I really needed this tonight.

That song has the gift of reminding us that we all have something that's going to bring us down to our knees sooner or later. And one of the worst parts of those low moments is that we lose respect for ourselves while we're in pain. We tend to offer others more support and understanding than we offer ourselves.

It is amazing to me that you are describing exactly what I am going through at the moment. And, yes, I am much better at supporting and caring for others than I am at caring for myself.

I needed to read your words, and I am grateful to you. You really have given me some hope.

or beating a dead horse.

My last job was at a company that helped people sign up for health insurance. I took a call from a woman who needed to get coverage so she could get therapy after suffering the loss of her grown daughter. She started out reasonably calm, but as the call progressed, she began to fall apart. I fully sympathized with her loss but what really broke my heart in that moment was the way she kept apologizing for crying and being emotional when she was "supposed to be strong."

I admonished her by asking her what she would do if she accidentally got a deep gash in her leg. "Would you slap at your thigh and scold it for bleeding?" Bodily wounds bleed blood and souls bleed tears. I couldn't solve her immediate problem in that moment, (other than helping her fill out an application), but I was determined to give her back the dignity that she felt she had surrendered by being "weak" before a stranger.

By my employer's metrics, I probably spent too much time on that call; but in my heart I knew that was one of the better things that I have ever done in my life. And believe me, there were calls where I was instructed to just repeat a certain phrase in order to get a distressed client off the phone.

The kicker to this story? I guarantee that the last time I fell apart in front of another person, I layered shame on top of my pain.

I break out in handcuffs. Never was a drinker and I use that line when offered a drink. They hurry away from me.
My addiction turned out to be self medicating. Once a shrink explained it to me, I was pretty much cured. No meeting or 12 steps. Didn’t have a higher power anyway. Never looked back. I did go to rehab. I was the only one there that wasn’t sent by the court and the only one still alive.
I got diagnosed with ADHD and was using the drug to get some rest. Now they have meds for it. All I needed was the reason for it.
Best of luck and hope you find peace.

If you can’t quit for a month, you’re hooked.

I have managed to go four months without chocolate. Going without sugar is harder because it's in so many things-- like bread for godsakes.

I've gone without internet for almost that long, I think. It was maddening, because my head is always filled with questions and it is so great to be able to look up weird things like what exactly is a roan horse? Surprise to me; it's not one with a red coat. A horse with a red coat and red mane and tail is a sorrel. . . And that is your useless fact for the day.

lately I feel as if I been brought down to levels of the brink of my endurance. Reaching the marker of unbearable.

Believing for you to acquire all that's good, for healing and a peace that passes understanding. 🩷

I love to study and compare.
The concept of Locus of Control is interesting. One with an outside locus of control feel that what comes at you is controlled by an outside force that you can influence. Those of us with an internal locus of control feel everything is random and all we have control over is how we handle it. Or, how we play the hand we are dealt.
I feel like the luckiest person in the wold, half of it is good luck and the other is bad luck.
I do think The Sermon On The Mountian is beautiful. I do think the world would be better off with more love and forgiveness.
Peace.