I don't really know what to say. I feel your pain.

I'm sending you a

And I hope you can find a path forward that will be more fulfilling.

So at the moment you feel like crap on a stick and incapable of seeing your personal future as a place where your own dreams can happen.

MAYBE that is true. Maybe it's not.

If you off yourself, you will never know.

Go ahead and cry. Set a timer and cry for 10 minutes. If you can't keep it up that long, just see how long it takes before your system realizes you are taking your own pain seriously.

I tried to feel sorry for myself once for 5 minutes and it worked for 3 then I started laughing at myself. I was writing in my journal all the crap I had to feel the world had crapped on me for and at some point, my inner self felt heard. Once that happened the relief washed over me and I started feeling lighter and laughter bubbled up. I was laughing at the feeling of relief, like bubbles tickling my spirit.

I got a few books, a play and ideas for 2 spiritual/political movements that are drowning on their own while I have to work in a warehouse because I decided that was the only way to make myself exercise.

I used to do tech support, but I always felt that while people might be clueless about computers etc... they were often smart about other things that I was not.

I guess supporting doctors and nurses that freaked out when their stuff decided to crap out and could put a patient's life at stake gave me that perspective. Remember their password? Please. Remember the correct dosage for medication to know what is written on the chart is correct and in the system wrong, you bet.

Anyway, give yourself at least 35 things to do before you can seriously consider suicide again.

Lots of times, about 2-3 projects into my list, I feel better about me and the feeling of being a worthless piece of shit leaves me.


Or .... think of some other way to creatively procrastinate on that final solution to temporary problems.



People who jump to end their lives but fail to die almost always report regretting the decision on the way down to the ground.


Give yourself time to change your mind without having the last option staring you in the face.


Good luck

Like I wish I could have done more. I already survived two attempts on my life. Guess I didn't feel regret if I did it a second time.

Wish I could stop worrying about everything.

Set your sights on supporting her and her aspirations in some sort of managerial/agent type role... I had to do that when I was disabled and ended up at home unable to work in construction any longer, my wife wanted to follow her dream of a farm and nursery, there was a lot I could contribute in the background that actually made me feel pretty useful even though it was not what I really wanted to do with my life. Now together we have run a successful(by our standards) nursery and "truck garden" type operation selling locally and at various growers/farmer markets for the last 20 years...

I'm always helping in anyway I can especially on Friday nights at her co-op when she has her classes. I help her set up and assist her. Can't paint worth anything. But I'm useful in places she needs it. I hope it gets better overtime for her. Maybe I'm just sad that I'm not creative and just part of the mindless 9 to 5 shit in life

The "rat race" can be pretty sad for sure....

If your dreams are dead then explore new dreams. What about changing jobs? I know it takes a lot of mental energy but call centers are a drain on your psych even when not grappling with depression. Can you change to something completely different? Completely different!!!
Finding a niche to help you pass to another field may give you a mental boost. If you like to write then write. Spend time being supportive to your girlfriend. Try to distract yourself from constantly telling yourself how miserable you are. Change the mantra in your brain. You are what you think so if you can’t change your life then change your mind.
And easy on alcohol and smoking grass. Both are depressants.

Just raise your sails and see where it takes you. Big hugs. Life is tough.

I just want to become to dependent on her. That's my biggest worry I have. But yeah dreams are pretty much dead. Just now where do I look for another? Is it worth it? Not exactly in my 20s. Being in the early 30s. Life tends to cement itself somewhere right?

But I would say go ahead and scream. Scream until you can’t anymore. Then, find a peaceful place..away from tv n phones n take someone you really love n care about n tell that person how you feel. No one knows unless you tell them. Life is not a competition. Everyone has worth n your journey has hit a bump in the road. When I see an 85 year old grandmother walk the stage to get her degree she put off most of her life, I say, wow! Or, a disabled person doing tasks that even the most abled cannot, it’s inspiring. Be thankful for all you have n all you don’t have..an open heart can be an invitation for something you never thought of before. I hope my thoughts help in some small way as I, too, have times of doubt. I also hope you will let us know about how you’re doing with that book you haven’t finished. 🤗

But after reading it a few times. It's the most cringeworthy thing I've ever seen. Its awful

Writer's club.

