I'm not doing very well

I've been avoiding joining this group but I have no other recourse.

I'm diagnosed bi-polar, rapid cycling with some obsessive-compulsive stuff as well. I'm on Divalproex, which I've been assured by bystanders is working. I've been grumbling about going off it because of the side effects, primarily diarrhea, but been threatened with mayhem if I do. Some of my doctors are dubious.

I don't have a full-time psychologist. The mental health system up here sucks so all the good doctors get qualified then run South to you guys. I get therapy through a clinic at the University, but every time I go back there's a different doctor so I have to start from scratch.

I'm some-wheres on the autistic spectrum, definitely not full-blown Aspergers but "there's some deficiencies". Regardless, it makes it difficult to meet people, keep relationships going, deal with family, deal with the medical community, deal with work. Fortunately I'm in a line of work where I can get away with a lot - I'm the token geek. Nevertheless, they're a social lot and I'm nervous about not fitting in. I was with the same employer for 26 years and suddenly terminated in a cost-cutting measure. They stressed that it was NOT performance based. A week later they sent my former job out to contract. I tried to sue, but couldn't afford the lawyer. I was fortunate to get another job right away in the same field, and when that fizzed, my current job. They do, however, have a high turnover rate here so I'm still a bit nervous.

You see, there's The Wall. Because I couldn't cope with all the social stuff going around me, I built a mammoth defensive mental infrastructure to keep the world out. Growing up, I was allowed to bury myself in books. My family considered themselves upper-class (which they weren't) and didn't mind that I didn't want to deal with ordinary people. There may even be some dissociation involved. It took me years and years to tear down the wall but people say I'm still hard to get to know.

I think the bi-polar, left long undiagnosed, has caused a lot of damage over the years. It was originally mis-diagosed as just depression and I was given a variety of meds, none of which worked. The side effects were horrific, including some brain damage, tardive dyskenesia and the loss of most of my teeth. Hence, I've give up all hope on SSRI's or their cousins. Paxil and Effexor were the last straws.

How it all evidences itself is something I call "running off the rails". Normal people, when something bad happens, get sad then bounce back. When something good happens, they get happy then return to midline. On "one of my bad days" (more about this in awhile), something bad happens like (literally) spilt milk which throws me off, then something else happens (often as a result of being "off&quot , then the whole thing comes crashing down and I'm a basket case. On the opposite extreme, I'm having an OK day, then I spot a book store and I like books and suddenly I'm delirious, walking out with bags of I can't afford and then I get home and feel bad about that, but then somebody wants to see the books and I go off on a half-hour rant about that, then realize people are staring and go crashing down so I come on DU to distract myself and find this really great thread and post a huge rant, then I get mad because one of the cats wants in my lap and the dog wants a walk, then I'm guilty because they haven't been walked and come crashing down, but then I take them for a walk and come back all energized and launch into a backyard project I've been working on but by the time I find all my tools and get part of it done, I need to go cook supper and it's a disaster as usual and I can't face doing the dishes and I can't face doing the cat litter and I can't face cleaning up the dog poop and I have no idea where to start cleaning up the mess in the living room (did I mention we're both hoarders?) so I turn on the TV and start watching a marathon of shows I've taped, then I'm up 'til 2 a.m., fall asleep on the couch to screaming nightmares and start all over again in three hours.

I'm also an alcoholic in AA. My life has been a wreckage of broken relationships, lost houses and financial problems that echo through to this day. I'd impulsive decide to take an almost-paid-for house, dump it for below market, buy another, unsuitable place that needed fixing up, then another vehicle to replace the last wreck I bought, over and over again.

I earn in the top 10% for this country but you wouldn't know it to look at my finances. My house was bought a few years ago on a shoe-string, then I had to sink a fortune into repairs, which still aren't finished. I got gypped by three contractors - two went out of business and I'm still dealing with the third. I had hoped to be able to do a lot of the work myself but got in over my head, yet another pipe dream ruined.

My wife (Craftygal) is in near total kidney failure and due to start dialysis month-end. It's been a nightmare trying to get her treated, deal with her depression and avoid her just giving up completely.

I've been sick since March. I've been bouncing between snow mold allergies, sinus infections, colds and flus. I can't remember the time I've been able to draw a proper breath. I'm a singer so this affects me greatly. I had an audition last week and hacked and coughed my way through it, barely able to croak. Fortunately I was able to sing again two days later and it was fine. I'll know if I got in on May 14th.

The kids (from a previous marriage), did NOT turn out the way I was expecting. Both girls got pregnant unexpectedly and had to drop out of school. One is going back but it's a rough go. My son is back in school but living out of a rehab half-way house.

You know what's kept me alive all these years? My music, especially Pink Floyd/Roger Waters. I lived a very sheltered life and wasn't allowed to listen to rock music, only the crap that passed for my parents music, jazz and classical. They had no idea I was listening to mind-blowing 20th century stuff like Stockhausen because I was doing it at the library until I bugged them to death for headphones. One fateful day I turned the dial on the radio to the rock station and heard my first rock song - Pink Floyd's "Money". I was ruined for life. It passed my "smell test" for good music because it used music concrete (the cash registers), was in a bizarre time signature (like the classical and jazz stuff) and the lyrics spoke to me about alienation and madness (when I got to hear the rest of the album). I started teaching a couple of months after Another Brick in the Wall hit the airwaves and the album was a life changer. It's become a full-blown obsession. Why is this an issue?

Roger Waters is bringing The Wall to town end of the month. I've got nearly front-row tickets that cost a small fortune. I saw the show in Vancouver but was way in the back and idiots were gabbing all around me. This time I hope it will be different. It's the one thing holding me together. With everything else going on; financial trouble (negative budget with no end in sight), health issues for both of us, family problems, house problems, car problems, weather issues, work issues - I have no idea what to do after that.