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debm55

(36,159 posts)
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 05:33 PM Mar 2023

I was always her mother.

February 20th was my birthday, I received a card and check from my family. I talk to my mother. Within a few seconds she starts going hysterical--crying and screaming about the shape of the house--dust, needs new rugs, dust again, water dripping from the faucet, dog needing haircut., etc, etc. I have posted on here about my abusive childhood, and emotional damage she has done to my family. I posted that she called my son a bastard, he is adopted. The reason she didn't visit him in Rehab--he's a doper. Slamming the phone down when I corrected her on what really happened. Letting my brother call me a pimple face whore. and beating the shit of me. And on and on. But when push comes to shove, I didn't slam the phone on her. I tried to get her back to reality by saying that I loved her over and over. Never said--you're a bad mother, like she did to me. I asked her if she is taking her pills that the doctor gave her. No. Has she gotten back to the social worker to take care of my dad for a day. No. Her biggest concern was her computer. She spends 3,000 a month gambling on line.
But then I thought back at my life, I was always the one to cook, take care of my siblings., provide her with a listening ear as ranted about my father--even sexual stuff. I have always been her emotional fool and punching bag for my family. The odd thing is I didn't hang up. I'll never break free. Yesterday my psychologist tells me, that he is retiring and I should have received a notice from the clinic . I didn't. He wants the new Doctor to remove me from all the pills I take. Next appointment--7 months.
Just wanted to say, that my mom never did wish me a Happy Birthday, after the call, I took a nap. Sixty eight years of dealing with a malignant narcissist is draining. PS I go sort of no contact except for birthdays and holidays. Thank you for letting me post this.

39 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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I was always her mother. (Original Post) debm55 Mar 2023 OP
I'm sorry and belated happy birthday 🎈 questionseverything Mar 2023 #1
Are you ok? kozar Mar 2023 #2
Kozar, I don't ever feel okay. I try as hard as I can to make it one day at a time. I do have a debm55 Mar 2023 #5
But you can train yourself to stop thinking all thoughts. For periods of time Maraya1969 Mar 2023 #11
I will try your suggestion. Thank you. debm55 Mar 2023 #12
I'm so happy you have a wonderful husband. That's amazing, considering everything. pnwmom Mar 2023 #29
I was engaged at 18 to an abuser. Sent him back his ring in the mail, as I was afraid of what he debm55 Mar 2023 #34
You don't have to do any of that if you don't want to. Your primary obligation pnwmom Mar 2023 #38
I hope sharing this helps you some. KarenS Mar 2023 #3
why do you put up with her Skittles Mar 2023 #4
Skittles, I stopped contact. When I was 18, I moved 100 miles away and went to Penn State. She debm55 Mar 2023 #6
I can sympathize Skittles Mar 2023 #7
I have always been her emotional go to person. She has told me, I took her husband away from her as debm55 Mar 2023 #8
try to realize she is mentally ill Skittles Mar 2023 #15
If her mother abused you sexually, wnylib Mar 2023 #35
Sending you hugs MLAA Mar 2023 #9
I would stop talking to her. Karadeniz Mar 2023 #10
Happy belated birthday! Sending you good wishes for some personal peace. Lonestarblue Mar 2023 #13
Hugggggs. Wishing you a belated Happy Birthday, and the gift of peace. niyad Mar 2023 #14
Wishing you a belated Happy Birthday Rhiannon12866 Mar 2023 #16
Happy SpamWyzer Mar 2023 #17
I'm truly sorry that you are putting yourself through this neglect judesedit Mar 2023 #18
Happy Birthday to you debm55. MontanaMama Mar 2023 #19
They don't separate the categories of personality disorder out the way they used to. pnwmom Mar 2023 #24
Yes, it's sometimes a long journey. Joinfortmill Mar 2023 #28
Wishing you gademocrat7 Mar 2023 #20
Happy birthday 🎁🎂🎊 live love laugh Mar 2023 #21
Damn, I hope you take care of yourself n/t hibbing Mar 2023 #22
I am so sorry you had to deal with a lifetime of abuse. It cannot be minimized. It takes a toll that Evolve Dammit Mar 2023 #23
You are an amazing person people Mar 2023 #25
I guess it worked differently for me. As I went to Penn State for 2 years and switched to teaching. debm55 Mar 2023 #36
Sending you prayers and hugs. Joinfortmill Mar 2023 #26
Having had a parent who was a narcissist, I understand the guilt they can inspire. pnwmom Mar 2023 #27
I've broken free of this kind of craziness a few times in my life... hunter Mar 2023 #30
I totally understand. Duppers Mar 2023 #31
I feel your pain. Hang tough debm55, take care of YOURSELF. LoisB Mar 2023 #32
Ah, but you write such beautiful posts over in the Lounge, asking us lovely questions. NNadir Mar 2023 #33
Happy belated Birthday. 🎉🎂 onecaliberal Mar 2023 #37
I completely empathize with your situation. virgdem Mar 2023 #39

