I'm sometimes astounded by the will to live even when it is of no real quality.

You found it for mom and you are a fine son for caring so deeply. ♥️

Sincerely!

Think of how happy your mom will be to make friends & really receive the care she needs.

Not invalidating your feelings, my friend, just telling you how I see it.

So glad they can take your mom!

When will she be moving in?

Evaluation was today. She’s calling me Monday to set up an appointment. I’m guessing 3-4 weeks? I’m so excited about the prospect…and feeling guilty at the same time. Hoping that if she’s happy I can put it away.

She will pick up on it & have a good outlook going into the place.

I know what you mean about the guilt, but she needs to be there & you have found an exceptional care home for her. That's doing the virtually impossible, imo!

So give yourself z pat on the back for finding her the best option.

Great advice, just need to look outside myself I guess.

We all benefit from objectivity.

But I don’t. I do think your emotions are what many of us know all too well. I also think this decision on you n your wife’s part is out of love and selfless knowing you are not able to give your mom what health professionals can. Don’t beat yourself up..you’re a good son with a very hard decision. Be sure to take good care of you and your wife..it’s important for your health, too.

Family, Death, Sickness are all a struggle in life. It only ends with our own death. Trust yourself. You did right. Peace to you Glamrock.

I fell apart hearing that. She’s not good. I was not sure if she would be too far gone. This poor woman from the facility. After breaking down in her office and then my living room, im sure I’ll always be “that wet guy” to her! LOL!

You reached out to me when I was thinking about dying and then loneliness threatened to swallow me whole.

You were there..unlike so many people I knew who are too busy to check in and say hi.

I know the issues with your mom are hard as shit. But know this you are an awesome human being. Just talking to you made my heart heal.

And most of all you truly care.

My mom had a slow decline and her little sister took excellent care of her. After a few years I could see the stress on her. We decided together to give my aunt a break after xmas.


My mom temporarily went to a care home for 2 days.

She died there. I think she died there than rather hurt her sister and traumatize her. I think she was aware at some level family was there and she didn't want to go while we were there.

My mom was a kind person and this I think was her choice because she loved us even though she had supra nuclear palsy and dementia.She chose to die when we wouldn't watch her go.
Even to the end she cared.

To be able to help others you need to accept you have limits like everybody on earth does. Love yourself and know somewhere deep inside she knows and can accept your limits and wants you to have a life.

In my heart, I know first hand you are a good person,Glam.

💖

Means much! Texted yo ass!

Now its late. Gotta check yo message and get my kitty cat ass to bed.

…of caring for your mom. I don’t recall the specifics of how serious or constant her cognitive decline is.

As a mom myself, I’m going to speculate that your mom would not want you shattered and exhausted by trying to care for her. Think about what you just said about wanting to spare your wife. Surely your mom would want to spare you.

In a rare moment of lucidity, and they are rare, she told me she couldn’t live with us anymore because she’s being a burden.

I know you’re right, it’s just….knowing this is her greatest fear I can’t help but hate myself even if it’s the absolute best decision.

But you’re totally right. Just hard to see that tree through the forrest.

Good luck with all of it.

This post just made a difference in my day/night. Thank you and super glad things are working out for your family.

But glad it did! And I’m not trying to be ironic, sarcastic, or funny. It’s a rough row to how. Knowing my pressure release helped someone else? That’s beyond a good trade. Obviously, you’re going through something similar. Glad I could help and please feel free to pm me if you need to vent. It’s a hard hard hard thing to deal with. If I’m off base, no harm no foul. But if I’m right? Im here….

the time you spend with her can/will be better quality if you guys aren’t under the unrelenting pressure of day to day care. There will still be plenty for you to do for her. It’s a blessing to find a good place that can take on the lions share of caregiving, really.

of the advanced care we had to organize. My sister was constantly organizing and coordinating and ordering and getting the apartment assessed for the changing needs of my parents. My mom passed away and we were glad she was able to stay with dad. But a few months later dad moved into a nursing home and all the issues were solved. They had a trick for any eventuality. I should say that we had excellent private care too in both instances. My dad adjusted well and started speaking French to some of the staff (we did not know he could speak french). Point is you can't say your mom would be happier at one place vs. another. Just keep her safe and visit often and that is the best thing you can do.

Your Mom loves you…

It's no joke, and really, really hard. It hurts.

