Even if you don't have anyone to talk to in person right now, I am so glad you reached out to us here on DU because we are here, and we care.

I've been reading DU for a long time even though I only recently created an account. I do feel safe here.

and the assurance that your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need.

It could be some subconscious trigger, or it might just be too much isolation (I have far too much privacy) - who knows - so I took my 'as needed' anti anxiety supplemental medication and I'm going to re-work my task schedule, for the day. A quick run to the health food store and then back home to start brushing, clipping and trimming all of the garlic I pulled, last month.

I'm hoping I'm going to have some of my fully vaccinated family over, this weekend, for some much needed people time and help around the yard. Ok, so another trigger for my anxiety might just be I'm feeling VERY overwhelmed, lately.

I hope you can start to find your peace, sooner rather than later. I'll keep you in my thoughts, today.

Sorry to hear all you are going through, byt this is a great place to vent.

It's not surprising that you are feeling down. But ending it is not an option right now.

You say that you wouldn't want to leave a mess. I've had suicides in my family and the repercussions on the survivors are deep and long lasting. If for that reason alone today, tell yourself that it's not an option.

One thing that has helped me in the past is studying Buddhist philosophy and meditating. At the very simplest, suffering is all around us in life. In most cases, it is beyond our control. Meditating helps us to give our ruminating minds a break.

I have found the lectures of Pema Chodron very helpful in dealing with depression. Here is a link to a short good one:
https://pemachodronfoundation.org/videos/fear-and-fearlessness/

She has a lot of vids on Youtube about dealing with loss and fear, plus good instruction on meditation.

Amazon happened to have one of her books on sale for Kindle, and so far it looks like it might be helpful.

They are packed with wise insights. Sometimes it would take me a day just to read a handful of pages. I would then need time to ponder it.

I hope you get some benefit from it.

This is probably irrelevant to what you're suffering, but I've been feeling more depressed in recent days. Am taking 4 meds.
My therapist wants me to start using my light box now because the days become visibly shorter in August. I have the seasonal thing on top of the rest of it. Usually I don't start until late October, and it does help me.

I have no idea whether this is of use to you, but I wish you well.

I have them on in the background quite often. These are some of my favorites-

&t=12s







They can be amazingly helpful !!

Just BE for a while among trees, grass, sky, clouds, birds, ground animals, and other people who are not rushed or hurried.
The outdoors can be very healing, as opposed to enclosed space indoors.

Hope you can find a park or field nearby, or even a quiet backyard.

Peace.

Thank you all for the kind words and suggestions. I will definitely try out the suggestions.

Just having people respond is a huge help. I think I needed that human connection of people other than my family.

Also, I should be receiving some new crafting supplies today or tomorrow and that will help. Crafting helps me get out of my own head for awhile.

Thanks again.

Important to remember that the meds just keep getting better and better. There is a good chance you'll have the perfect dose for yourself and your daughter in the near future. Order yourself a book on matriarchs throughout history because you are one. You are up there with other strong and quiet family heroes of all times. I know it does not feel like it but you need to find a way to pat yourself on the back for all you do.

so much for the very kind words. It means a lot to me that people have taken the time to respond.

The big, heavy dark cloud over me is slowly shrinking.

You did me a big favor by posting this. There's a lot of stuff that might help me, too.

that helps me.

Take care.