My only advice is to do what you know to be best for you and your husband. You are loved here on DU.
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

know that we, your DU family, are here for you. Someone is always here.

NOBODY has the RIGHT to abuse anyone, much less their own children. Your cousin is a clueless idiot.

There's the genetic component, but that's just one part. The social structure is created, and can be really good, or it can be horrible. Yours was somewhere out beyond horrible, and scarcely deserves to be called a family at all.

My idea is that you can't just do whatever the hell you want, any evil thing you want, and excuse it by saying "family".

You owe your cousin nothing

with your family, but for your own sake you really need to get away from them. They're toxic and you don't owe them anything. Family are people who love you and care for you and don't treat you like crap; having the same DNA doesn't make them family if they're hurting you. Cut them off. Walk away. Your life will improve more than you can imagine. And get some therapy to help that process.

from them is the abusive love. It hurts but it is what I am used to. I haven't talked to them since the funeral. She abused my father who was bedridden for 5 years horrible. I did not help as they have 30 cats and 2 dogs and the house smells like shit and there are flies all over. Ocelot II I see a counselor and Shrink and both told me to cut them off. It is at the point that husband is sick of it. Calling my adopted son a bastard, didn't get it through my head . My mother's birthday is on Tuesday. I sent and card and money. I feel unlovable. How can a mother have treated her child like me, but use them when needed. I can;t in my heart and head figure that out. I was the loving child. very smart. no trouble, but for some reason I was "it" and no doctor that I asked has given me an answer of why.

that your family are terrible people and they will never give you the love and support you want. It's not your fault and there's nothing wrong with you; it's their fault and there's a whole lot wrong with them. I'm sure your counselor has told you this, but you need to get used to not expecting something you will never get. You have a husband. He chose you for you. That means a million times more than trying to get affection from awful people who are unable to give it.

Your mother is a sick POS and what you deserved is so much better than that.

You are not the cause of her maltreatment and you deserve love. She is too warped to give it to you. Cut her off. She will use you for the rest of your life if you don't stop it.

She won't stop because she gets her screwed up jollies off continuing to abuse you. You have to stop what is happening by cutting them out of your life. Take control, save yourself!

and the target for parental sickness. Who can fathom what process takes place in the warped minds of the abusers, or why they settle on a particular victim? But no matter the reason, the resulting torment leaves the singled-out child scarred and suffering and wondering why.

My heart breaks for you, Deb. These family members are not worth it. Not worth giving up on your precious life.

Please pull away from them. If a quick break seems too difficult, do it gradually. Do it as a gift to yourself.

You have value and worth. You are lovable. One of the hardest things for victims to do is to love themselves, but it can be done.

I was at a low point around 10 years ago. And decided to write down things about myself that were worthwhile. I could only think of one thing - that some people thought I had a nice smile.

So I kept thinking about this. And added to the list every now and then. Over time, the list grew. My belief in myself grew. My depression started to lift. And the effects of this effort have stayed with me all these years.

Wishing you peace and joy in your future.
love, WB

My mom would always say 'that can't hurt you anymore, it's past', but I just don't know, because we remember, but we don't owe them getting upset again. We have to be better to ourselves.

What a horrible experience you had as a child. I grew up in an alcoholic home, but not a mean and cruel one. Call that hotline, there's plenty of time to die. It will come without any assistance. Maybe some good things can still happen. Deep, slow breathes. You are one with the whole, you are loved and you were meant to be here. Call the hotline. ❤️

Peace to you. So many here care about you.

so please talk this through with us.

Thank you for the smiles, please accept my sympathy for your tears.

and work toward finding peace. You matter.

Seems to me, if you openly respect your mother, it means you are approving or agreeing with her abusive actions that hurt you. I also have history of mistreatment from a mother; she wished I had never been born. That bad relationship probably makes my viewpoint of your situation a bit biased.

Big hugs to you!

than your blood relatives!!

I think a posse would be hunting your family if anything happened to you!

If you have toxic family cut your ties with them.