debm55

(36,159 posts)
5. Kozar, I don't ever feel okay. I try as hard as I can to make it one day at a time. I do have a
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 05:46 PM
Mar 2023

wonderful husband. But my past will always be there and there is no way to get rid of that thought.

Maraya1969

(22,997 posts)
11. But you can train yourself to stop thinking all thoughts. For periods of time
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 07:02 PM
Mar 2023

Just close your eyes and look/watch for where you next thought will come from.

It will immediately calm you because you stop thinking.

I wish the very best for you.

pnwmom

(109,562 posts)
29. I'm so happy you have a wonderful husband. That's amazing, considering everything.
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:31 PM
Mar 2023

Some people raised by malignant narcissists unconsciously seek out a spouse with the same features.

Good for you that you were too smart to do that.

Given your age, I imagine your mother doesn't have many years left. You WILL be free when she dies. You will NOT have to drag her along with you even after she's gone.

My narcissistic parent died some years ago, and I will tell you, it was freeing. It can be for you, too.

debm55

(36,159 posts)
34. I was engaged at 18 to an abuser. Sent him back his ring in the mail, as I was afraid of what he
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:45 PM
Mar 2023

what he would do. My brother is a paranoid schizophrenic. and my sister is mental delayed and prone to anger issues. I am tlo take care of the house and my siblings when she dies.

pnwmom

(109,562 posts)
38. You don't have to do any of that if you don't want to. Your primary obligation
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 09:25 PM
Mar 2023

is to yourself and your son. Please keep reminding yourself of that.

KarenS

(4,634 posts)
3. I hope sharing this helps you some.
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 05:43 PM
Mar 2023

It all sounds so hostile and horrible.

Happy belated Birthday to you!

Skittles

(159,374 posts)
4. why do you put up with her
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 05:45 PM
Mar 2023

yeah I know she is family but ENOUGH already

I ENLISTED to move far away from home.....

debm55

(36,159 posts)
6. Skittles, I stopped contact. When I was 18, I moved 100 miles away and went to Penn State. She
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 05:51 PM
Mar 2023

wanted me to stay home and help. I left. When I moved to teach in Philadelphia, she called me and told me she was going to kill herself. I called the local (Pittsburgh area) police. I try, I really do. I have gone no contact. I love her not from love but fear.

Skittles

(159,374 posts)
7. I can sympathize
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 05:56 PM
Mar 2023

I had an unstable mum too.....I moved FAR away and just kept a long-distance relationship, and that was enough.....

your mum is likely Borderline Personality, VERY hard to deal with

debm55

(36,159 posts)
8. I have always been her emotional go to person. She has told me, I took her husband away from her as
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 06:01 PM
Mar 2023

he loved me more than he loved her. My father never sexually abused me, but my grandmother(mother's mom) did. My mother's response--she was peculiar. She has always gaslighted me and still does. When I explain the facts, that's when she calls me every name in the book. She never did wished me a happy birthday, the conversation was all about her. Like it always is. Mom, I am 32, thought I was pregnant and took test, Mom, they told me I am going through menopause. Mother--what do you want me to do about it? Slam of phone.
I cried.

