Hello.

I have been a member of DU since 2006, but an infrequent poster. I would like to post here more often. I am in desperate need of a place to vent and decompress at times. It is hard to discuss these things with the people I am in contact with daily, since they do not understand. I also need someone outside of my family, that has to deal with the repercussions of mental illness daily, that can provide an ear for listening and empathy.

I have suffered from depression since I was a teen and have just recently been diagnosed as type 2 bipolar. I generally manage quite well.

My daughter was diagnosed as type 1 bipolar 2 years ago when she was 10 years old. She was hearing voices telling her to stab people and herself with knives. She was on suicide watch and all sharp objects were removed from our house. She became violent. She slammed my fingers in a door and stabbed her grandmother with a pencil. That was probably one of the worst times of our lives. It took us almost a year to get her cocktail of meds in order. We went through I think 6 medications before finally putting her on Geodon, which works well for her. During this time period, she was on meds that made her so jumpy she could not sit still, others that made her so sleepy that we could not wake her for school, one that put her in such a fog that she could not put together a coherent sentence and still another that made her put on 15 lbs in 3 weeks. You can imagine what this does to the self esteem of a preteen girl.

She has been "stable" for over a year. Any one that deals with mental illness knows that "stable" does not mean normal, it just means a bit easier. Now she is 12 and full steam into puberty. Her med cocktails are constantly needing to be changed to match her growth and hormone changes. She has become aggressive and sometimes violent.

Did I mention that she has 2 younger brothers? This meme is the story of their lives as well. They are often the brunt of her anger and are deprived of the attention from us that they deserve. Trying to protect them from her, and trying to teach them what a "normal" family is like is extraordinarily difficult. We live very close to my parents, which has proven to be a godsend. My boys can go there when necessary and get the safety and attention they need.

How can anyone that has not experienced mental illness understand these things? How can they possibly know what it is like to know that some day soon I will have to call the police to have them take her to the hospital? To be committed? How can they know how it feels to see this person that you love so terribly much be in such pain? Know that they will have to live with this for the rest of their lives? How can they know what it feels like to take self defense classes so that you can restrain your child before they hurt you or themselves? To know the fear that my baby, my son, my 5 year old suffers from the same illness she does? Is it too much to ask for happiness for my children?

If you have read this far, thank you. I have an intense need right now to communicate with people who may understand and at the very least will not be judgmental. We are in much pain now. I know that it will pass and things will once again stabilize. But, often it feels that I will not be strong enough to make it.

Tracy