And after it gets so bad, you just cannot do it on your own.

Not your fault. Your mom will be OK - better off, in fact, and don't you be feeling bad about yourself over it. Seriously. Dragging yourself over the coals just hurts you.

Besides, you can go visit your mom at least once a week. Make sure she's OK. Read to her. Talk to her. Tell her how you love her.

It really will work out.

After my Mom died in Hospice (an absolutely beautiful place with more help than they'd ever need) I decided I wasn't going to put my family through the same thing. My brother and sister would visit her once in awhile, but all the details and decisions were left to me alone. Like you, I decided I wasn't putting the weight of my departure on my daughter's shoulders. I love her far too much for that.

Right then and there I decided to be the master of my own demise and went out to buy a 12 GA. Shotgun. When the time comes I have a standing appointment with Dr. Remington. My choice, my terms. I've told my family of my wishes so they're not shocked when it happens. One shot to the brain pan and I'm history. I prepaid all of my final expenses with enough set aside for one helluva' party afterward.

Great minds think alike, Glam. Nice to see that others have selected the same exit from this mortal coin as myself. Until you've been through it, you don't get to judge our decision to make others' lives easier at the end of our lives.

Let's hope neither of us has to implement these plans anytime soon, right?

My family's all about quality of life and when my pain gets too much to stand any longer (this is happening sooner than later) I am doing the same thing. My dad was a perfectly healthy, sharp as a tack, 85 year old and he died in his sleep 3 years ago March 29. I am still in shock since he was so healthy and active but the family is glad that this was how he died. He wanted to die that way, I think most of us prefer quick and no pain. So I am glad he got that last wish. "Quality of life" is my family's motto. Your decisions are based on that too. I stand with you. I think more of us understand your decision more than you realize.

Aloha.

The decision to move her to memory care was when the tenant answered his doorbell and found her in the driveway, 4 a.m. on a cold March morning.

She had her house key in her hand and didn't know how to use it to get back into her apartment. She lasted 9 years in memory care before she died. For 9 years, I visited her to make sure she was well treated and I took care of renting out two apartments.

Yes, I also felt like shit at times and at other times, I knew it was for the best -- especially when I would see "Silver Alert" signs with license plate numbers. I also recall our neighbor, I was about 19 years old and he was in his 60's. He was never "right" and things deteriorated. One day, he disappeared. He was found 2 weeks later, face down in the stream about 1/8 mile from our house.

So yes. You will feel good about doing what you know, needs to be done and you will feel like shit from time to time, doing it. It is natural for us. I was an only child so it was all on me.

So, the thing is to get clear on what you can do for her, emotionally and physically during her remaining time. Do as much of that as you can without sacrificing quality of your life and your significant others. The goal is to be able to look back after she is gone and be able to tell yourself that you did the best you could within the parameters of your current life's situation.

YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR HER AT THIS TIME. But do for her all that you know is right.



Subtopic. Should the time come if/when you are in such a situation, I hope you will find a less violent way of ending your life. Do you live in a state with assisted suicide? Investigate the book, "Final Exit."

I hope this all helps.


3H

If I wind up in that kind of bad quality of life
and my family has a bad quality of life taking care of me situation too.

Mom had supra nuclear palsy. I do not want to live that way when it starts getting bad

bestfor your mom, for all of you. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Having done memory care for years, I can tell you that the kindest, most loving thing one can do is realizing that the person needs more help than you can provide.

And because my experience confirmed my intentions set many years ago, I am with you and Robin.

May you all have healing and peace.

It was this: "If I ever get to where I am unable to care for myself, do not hesitate to put me in a place where I can be well cared for."

I meant it at the time, and I still feel very strongly about it. The last thing I would ever want is for her to put her life on hold and give up things she enjoys to wait on my ass hand and foot. She's an only child, so if such a decision ever has to be made, it will be on her alone (in consultation with her life partner), and I do NOT want her to agonize about it or (gods forbid) think she should feel guilty about it.

I don't know your mother, Glam, so I can't say for sure how she would have felt about this back when she still had the discernment to make an informed decision, but I would certainly hope that she would not want you to struggle indefinitely with trying to provide care that is way beyond your pay grade. You are NOT going to be abandoning her. Finding a top notch place to provide the care she needs is the OPPOSITE of abandonment, so please strike that word from your vocabulary right here and now (she said sternly).