Skittles

(159,374 posts)
15. try to realize she is mentally ill
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 07:32 PM
Mar 2023

you cannot change that, all you can do is try to not let it get to you so badly and yes I know how hard this is - when I was a kid I didn't bring friends home because I knew she was not like other mothers

wnylib

(24,405 posts)
35. If her mother abused you sexually,
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:50 PM
Mar 2023

it's very likely that your grandmother also abused your mother. Doesn't change the fact that your mother is a difficult, abusive person, but it might help you in coping to know where it comes from.

Detachment from toxic people is a good thing. It doesn't mean totally shutting them out of your life, although that is an option. Detachment can mean minimal contact, which you have already established. Kudos for doing that.

Another part of detachment is to maintain emotional boundaries and the ability to care about her from your side of the boundary, without crossing over it into getting caught up in her emotional manipulations. Not easy to do, but possible and necessary for your own well being. You cannot control what she says and does, but you can control how you react emotionally, how you feel about what she says and does. You can train yourself to stop feeling guilt, anxiety, pain, etc. as a reaction to her. Let your thoughts and feelings go to a better place in response to her toxic space. Remind yourself of these things: "That's her life, not mine." "Sad that she's not happy, but I choose to be happy."

When not in touch with her and the negative memories and feelings about her toxicity pop into you mind, let go and say to yourself, "That's her life, not mine anymore. I choose my own path." Maybe it would help to have a peaceful, happy mental picture of something or someone that you care about that you can turn to as an alternative to negative memories and feelings. Perhaps it could be a mental picture of yourself at a happy moment in your life to reinforce that your path and choices are your own and not hers. Being unhappy yourself will not help her in any way or make her into a different person. So why shouldn't at least one of you be happy?

Hang in there and hang onto your own life and peace. You deserve it.

Happy birthday.






MLAA

(18,602 posts)
9. Sending you hugs
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 06:02 PM
Mar 2023
I can’t imagine how difficult it is to deal with and carry the damage from a mother with so many challenges. ❤️❤️❤️

niyad

(119,939 posts)
14. Hugggggs. Wishing you a belated Happy Birthday, and the gift of peace.
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 07:32 PM
Mar 2023

Know that your DU family is here for you.

An old adage: Your friends are god's way of apologizing for your relatives.

 

SpamWyzer

(385 posts)
17. Happy
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 07:50 PM
Mar 2023

belated birthday debm55. I wish you peace of mind, may your heart learn to let go of the pain. May your days be filled with light and joy.

judesedit

(4,510 posts)
18. I'm truly sorry that you are putting yourself through this neglect
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:02 PM
Mar 2023

Each time she calls, you should tell her if she doesn't have anything nice to say, you don't want to talk to her. It is affecting your health. It's not about love. You still love her, but you love yourself, too. Have a lovely day. Bye bye.

It takes a long time to realize that people can't abuse you unless you let them. Maybe you feel like you need to be punished for some reason. Ask yourself that question and give yourself an honest answer.

Many times you will see it is the other person projecting onto you their own faults. Then take a deep breath. It is freeing when you see the truth.

MontanaMama

(24,023 posts)
19. Happy Birthday to you debm55.
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:02 PM
Mar 2023

I’m really sorry about that nasty phone call. None of that was okay and none of it was your fault. Staying in relationship with a narcissist is impossible. Once you see them for what they are, you can’t unsee it.

Forgive my question…but I wonder if your mom isn’t a borderline personality in addition to a narcissist? Your description of the phone call made my chest tighten. My mother was a borderline. Probably a narcissist too but whatever. My mom died in 2009. I never severed my relationship with her but I severely limited our contact. The night I made that decision, I was 40 years old, in labor with my son and my mom showed up at the hospital bombed out of her mind. How she even drove there I don’t know. She was off the rails and made a one woman show of herself. My husband had to leave my side to deal with her and someone, I don’t even know who, drove her drunk ass home.