It doesn't have to be forever, but you might find it is so pleasant that you want to extend it into forever. It will save you so much grief to be free of their drama for awhile, or however awhile lasts.

They aren't worth your attention. Stay with people who love you, because I know there are lots of them in your real world and a whole lot more online!

You are worth so much more than these mean people. Block the numbers, erase them from your phone book, move if you have to, but stay away from the horrible things that are your past. You are worthy, you are loved, you have a right to be here, you are beautiful. Scrunch into the arms of your beloved and block all the sounds of the evil wind that is your past. Move on. Leave them all behind. Your family is here and now.

…you’ve been treated by so many members of your family, you owe them nothing, nothing at all.

The biological fact of your mother giving birth to you does not justify how she behaves towards you.

What you do owe is to yourself, and that is to take care of you.

As many have already said- you deserve to be treated better. You had the bad luck to be born into a dysfunctional and abusive family. Cut them out of your life and start this year fresh. Know that you are loved and we are here for you.

For Children Who Were Broken: A Poem Elia Wise ….. helped me cope or at least understand.

I hurt for you

. . . But it seems to me that at least part of the pain is being blindsided by your cousin. -----That old idea of no good deed goes unpunished.

There is little that you can do when somebody disappoints you. But you can see from all of the words of support, that it really wasn't you. It was the cousin who behaved poorly. You did a nice thing, and your cousin was judgmental and unsupportive.

I have to tell myself quite often don't let someone else being evil stop me (myself) from being good. Evil may be too loaded of a term. I certainly can't call your cousin evil. But I can and do recognize that this cousin was at best thoughtless and could be considered manipulative.

Mother called her peculiar, but she was a sexual abuser. I am stumped about my mother's birthday as it is tomorrow. I sent a card with 50 dollars in it. I don't want to talk to her, but shouldn't I tell her why I am cutting of communications? Her saying is "I shit you out, you didn't shit me out" So I will get no apology or I love you or thank you. It is my duty as her child to do as she says. To top it off, I am expected to care for her house and my two siblings when she passes. We have a lawyer to deal with that. I can;t pay taxes. food and utlities on two homes. Like most if not all things in my life, I am not asked but told that is how it will be. She has already told me if she finds out that something is wrong with her , she will take out herself and the siblings.

Is it possible to send a text? Could you just send her a text, :"happy birthday! Wishing you a good year!" Maybe?

We here at DU know that you are a good person. You don't have to justify yourself to us or to your mother.

I had a friend that used to say, "of course your parents can push your buttons! They installed those buttons to be pushed!" It's perfectly reasonable for you to protect your own sanity. That doesn't make you selfish. You're quite a prolific poster and that's how I know that you're a kind person. It comes across in the words you post.

pregnant and was told "see, your brother was right, you are a pimple faced whore" I miscarried the baby and left the house.

But don't feel you have to initiate or care take her.

IF you think she might kill herself and your siblings, there are anonymous ways to report that. Overheard when walking in the neighborhood, not certain if it's a real issue, but get it on the record.

My family wasn't as bad as yours, but they blamed me for speeding and getting tickets on my Dad's insurance right before I left home for collage. Gaslighting. Now to be honest, I did speed a time or two, just didn't get any tickets. And I did have a friend who "borrowed" our car and actually messed up the tranny by throwing it in reverse before she'd fully stopped. So I wasn't a saint, my friend could have done it. But I even went and got my driving record from the DMV when I went home after my first husband tried to kill me. It showed no speeding tickets going back 7 or 10 years, but covering the time period in question. They said I got my record expunged. AND they kept mentioning it. SO I told them I would not talk to them until they stopped accusing me unfairly of something I had not done.

AND I had friendsgiving etc... I spent my time with people who cared and in therapy and went to Al Anon (first husband was an alcoholic) and ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and just worked on myself.

