every day for those three weeks, to be with her in the hospital. There's no way that I could have done that if I was still drinking. So that's one thng that AA has given me.
Let us know how you're doing. We've been there and we care...
it's all you'll need for the steps to work, the faith in the underlying connection of everything to everything is a very strong belief system
edit to add, the Creative Power will work as an HP as will the Collective Unconsciousness.
you're totally on your way and don't let some bible thumper in the rooms deter you, just smile sweetly and say "And where is that in the Big Book?" and they can't show you because Bill was VERY careful not to put it in there. you're belief system is as vital and effective as any thing and don't let anyone tell you different !
To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.
But it isn't so difficult. About half our original fellowship were of exactly that type. At first some of us tried to avoid the issue, hoping against hope we were not true alcoholics. But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life - or else. Perhaps it is going to be that way with you. But cheer up, something like half of us thought we were atheists or agnostics. Our experience shows that you need not be disconcerted.........
Yes, we of agnostic temperament have had these thoughts and experiences. Let us make haste to reassure you. We found that as soon as we were able to lay aside prejudice and express even a willingness to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we commenced to get results, even though it was impossible for any of us to fully define or comprehend that Power, which is God......
We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. "Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built........
and that's how i did it, i tested the whole "God Thing" and the results of those tests brought me to faith. I'm still not a Christian or a church person or a bible (or any other holy book) thumper, I just was willing to try it out. I was desperate enough to be willing.
I call my higher power "BOB" (Big Omnipotent Being"
or just 'HP' for short. You're welcome to borrow it/her/him until you find one of your own liking 
I have the same disease, alcholism. This sucks, and without treatment, it only gets worse. I want to help you understand.... Not everyoune who gets drunk, or blacks out some times, or does things they regret, are an alcholic, but you are. For you and me there comes a power of evil in the drink. It sucks, and believe me I know. Myself, 4 DWI's all most prison, an amazing drug court program, comunity service, many thousands of dollars in fees, inpatiant program, outpatiant program, half way house, transitional housing, outpatiant counsouling, and a year or two more of probation still. I am not able to do this all correctly still, but you know that you have this disease fujiyama. In the rooms you will find a will, strength, encouragement, that you wont find many other places. And mostly a power to fill the void of the drink. It really is what I cherish...... Good luck.... if you choose to do this you will find the answers you desire.
Nice to have a dirrect reply, I've been doing this a while now, on both sides of things... since 1983. 
"I love the bounce"
don't be surprised if if you are welcomed by people when you arrive, but nothing is expected of you.
if you live in a large metro area, there are usually plenty of 'speaker' meetings (usually week end evenings) that tend to be fairly large and no one is expected to speak except the 'speaker' of course.
as for what to expect, meetings vary wildly, in size, in topics, in demographic makeup, so don't judge AA by one meeting (or even several) since they truly vary a LOT!
i would suggest you call the local 'central office' (usually the phone number listed in the local white pages is the central office) and speak to someone there and ask for meeting suggestions for 'sitting and listening,' a local member will help steer you to somewhere you can be comfortable.
if your drinking is bothering you and starting to cause problems, a visit to a few AA meetings won't hurt you and may give you some answers.
PM me if I can help, and good luck!!
The first meeting I went to was a speaker's meeting. Three people got up in front of the room and told their stories. I didn't have to say a word and my friend went with me, not an alcoholic, but it was an open meeting, open to everyone, not just alcoholics, so she came with me for support. I did say something to one of the speakers afterwards, since the story resonated with me, and I was impressed that someone could get up there and share all that, but I didn't need to... 
The second meeting I went to was a women's meeting. That's where I was welcomed, given phone numbers and eventually found a sponsor. But you don't have to speak at any meeting. You can say that you "pass" or that you're just there to listen, if it comes to that. Everyone there was new at one point, so folks do understand. I've heard story after story from those who said it took them a long time just to find the courage to speak.
You don't need to speak until you're up to it and you don't have to drink to go. It's only an hour. You can just sit and listen for as long as you want, and people usually talk one-on-one after the meeting which is much easier than sharing in front of everyone. It's expected that new people will just want to listen at first, and you never know when you'll hear something that you identify with or that's helpful to you.
There are speaker's meetings, discussion meetings, Big Book (study) meetings, and one I've been to is a meditation meeting. I followed the suggestions I was given and did 90 meetings in 90 days and stuck with the ones that I liked the best and where I felt comfortable. If you just want to sit and listen, that's okay. That's a good first step, just showing up and giving it a try.
That's what I did and that was over three years ago. It took me awhile to "get it," find out what would work for me. I never thought I would make it through a week, but I'll have three years in a few weeks, One Day at a Time. Let us know how you are. We've been there and know how you're feeling. 
Admitting that something's wrong is a definite first step. And so many of us have tried "controlled drinking," but if you're an alcoholic, that just doesn't work. Normal people can have just one drink during the holidays, or whatever, but we alcoholics can't seem to have just one. If one is good, six is better. *sigh*
I certainly tried it. So many nights I'd be determined to stop at one or two or three, but eventually I'd give up and vow to do better tomorrow. But tomorrow never did come, since I'd tell myself the same thing then and the day after that. But once I finally absorbed "one day at a time," I finally had some hope.
Instead of putting it off until tomorrow, I finally focused on just that day. There's a liquor store that I often pass on my way home which seems to always be open. I remember the first time I thought of stopping, but just kept going, telling myself that I could always stop there tomorrow. And that's when I finally started putting some days together, telling myself that I just wouldn't drink today.
Kudos to you, since I remember thinking that I couldn't make it through more than I few days, let alone a whole week. It will be three years in April and I'm still tempted, especially when things are going badly, but I know, no matter what happens, I can make it through just today.
Any little bit helps, and you never know what you'll hear that will resonate with you. That's the reason that I continue to go to meetings, since I'm still learning and I'm still hearing things (tools) that are helpful to me. And hearing others' stories is always a reminder of what can happen and how much I don't want to go there again. I've learned enough slogans that I often think of just the right one at just the right time. LOL. "Keep It Simple." 
Sounds like you're heading down the right path, and please continue to let us know how you are. One suggestion that I've heard over and over, if you're attending an event where there's alcohol. Leave yourself an escape route, so if you feel you need to leave, you can. Either drive yourself and/or take a sober buddy who understands and will support you. Good luck and hang in there!
I tried so many times to quit on my own, but I just didn't know how. And I didn't quit drinking just because I found AA, either. It took time for me to learn how others had done it and what would work for me. There was a long time that each day was stll a struggle and, some days, it still is. That's why I still go to meetings. I have 33 months sober today, something I never thought I could aspire to...
As far as finding a meeting, I looked on the internet for any meetings near me. I chose one that I thought was close, but there is usually a phone number, so I called and asked for directions. AA folks are almost always willing to help, since that's a big part of the program. Let us know how it's going and it sounds like you've made an excellent start!