The next day when she and my dad came to see my infant son, she told me that she was sorry I had a boy and that Sophie, my sister’s daughter, would always be her favorite. It was that moment when I said “no more.” I did what I had to for her over the next 4 years and not one thing more. When she took her last breath I was there at her side but I wasn’t sad. I was exhausted but I didn’t shed a tear.

I believe you will find your way forward with your mom…everyone dealing with a narcissist is on a different path. These people aren’t capable of love and compassion. YOU, however have a right to surround yourself with all the love and compassion available to you. There’s tons of it here on DU.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m sorry your birthday was marred by someone who can’t celebrate you because you are deserving.

pnwmom

(109,562 posts)
24. They don't separate the categories of personality disorder out the way they used to.
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:13 PM
Mar 2023

They understand now that the symptoms of the various disorders overlap so much that there is little point to trying to sort them out into separate categories.

So someone could easily be diagnosed with features of borderline and narcissistic personality.

Evolve Dammit

(18,635 posts)
23. I am so sorry you had to deal with a lifetime of abuse. It cannot be minimized. It takes a toll that
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:12 PM
Mar 2023

is very difficult to deal with. You were a saint it sounds like, but the abuse you endured is INEXCUSABLE. I hope you find some solace in support groups and a new therapist now instead of 7 fucking months from now. Mental health care in US is currently flying by the seat of its pants. So much need and so few "providers." Go on-line to support groups for abusive relationships. It's free, anonymous and you can attend meetings all over the world. Pick a city or even country.
All the best and keep us posted, OK?

people

(697 posts)
25. You are an amazing person
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:16 PM
Mar 2023

Your strength and empathy are absolutely amazing. I hope you understand that you have every reason to feel so good about who you are and who you will be. Happy birthday debm55!

debm55

(36,159 posts)
36. I guess it worked differently for me. As I went to Penn State for 2 years and switched to teaching.
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:53 PM
Mar 2023

I wanted to be a source for kids who had a background like mine. Sometimes in my posts in the Lounge. I do try to be the person I really am. I want people to love themselves --just as I did for 40 some years in teaching.

pnwmom

(109,562 posts)
27. Having had a parent who was a narcissist, I understand the guilt they can inspire.
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:23 PM
Mar 2023

And I totally understand this: "I love her not from love but fear."

That isn't love. That is only fear disguised as love.

Here's how I HOPE you can get out from under that burden and cut your ties with her for the sake of your own health.

There are only two people you owe anything to at this point: yourself and your SON. For your son's sake, you need to relieve yourself of any guilt for the no-contact with your mother (and anyone else in that family who hurts you). You are doing exactly the right thing. And maybe you should extend the no contact to birthdays and holidays.

If you haven't already, let yourself feel the full force of your anger toward her, and your grief for the loving, stable mother you didn't have. The more you allow yourself to feel your own loss, the more you will be freeing yourself up to love your son.

I hope that your own finances are in good enough shape that you don't need to maintain a relationship with a toxic mother in order to receive an inheritance. I can understand why that could be a consideration, but I hope it doesn't have to be in your case.

All best wishes, debm55.





hunter

(38,936 posts)
30. I've broken free of this kind of craziness a few times in my life...
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:33 PM
Mar 2023

... once by jumping out of a moving car but it's rarely been an instant improvement.

My crazy grandma could say the meanest, most horrible things imaginable. It was almost like her superpower. Eventually she had to be removed from her home, a danger to herself and others. Half of her neighbors loved her, half were terrified of her. No "assisted living" place would keep her long so she'd end up living with my parents.

