Words are never enough and I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain. It is hard to grieve. Doubly harder to grieve while recovering. Center those people in your mind who are here, who do care. They need you. It may not seem like it but they do.

Sometimes I spend my nights rocking the tears out of a 14 year old boy whose father withdrew (after the death of his own father). Some days it is very hard for me (still, at 5 years since I lost him) to go about caring. It's a tough road. We can do this.

Be good to yourself and know that I care. I know I'm just here, on the internet, but I do.

Be well Tripod.

What I was hoping for while writting my post. Thank you ScreaningMeemie for your reply. I feel a little better just getting you respons. I would reply a little more if I understood your second paragraph a little better. I will get through this with the help of people like you.

Are you 12-step? If so, you gotta turn over the grief. Don't not feel it, there is no way to avoid feeling in sobriety, but work the steps and let the steps work. Are you depressed? It sounds like it. Maybe seeing a medical professional to talk over the depression and review some options would helpful? Sometimes our brains get into a negative loop and it causes chemical changes that are fixable by will power alone talking with someone who is knowledgeable about these things might help.

So sorry you are having such a hard time

i go help someone else.

i find it so easy to curl up and give into my misery, the only sure fired way i've found to get out of it is to help someone else.

i've volunteered at the food bank, i've visited the old folks in the home, i've worked with a new alcoholic

it's so easy for me to spiral into depression when i'm thinking about all the 'me me me' stuff.

my sponsor makes me list 10 things i'm grateful for (i have a job, i'm sober, i have a roof over my head etc) then tells me to get off my @ss and go to a newcomer meeting and help someone

it works every time.

hugs to you. i'm glad you reached out to us.

It helps knowing you care.

2011 was an incredibly bad year for me too. I'm back in 12 step meetings because of part of that godforsaken year.

Thank you for reaching out a little. You said you're isolating but you reached out here. Hopefully, you can reach out in the face to face world. You have every reason to feel exactly what you're feeling and it sounds like you are running out of reserves. Who wouldn't, with what you've been through?

I have no advice, just a few words on a computer to say I care and I'm sorry you are in such pain. And a wish that you can find the support you so obviously need right now.

I realized that I made being back in 12 step meetings sound like a bad thing. That's one of the best things to come out of that hellish year.

Tripod, I have no idea if you are a 12 stepper but if you are, there is a great power in the rooms.

You do understand what this is like. Today is not as hard as yesterday, thanks to your reply. I am a 12 stepper, AA. My friends and my life is there. I have with drawn some here too. God help me!

It's a hard slog up a really big hill but doing it with supportive friends makes it a touch easier, I think. Sometimes.

I don't have anything concrete to offer and any advice I give is worth what you pay for it, but I really just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

Thanks again tavalon.