Your plan for the day sounds like a good one.

I get your anxiety about expressing that which is intensely painful or difficult. Have you thought about saying everything you'd like to say but are afraid to say (in small "chunks" ) to your kitties--almost like a rehearsal, but obviously in an environment where no one is judging you and you get instantaneous comfort? The act of "rehearsal" is like a desensitization technique-- some people do it away from everyone on long outdoor hikes or similar--where they can scream, cry, jump for joy, or whatever emotions they are feeling while letting the long walk send some healing endorphins. Your kitties would serve to do the same.

Just a thought. Give 'em a hug for me.

Your kits will help you calm!

Maybe do 2 sessions / week? (If you have Medicare, I believe they will pay for 2/ wk.)

No doubt that will be the pattern.

The scariest thing is if this therapy unlocks more.

fact you had to go see therapist triggered it. It’s strange a thing that triggers me is the day before I go to a doctors appointment where they are going to take my blood pressure I start to worry. Sure enough my blood pressure will be high. At home it’s fine. Go to the doctor and get that white coat syndrome response.

When I get triggered I take a breath and ask myself, "How old do I feel right now?"

A lot of times it's some part of my childhood that is looking for my attention, to heal.

So I mentally picture my adult self next to the child self and as an adult I do what is needed to comfort the child.
As an adult I know things that would help a child and what I wished the adults could have done for me as a child.
Ironically, the mind doesn't worry about time having passed or me comforting myself, it heals an old wound that has been unattended for a long time.

IF I find myself feeling OLDER than my current age, it's about fearing the future.
That's when I have to "let go" and decide to "cross that bridge when I get to it" as all the worrying simply exhausts my energy to deal with whatever it is.

AND remember the GREAT thing about therapy....
You are opening up and telling secrets that if held inside will poison your mind.
We are only as sick as our secrets.

You can visualize those secrets and worries draining out of your mind and dripping through your arms and out of your fingertips into mason jars that fill with dark goo and each jar can be capped and set aside until you are ready to deal with it.

Or wrapping up those thoughts like a little present if they are bittersweet.
Any way that makes sense for you to be able to visually set it aside aids in being able to let go of something.

When you feel drawn back to it, you can see it is safely set aside and can visualize walking past it and letting out a sigh of relief that you DON'T have to pick it back up. It's perfectly safe where it is and can be dealt with at your next appointment.

I called to make a follow up appointment with my new physician. I had been seeing an APN and was finally getting comfortable with her. She just retired. I have SEVERE white coat anxiety and an all around distrust of medical providers, due to some unfortunate experiences I have had and also some I've watched my family go through.

Now my new physician, who I've only seen once, is on leave until some time in April so I have an appointment with an interim provider. She's a nurse practitioner. Depending on the notes taken, I might have to go through this whole explanation thing, AGAIN. I thought about waiting until April but I'll see how this goes. Who knows. Maybe I'll click with this NP.

I know I'm spiraling because I've lost my appetite, again. At least I've got until Feb 10 to try and settle myself down.

How I've managed to live this long without melting down into a puddle of angst is beyond comprehension. Well, maybe the kitcats have something to do with that.

One example that made me happy.

LINCOLN Project telling the TRUTH about Biden Presidency
https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1017&pid=798857

Hilary on Howard Stern

Think I might follow down the rabbit hole on that ... she was on his show several times.


Or whatever music you like.

My short happy list is:




Gotta find my inner tigress at times.


NP is a step UP isn't it?


AND kitcats ARE the BEST.

My baby is 22 years old. Don't know how she has lived this long, but we are spoiling her rotten until the end.
She settles in with us and her purr is so therapeutic.

That did make me smile.

'Uptown Funk' ALWAYS makes me smile. And dance. And that makes the kitcats look at me like I've gone bananas.

I'm very eclectic in my music tastes. All over the board.

And when I got into a deep funk after losing a job I happened upon the Old Movie mashup with Uptown Funk.
Seeing those elegant dance moves lining up with the newer and how well they synced it up blew my mind.

Then I saw Can't Stop the Feeling and normal people dancing was just hilarious.

And I was born in the year of the Tiger, so I like to think of myself as a Tigress and Katy Perry's ROAR is perfect for me.


My calm downs at night are solitaire, mahjong and Acappella groups like Voice Play, Home Free and Pentatonix
I often watch "first time reaction videos to them" because the basses in VP and HF really SHOCK people at how low they can sing. Opera singers give really good insight as to HOW the groups arrangements make them so full even without instruments.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1017798866