They eventually caved, but they weren't abusive perse. I had to ask my Mom to actually tell me she loved me first sometimes. It was always "I love both you girls" if prompted and nothing otherwise. She asked me in return to ask before I hugged her. She grew up abused and got triggered by unannounced physical touch. So the last year or two of her life were the best for she and I relationship wise.

Take a break, be good to yourself. Hang out with people who will honestly tell you when you are doing good and when you need to make changes. I have a BFF of over 35 years and a husband she introduced me to that IS NOT like my EX. Not an alcoholic, not abusive. He's still a pain in the ass at times, but MEH.

You deserve joy which derives from inner peace. A lot of our horrible times of despair and sadness deepen the well that our joy eventually flows into. Once I was able to stand up and be assertive without being aggressive and fill up my own spiritual needs, my joy was bigger than most. Because it was more of a contrast; like a bright diamond against a dark black velvet background.

Little things that made me happy felt bigger because I had not let myself feel good before and found things that couldn't be taken away because they were not necessarily attached to "happenings" just JOY. Like sunrises and sunsets. Just taking a moment to appreciate any beauty in the world. My ability to see the good brings me joy.

Other people's opinion of you is actually none of your business. Their opinions say more about them than it does about you.

What matters is what YOU think about YOU.
My first affirmation was, "I AM ME. No apologies."
Accepting who I AM without having to brag or apologize to feel better or worse than another person is a weight off my shoulders.
I simply AM ME. It's the only person I can be and since I AM the only ME I guess I gotta stay busy being true to my own values.

Hope these thoughts help. You are in a hard space, but you already did the hardest part and opened up to others about the pain.
Now there is air around it to help you heal.


Good Job!



Tigress

I’m sending peaceful warm vibes and hugs.

the first time. YOU know what happened to you as a child. You don’t need your cousin to validate it. You are doing great on your own. Carry on and stick with your DU family who accepts you and loves you for who you are now. Be well.

Some interesting advice from a hospice nurse as I sat alone in the final hours with my sister as my mother and younger sister failed to show up at the bedside. I had worried for four years how I would handle being in the same room with those two at such an emotional time. An hour before my sister died I had to physically call them and say they needed to get a move on. They told me they were in line at a restaurant, hungry and needed to eat!! I hang up and as I did my ill sister’s breathing changed for the worse. I sat beside her repeating ‘ I don’t know what to do. Do I call them back. I don’t know.’ The nurse who had heard my end of the conversation and had access to the notes revealing that those two had been MIA FOR 19 hours came over to me and said,’Hope there is one thing you need to know. No matter what you do, it will be the wrong thing!’ I have lived by these words for the last nine years. Honor yourself. Keep boundaries that protect you. We can’t change these people or what they think of us! We can’t control what they say about us to others. Live your life. You deserve a peaceful existence. Love and peace to you. 💗💗💐🙏🏼

I love your polling questions. They are quirky, clever, engaging and cover many topics. Reading everyone’s responses is a delight. I am sorry for your pain. Healing can be hell. We are walking hand-in-hand with you on this journey.

That respect your parents thing is a control device supported by the Christian rule book but has no basis in any fact.

You can’t love and care for anyone if you don’t love and care for yourself.

Don’t call it cutting anyone out. Call it your sabbatical and you may return when conditions in your own self improve.

Edit: It took a good year for me not to fret about lost family. Here in Costa Rica, I have formed my own family.

Also, I’m sure your husband suffers to see you suffer.

Take a sabbatical where no action has to be forever. ♥️

Fuck them assholes!

Do not respond to anything they say or do. Go 'no contact' and stick to it. You do not need to feel despondent over their antics. You are in the right. You are the victim here. They are the ones who should be crawling to your feet to apologize. Never forget it.

We care about you dearest deb. I care. I am less than no one, but there it is.

I hear you. I'm going through Hell and at this point, don't really give a shit if I have Hep C. I have a therapist, but not a lot of ppl to talk to. I feel I'm posting in here, TMI, too much.

I'm sorry . I almost feel like its not worth going on.

SO. I am financially reliant on him tp live. I can't go on sometimes