That place you described sounds excellent. Your mom will be in great hands, she will get excellent care, and you will be around to watch over her and intervene on the (remote) chance anything goes awry. That does NOT equal abandonment.

Lastly, although I know it may seem counterintuitive, please know that beating yourself up with guilt is actually a choice, and you can choose not to do it. In my opinion, you have absolutely NOTHING - ZERO - ZIP - ZILCH - NADA to feel guilty about. I am confident that you are going to be doing something that's good for you, good for your wife, and - yes - very good for your mother.



I am sure that this is going to be a very emotional time for you, and that's to be expected. It's a HUGE step, a turning point in your mom's life and yours. Riding out those emotions is no doubt going to be a challenge no matter what, but I think that the more you can manage to give yourself permission to feel good about the positive aspects for everyone involved (INCLUDING your mom) and realize that you do NOT deserve to feel guilty about this, the better off you will be.

I’m moved to tears.

Thanks so much! I just can’t do more than that right now.

Thank you!

Because I know she's very proud of you. Keep up the good work! You're a role model for us all. ❤

As if the whole idea of a new "home" for Mom wasn't hard enough, we suddenly had Covid to deal with and worry about... and because of the home's warrior intent to keep their clients safe, we never got an orientation. But Mom had already been in an Assisted Living Facility, which is how we learned that there are varying types of homes, and Mom was way past the care they could give her in Assisted Living. What made it really hard is Mom could be downright mean and ugly at times. Assisted Living just wasn't able to deal with that and her dementia.

This home is less than what I'd wished for, but it is comfy and homey. It's farther from me than I'd like, but Sis and my daughter take me out to see her regularly. Also, I always make arrangements for Mom to come home to us over holidays and spend an extended time here (had her for 2 weeks at Xmas). It's hard to see her go back, but I know she's where they can take care of her. After I stopped beating myself up for not being able to do it myself, I was able to see the good they were doing with her.

We had an "oh, shit, we have to make changes" moment here before looking for homes. Mom had spent 2 years with us. I fight fibromyalgia and lupus and weight about 100 pounds. Mom's nearly twice as big as I am, and she always kept finding a way down to the floor. I was terrified she was going to end up really hurting herself. Didn't help that, for the life of us, hubby and I couldn't get her back on her feet upright. But reality hit me between the eyes when she looked at my husband and asked quietly who that man was... and I could tell from her eyes she no longer recognized my husband.

It's not the way I'd planned for her "golden years" to end up being, believe me. I had fully intended for her to live here with us, and hubby graciously and lovingly helped me and agreed with whatever I thought was best. Dementia deprived me and Mom of a lot of things I'd hoped we'd be able to do once we both were retired. But, that's just the way life goes, I guess... I'm like you, tho... I'm not going to put my daughter thru this. I'll find some other way to live (or not) when I get to that point. I'm hopeful by then maybe they'll actually have meds or treatment for dementia that will really help. Meantime, I stopped beating myself up over Mom, accepted that there are some things I just cannot change, no matter how good my intentions, and started working on keeping more of my own brain power. With hubby's memory being not so good anymore, I need all of mine I can hang on to!

You done good, Glam... and after a transition period, you'll see that the homes can work absolute wonders with their clients. Homes these days are not necessarily just warehouses any longer. With luck, she'll make new friends and have a good life of her own that even you might not have been able to give her. And doing it on her own will give her a sense of accomplishment that in the days of dementia become few and far between. Blessings to you and your family.

You are awesome. I've been through this with my Mom. Now, 15 years later with my Sister in a rehab hospital after yet another age and dementia related health crisis. I'm looking for a good memory care place. This is after years of trying to keep her in her home and happy with ever increasing interventions and home care aides. You are not abandoning her. The 24/7 care needed is crushing for most families.

The fact that you are emotionally wrecked by this just shows how much you care. Watching a loved one taken by dementia is fucking awful. The pros in geed memory care homes actually do know how to enhance their daily experiences and keep them safe. They will help keep you sane too.

It's OK to be sad. You are on the right path.

Think about that.

I know how hard it is, and the guilt it involves. We had a big double dose, first for putting mom in an Assisted Living place when we couldn't find 24x7 care for her at home and then when we disconnected her from the ventilator 3 years later. That one was the biggie!

Life is not easy for caregivers or family members of the seriously ill, it hurts.