What I thought was not the greatest when I read it myself, was interesting to other writers, mostly the characters.

What do you not like about it?

For me, by the time I finished it, many other people were writing along the same lines. I was ahead of the curve when I started and a late comer by the time I was done.

IF I go back into any of my writing, I think I will keep my characters but put them in different situations, things that will be more relatable to today's audience or tomorrow's.

AND.... a friend of mine self published.

HIS book WAS a piece of crap when looked at objectively, but because he's actually published, he's still ahead of me because I am letting fear hold me back.


((EDIT: By "help" I mean that I don't feel horrible about not getting published and when I retire, I fully intend to tackle this final career as a writer - when I have time to do so. So I have postponed but not given up on my dream. I can go about my daily life most days without feeling like a piece of crap or suicidal. Some days, it's bad. But I own it, talk to people I have made myself accountable and crawl out of the pit.))

But I made it into some god awful CW Freeform type teen drama book. Like I cannot believe I made it that way on accident. It wasn't like typical vampire dairies or supernatural. It was two siblings being brought to another world to restart life but end up becoming Its protectors with a group of other supernatural characters. They are human but the rest of their friends are all from the supernatural.

Sounds awful right?

From time to time, passages in the junk pile were reborn.

Start a new book ?

or a movie story?

I'm sure yall would enjoy supernatural fantasy stories! I do a lot

For me, working a 9 to 5 bullshit job in IT was one of the most depressing things in my life. I quit and started my own business for 25 years then had to close it and found a way to work from home, for myself. My point is, if you are like me, find a way to be self employed. That made the biggest difference in my life. I stay focused and interested in what I do because it’s for ME. Just an idea. I hope you hang on and figure your path out.

Self employment would be great. But I don't know what I could do.

It’s pretty easy once you get started. I buy shit from government auctions, govdeals.com in my area or estate sales or flea markets…. Or, help your girlfriend sell her crafts on Etsy. Same principle. And see how that works.

I help her out as much as I can in my free time. I know she has etsy and ebay shops currently

The way I started on eBay was by buying the contents of a storage unit at auction. The first one was a gold mine. The next 40 I bought were not. But I always made money on them and what i got out of the unit determined what I sold on eBay. It was like treasure hunting. You can send me an email on this site if you would like more info on it. I would be glad to help you.

Would be interesting to see at the most

you have a lot to be grateful for. Better make a gratitude list and read it every morning.

Also, it's a free country - you don't have to keep a job you hate. Find something marginally better. Then, after awhile, find something marginally better again.

I do have enough to be grateful for. But depression doesn't care. It happens when it wants no matter how good things are going. Sadly I worry I won't be able to marry her due to the scotus

In fact I'm still battling it. That's why I subscribe to this group. Action must come first, that's the thing most depressed people (myself included, until reecently) don't understand. It's the same as with alcoholism - you can't think yourself into a new way of living. You have to live yourself into a new way of thinking. One small action at a time.

Last edited Mon Aug 8, 2022, 08:57 AM - Edit history (1)

What happened since then?

It seemed like you two were working as a team with the projects together....maybe get more involved?

But it just flips on a dime with me. I try to be involved as much as I can. I guess I'm sad she has achieved her happiness and dreams being an artist on a bigger scale. I'm just a worthless call rep that sites and takes abuse from people while not achieving anything close to my dreams. I know its far from reach so I just help hers now.

You are quoting me. (Heh) I'm in the same boat. My dreams are gone and there is no getting them back. It has ruined me to the point where I just cannot see any reason to keep trying to do anything. EXCEPT... as you also note, there is another involved. Which makes it tough to just check out, even if you want to every single day. I want to. But, I don't want to. It is constant pulling in opposite directions that wears one out. I wish I had a good answer on what to do, but know that I am in the same boat and understand what you are saying completely.

This sucks. I'm still sad despite it was just a couple of days ago. It hasn't gotten much better