Lifelong anxiety disorder. Long-winded. Sorry.

Last edited Fri May 19, 2023, 02:41 AM - Edit history (1)

I have had anxiety disorder, at least since I was 19. Thinking back, I used to have panic attacks at 13ish.

When I had my first terrible anxiety attack, I was 19. It was near Christmas, I was living with my parents. I came home from my friend's house (guitarist of a band I played bass with), and while there I had tea and fudge. After I got home, I felt funny and opened my sister's bedroom door and said, "My eyes are feeling weird. Something's wrong." She told me it was nothing, and to just relax and go to bed.

While I was lying in bed a HUGE pit of butterflies hit my stomach and I started sweating and my pulse was racing. I didn't sleep much.

The next day, my head was literally numb when I touched it, and I was filled with anxiety (I didn't know what it was though). I just felt weird. I walked out to where my big family was and said, "Mom, dad...I feel weird." I couldn't put it into words but tried. They said, you'll be fine, it's all in your head.

My life changed from that day on. Severe anxiety /panic attacks hour after hour. Sweating. My chest hurting because my heart was racing so much. My hands started shaking. I lost a ton of weight (I was already skinny, but the neighbors were telling my parents how unhealthy I looked and my mom would try to feed me more). I remember at dinner with my family, my hands would be shaking so much I couldn't bring a fork to my mouth—and everyone pretended not to notice.

I was over 18, and at that time, insurance companies dropped you from your parents' insurance after 18. I was going to a community college but was too scared to visit the nurse's office because I was afraid they would say "nothing was wrong."

The anxiety went on hour after hour, everyday (some better than others) for 3 years. I had a couple of jobs, but people always treated me like I was a freak because I was so nervous (they were somewhat forgiving because I was a young man), but the shaky hands was terrible and prevented me from doing simple things like shopping, banking, etc, because it involved handing money to a cashier, or signing my name on a check (which was terrible).

It didn't really improve until my friends introduced me to beer. That calmed my anxiety, but the shaky hands continued. I avoided ANY task or errand that involved me signing something, handing something to someone, etc.

In fact, I was the singer in a sloppy rock band while I lived in Hollywood, and I always went to check cashing places because they had thick windows and passed everything through the drawer so I could sign off to the side. Eventually, I went to a bank to get an account with a few hundred dollars. My hands were shaking so bad, that the account person looked at me and said, "We can't accept an account without a paycheck." That was a BofA on Vermont and Hollywood.

So I went my whole life avoiding eating out with co-workers and friends (unless I could have a couple of beers in me–and even then I would always order foods I could eat with two hands—like a sandwich), signing checks, exchanging cash, etc. There was even one time a pretty girl walked next to me at a bar (my band was playing at that night), and asked me for a cigarette light. I pushed a book of matches to her, and she gave me a dirty look because I didn't light her cigarette. If I'd had a couple of beers in me, it would have been fine holding up a match.

I have now finally found out that I lived my whole life with a pretty severe anxiety disorder. I didn't know what it was, but a psychologist finally told me this year. It's nowhere near as bad as it was when I was in my 20's, but I still avoid certain situations when I have to do something with my hands.

So, if you have a job like a cashier, bartender, banker, plumber or sitting with a co-worker at lunch...be sensitive if someone's hand is shaking while they lift a fork to their mouth, or hand you a credit car or cash. It doesn't mean they are a drug addict, are running from the law or doing something illegal…they could very well just have some sort of health problem.