One year I was home from college for Thanksgiving when my grandma turned it on, mostly directed at my mom. I fled. That was followed by the worst weekend of my life. I was sharing a crappy student apartment with a bunch of other guys who'd gone home for the holiday so I was there alone. First the Jehovah's Witnesses came by looking to save lost souls. I have a history with them. My mom was a Jehovah's Witness (no birthday celebrations) until she got kicked out when I was in grade school.

Then some young woman my good Christian roommate knew from his church (and I knew as an acquaintance) came knocking at the door drunk and filthy having vomited all over herself and I led her to the bath. She was in there too long, wasn't answering, so I forced the door and it was immediately apparent she'd been trying to kill herself. She was the first naked woman I ever touched, to see if she was still alive. I'd had some first aid training. (My own girlfriend at the time eventually married her, but that's another story... If I was a catalyst for that it was a positive thing. These days you see Lesbian brides on Say Yes to the Dress, that wasn't the case then.)

While I was still sorting all that out in my head I got in a bad car wreck. Then I was "asked" to take a time out from school for fighting with a teaching assistant...

At my lowest point I was a crazy guy living in his car in a church parking lot and dumpster diving for food. The ultimate in breaking free, I suppose.

Currently I'm "between doctors." The wait times to get proper mental health care in the U.S.A. are disturbing and not something anyone should suffer in a presumably "first world" nation.

I'm not sure where I'm going here. If you receive a box of crazy on your doorstep, from the dark closets of your own mind or from someone else, you have to deal with it as best you can, or even refuse delivery, but you can't let it knife you in the heart.

I have no idea how to accomplish that. It's always messy, but I'm still here.










NNadir

(34,666 posts)
33. Ah, but you write such beautiful posts over in the Lounge, asking us lovely questions.
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:45 PM
Mar 2023

In my life and in my family I've seen two outcomes from this sort of thing.

One is to embrace the ugliness, and the other is to be sure to walk toward the places where the ugly things don't go.

My grandfather held a hot iron over my grandmother's face after mercilessly beating her, threatening to burn her face off.

My father found him, pulled him off, and kicked him down the stairs, telling him never to return, which he didn't. (Six months later my grandfather was dead.)

My father made sure to be all the things his father wasn't; he was a wonderful father, an outstanding husband to two wives, the first of whom, my mother, died in horrible suffering which he did everything in his power to address. I was in awe of him. (My 95 year old step mother still talks about how much she loved him, 30 years after his death.)

You have a husband; a son in need.

You clearly didn't embrace the ugliness. You went the other way.

Continue to be as beautiful as you are; put it away; it really isn't you; it's what you decided, wisely, not to be.

onecaliberal

(35,835 posts)
37. Happy belated Birthday. 🎉🎂
Thu Mar 2, 2023, 08:54 PM
Mar 2023

Hugs. I hope you do the thing that is best for you. None of her problems are your fault, or your responsibility.

virgdem

(2,206 posts)
39. I completely empathize with your situation.
Fri Mar 3, 2023, 02:50 AM
Mar 2023

I had a mother that was difficult to deal with my entire life. She was a smothering critic. I call her the unpleasable mother, as she made me feel that I was not measuring up to her standards, whatever they were. So I understand what you are going through.

There are two books that I have read that I think you could benefit from. They are not current, but both are still relevant in dealing with difficult people. The first is a book about difficult parents: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. She has also written other books dealing with difficult parents (Emotional Blackmail).

The second book is excellent and gave me alot of insight and clarity into the dynamic between mothers and daughters. That book is: When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends by Victoria Secunda.

You probably can find both on Amazon.com

I had the opportunity to get some professional help with an excellent MSW (Master in Social Work) who was very helpful in guiding me to work through my difficult relationship with my mother.

In reading your post, it appears to me that your mother is so emotionally damaged that there is no way to communicate with her. In my case, once I realized what the problems were, I minimized the amount of time that I spent with my mother. My mental health demanded that I distance myself from her in order to heal from the emotional damage she inflicted on me. You may want to consider this course of action with your mother to save your sanity.

Keep us posted on what you do and good luck.

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