Going to make a quick post before bed about something rather personal for me.

Tonight, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. For the first time in years, I feel like I can say I am no longer addicted to porn.

It's been a long and hard road to get here. I started when I was in middle school and first discovered the internet. At the time, it was relatively mild--simple nude (or close to) pictures looked at maybe once every few months. As I moved on to high school, I began to be more curious, and started watching videos. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here; simply put, I am glad I was raised the way I was and that I had the respect for women (and for men, for that matter) that I did. I never strayed into hardcore pornography or some of the truly vile shit that is out there; that was simply horrifying. But I could, and did watch a whole lot else. Somewhere in high school, it turned into an addiction.

This has been a part of me that I have been more ashamed of than almost anything else for. As far as my friends are concerned, I don't watch it. 99% of what is out there is degrading, dehumanizing, and is diametrically opposed to who I am and what I stand for. I did not want to even give the impression that I endorsed it, because I don't. But I watched it anyways, because I couldn't stop.

Part of what drove it was simple curiosity as I went through my teenage years; part of it is that porn is really downright sexy, when done right. Overwhelmingly, though, I watched it for reasons I don't really understand, and at this point, don't really wish to. It has been a part of me that has left me more ashamed, more helpless than anything else in my life. I smoke weed, I drink alcohol, I eat sugar and crappy food--nothing has ever come anywhere close to making me feel as powerless as porn did. I simply could not leave it behind. Sometimes I could take a break for a few weeks; sometimes a month or two. Once, I even made it 6 months without touching the stuff a couple years ago. It never stuck. I hated that I did it. I felt bad before, during, and after watching it. The constant bigotry, the creepy fetishization, the separation of little bits of humanity into more and more and more explicit categories, all designed for instant and easy consumption. I hate it. I absolutely fucking hate it.

I'm not sure exactly what's changed over the years. I think it's been a number of things. I understand myself a whole lot better. I don't feel the need to watch porn to satisfy my curiosity about sex in general, or my own sexuality. I've learned a lot about gender and sexuality, as well as a lot about humanity in general. The longer my addiction continued, the more I grew to hate it. It's only been within the last few months that I've finally found a solution. Again, I won't go into specifics, but I've found places to enjoy visual stimulation in a manner that celebrates the human condition, that celebrates sex and masturbation and sexuality and all people for who they are. It's a totally different type of porn--very few videos, but instead things like a gif of a hand tightening on someone's back, an image of lips trailing down a neck, a picture of a couple lying intertwined in a bed, all interspersed with discussions about sexuality and cancer diagnoses and daycare and life.

Tonight, I am proud to say, I had the courage to tell the first person I have ever told about my addiction. While I don't think I could have done it if I was still watching it, I was honest about it for the first time. As she said, that's a big deal. Her understanding and her support left me with tears of joy in my eyes tonight. I feel relieved. I feel elated. A part of me that I hated is finally no longer part of me.

So many addictions are things that will never leave you. I'm very careful in how I consume things (from chips to weed to avoiding studying, there is a lot to enjoy) because I know that once I start down many of those paths, there is no going back. It's all or nothing. Thankfully, I think I can say I've rid myself of this one. In the months since I first began the change, I've not felt a single urge to go back. Not once--I haven't been able to say that for a long, long time. I feel good about it, even. That's a hell of a thing.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this here. Maybe it's not the smartest thing to do--it is the internet, after all. Maybe I'm putting it out as a warning to make sure we talk to our kids about what they might find on the internet, to make sure we talk to them and help them to enjoy their sexuality in a healthy, constructive manner. Maybe I'm posting it because it might help someone else who's got the same problem. Who knows. All I know is that that I feel a hell of a lot better about something that's been weighing me down for years, and that's something to share for a bit.

x-posted from History of Feminism