I think that's also my issue.

And, I hold myself back from doing things because I'm having difficulty overcoming the blocks that I put in place. I'm 75--truly should be able to overcome some of these self imposed blocks by now but still struggling.

for the exact same reason. Like you, I hold myself back from overcoming the blocks I've put into place. But I finally blurted out to my hubby the other night that I thought my depression was due to the fact I'm bored to tears. My retirement has become nothing like I always thought it'd be, and that's depressing enough. Add to it the fact if I want to do anything, I have to come up with the idea and all the planning and all the steps that go into it because hubby, while happy to oblige, is perfectly fine sitting at home on his computer day after day, hour after hour. (sigh)

I don't know if it's because I'm female or what, but my biggest stumbling blocks is cleaning. For one thing, I can't think about doing anything "fun" until the house is cleaned -- or at least straightened up. Until then, all my thoughts revolve around what I *ought* to be doing instead of what I *could* be doing. And the older I get, with my disability, the harder it is to get the house clean or keep it that way. Hubby is a hoarder, especially of paper (especially when it come thru the mail). I don't dare just pick it all up and dump it into the trash because no doubt it'll contain a bill in there somewhere. But it's hard to keep the house "company ready" when you're dealing with something like that, not to mention 9 cats and a huge dog.

I've got one small room, that's really a passthru from one part of the house to the other part, and it's been a collection point for boxes, etc., that should either be thrown out or stored someplace. Unfortunately, that's the room where I was going to set up my candle making supplies. So, before I can do anything fun like make candles, I have to get that room cleaned up and out. At this point that's a major task. And depressing enough just thinking about taking that first step that it just doesn't get taken!

My problem started because I invested myself 100% into my job and career all my life. I really let it define me; not to mention I liked the camaraderie of most of my career of other curious people like me who got into computers in the early days. Now, the number of people in my circle has diminished as I was forced out of my job due to my disability, and my work (which I enjoyed the hell out of) is gone. I truly have not figured a way out of the morass, but I hate feeling every day like I'm just here, taking up space, waiting to die. Not how I envisioned my retirement, I can tell you that!

I do what a girl friend many years ago did. Her house was immaculate, so of course I had to ask her how she did it. She said she just took care of stuff when it came up, i.e., instead of waiting until cleaning day to clean up something or put something back, she just took care of it when it happened. I've been doing that for years, although not as religiously as she did.

Right now I'm going thru a huge project cleaning out old stuff and papers. So I decided I would tackle it for half an hour each day, as in set the timer on my phone for half an hour and then go do something else. It's the old question of how do you eat an elephant. One bite at a time.

I finally put the living room off limits to hubs. We keep a baby gate up to keep the dog from getting in there (since he ate 3 remote controls last time he was in the room!). But the carpet was really bad when we moved in, and we don't have the money to replace it. So, after being so ashamed of it these 2 years we've lived here, I'm now attempting to pull it up and trash it. Luckily, it looks like we've got decent hardwood floor underneath. But man, what a project!!!! I didn't think it'd be nearly this hard to do. Was I surprised!

I do exactly what you said in your reply to my bedroom. And it's always clean and presentable. The kitchen, too, for the most part. As long as I make it a habit of cleaning up as I'm cooking.

Our problem started when we moved from a 3800 sq ft house down to an 1800 sq ft house. There's just too much "stuff", even with everything I've already either thrown out or donated. And every other day it seems like I find there's something I'm missing that we left behind at one of our moves. If only we had a few thousand dollars I'd pump it into this house to make changes in room size, or whatever. But you end up with what you can afford at the time; never realizing that rehabbing a house is truly a young person's game.

Definitely been times I've been bored outta my mind ("hair tearing out" dull work), or not thinking of something new to do if regular pursuits were not making me engaged. Although that might of been bc of mild depression (a quite good while back, so idk).

Anyway - is there any kind of on line casual type teaching you could do in relationship to your former occupation(s). Or something regarding the history of what you were involved in?
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Do you have any nearby younger friends, or relatives to help you at least clean some stuff - esp Your Space which I think might perk you up a bit. Or some one you could hire short term?
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Never the best at cleaning (though I can do it), but a serious downsizing situation got rid of a lot of stuff. I have lots of art & craft creative pursuits so there's always going to be "stuff". 😄
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Does the candle making idea really appeal to you, or was the easiest route as far as those things go? I enjoy a pretty, and sometimes inventive candle, and there's so many ways of making them. Just want you to have the best go at it process. 👍
Or consider whatever else crafting might appeal to you.
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Hope things will pick up.
Good luck! 👍

and as most of us know - the self perpetuation and reinforcement cycle of depression, less energy, less activity, less engagement (more eating?) - and then, more depression. Breaking the cycle does lead to feeling better .. but often easier said than done.

Good luck to ya'.

what got me to stop talking to shrinks. They were using textbook techniques to treat depression, but apparently that wasn't my problem.

I wonder if you can in legal trouble for diagnosing yourself if you're not licensed to practice medicine.

When my mom retired from teaching many years ago she fell into a horrible depression. Was probably latent all along but suddenly not having a reason to get up in the morning pushed her over the edge. Took trials with many different medications to find something that worked for her (Wellbutrin).
I also tend to depression, way less serious than Mom’s was, have been taking Wellbutrin for years. I’m also recently retired but keep busy with community band, church activities and watching my granddaughter most days.

It seems whenever I find myself in some utter wasteland of a boring universe my mind will make something up, anything at all, to fill the void.

Last time that happened to me, not too long ago, I landed locked up for a few days in the psych ward. Not boring at all, though I don't really remember the first day. Those were some powerful drugs they gave me.

I remember a day more than forty years ago when I was body surfing a violent surf stark naked past midnight. Someone must have seen me and called the cops that there was a crazy guy trying to drown himself. That may or may have not been true.

The cop knew me from previous encounters and helped me find my clothes on the beach among the random piles of kelp and then drove me home.

Totally white male privilege. I was known by the cops as an amusing and mostly harmless diversion from their usually sordid graveyard shift duties.

Never bored or boring.

I headed directly to 'cured' after my attorney said my then-husband was 'a sociopath.' Having a rationale helped me HUGELY!