Neuropathy, arthritis, a back injury... each or all mess with me each day.

I hope you’ll call 988 if you’re contemplating suicide. I guarantee it helps to talk with someone.

Sorry, but I have tried them many times in the past and they are not concerned with me unless I am about to pull the trigger so they can call the cops. Otherwise, they just spit out some platitudes and end the call in two minutes. Others may have had a good experience with those things, but I have not.

We’re here for you.

I’ve had people gang up and try to intentionally get me to consider suicide for being gay and reporting being brutally attacked by a right wing pedophile who didn’t want to be Me-Too’ed, that was during my disability application which I finally decided to do after years of surgeries and I experienced years of painful recovery afterwards with an anti-gay family who decided to become antagonistic after I came forward, and I’m still hanging on because there’s better life to be had. We’re here for you even if others around you aren’t

They also have no time for me. They agree that I am disabled, but will not do anything about it because my husband has a part time job. I guess I have to be literally homeless on the street with rags on my back before they will lift a finger and that is too late. There is no help so there is no hope. Why bother? (A question I ask every single day.)

SSI is the income based program. SSDI for spouses draws off of retirement, so if he works a certain number of hours then yeah you might not qualify until full retirement. There isn’t an easy answer for that since the laws restrict what they calculate as far as allowing spousal support, which shouldn’t be the case if you can’t get SSI either, I would like to see a percentage reduction at most if anything if the spouse is working

that you are worth it, because you are. Please keep talking to us and don't give up.

But, typing into a machine does little for what is going on. I sit here alone. I have tried and tried to meet people, to connect with someone up here. After seven years, I can tell you it has not and will not happen. I cannot move away, regardless of how much I want to. This state is the reason I am alive now. But, this system is set up to get people back into the wage slave market. Those of us who do not make someone rich, or are not rich ourselves and playing that game are all but ignored. It is the system this country wants. Why should I suffer more just because the powers that be feel I am not worth their time?

I see that nearly 300 DU'er's have already sat down with you.

I think 2024 is going to be better for everyone, including you.

I had to go thru mandatory suicide prevention classes every year. The one thing that really registered with me is that if you start planning how you are going to do it, you’re getting very close to actually taking the action. For myself I’ve been down lots of times and have the feeling what the use, I wish I was just dead. But I’ve never really started planning how I’d do it. If you’re at that point you really ought to get some help.

I mean real help, not that tepid response from any county health facility. They have no issue tossing all kinds of pills down my throat but I cannot see anyone or get actual help from anyone. I am done being a test dummy for their medications while they keep giving them to me in the hope that I will go away.

I am just done. Done with it all. Done with failure, done with suffering, done with depression and anxiety... Just done with it all. I am not Superman, and I never said I was. Why some people think I am is yet another point of confusion to me. Just as those who feel I should consider remaining. To what end? To suffer more? Why in the world would I want to do that anymore? I have done enough of that already.

Lots of suicide prevention focuses on how it will affect others. By the time someone has reached this stage I’d say they don’t need my further guilt shoveled on. I’d just say that you try to identify if this is really how you feel and how you’ve felt for a long time and have not had times in the past you were so low but managed to bounce back out of it. I think it’s part of the existential philosophy though that’s just a guess since I’ve never researched it.

But I hope you stick around at least long enough to celebrate the end of Mango Mussolini with us.

but there decent souls out there...thank God they exist

I can only do a fraction of what I used to be able to do. It has been difficult to accept, but like you I don't have a choice. I have given up my past life and learned to become who I am now. It is such a yo yo existence. The holidays were difficult for me this year. I am so glad they are done.

I have found this section of du to be helpful. Seems to have many who have an understanding of the pain and frustrations of just existing. To get up is sometimes a challenge both physically and mentally.

I know I read your posts with concern and hope that you can find what gets you through another day. And you inspire me as someone else who has to approach life from a different angle. As someone who would have an inkling of what my challenges are. So I hope you hang in there. one day at a time and all that.

Gentle hugs to you.

Please let me be clear. I found my purpose. However that purpose does not jibe with the greed and self absorbed-ness that is modern America. My purpose does not feed or clothe me in this society. My purpose... that thing that gives me meaning... is belittled and insulted in some circles. I have my purpose. It just won't let me survive in this society. Why bother when this is how society feels about me and my efforts? I used to stand defiantly. Well, being defiant takes a lot of energy and I am too old for that anymore. Better to remove myself before I have to suffer more than I have already. There is no reason to suffer when there is no reason to get through it. I am not wanted, except for my failing arms and legs because they always need wage slaves. I cannot do that anymore either. There is nothing left. According to what I see now, everything I ever did was a waste of time and meaningless. Well, it had meaning to me. That in itself should account for something. It does not. If my entire life's work is to be seen as worthless, then I am being seen as worthless. I cannot survive without help. No one wants to do that because their ROI would be nil. These days, no one invests in any way without being assured of a 1000% return. That is an insane prospect when one is referring to human beings. We don't care, though. This country will go on in whatever form it decides to go with. No one's life will be adversely affected by my passing. No country will collapse. No industry will suffer the loss of an innovator. Nothing will change. That is the legacy that I leave behind.

Nothing.

but please stay with us and continue to share your thoughts. Hopefully better days are ahead!

We'll miss you terribly! I don't understand about the SSDI! If you're disabled, I thought it was based on your 40 quarters of earnings? What does your spouse working have to do? I read you'd gotten a lawyer who didn't help you.

I wish I could help more

At first, it was the market. Then, it was my health. I tried. I really tried. NO one cares about those who try. As the wise Yoda once said, "NO! Try not! Do! Or, do not! There is no 'try'." Well, try is all I have. I have a library of music of my own creation. Useless. Pointless. I have a library of some of my work over the years in various media. Useless. Pointless. Forty-five years for nothing. It is what I wanted in life. Why stick around when your life's work is nothing but a failure to keep yourself and your spouse alive? Why continue to breathe when what you poured your soul into means nothing to anyone else? Remember... 'entertainer'. If no one is entertained... well, that's that. For other performers out there, they know. Once the bug bites, it does not let go. It does not compromise, even if you manage to. Plus, there is a major conundrum in my situation. You should see some of my old reviews. How can anyone who managed to always to be well received, even when the rest of the production was canned, never get a break? If I was as good as they said I was, and if the tales of the 'Dream' were true. Either this nation lied to me about the American Dream and my chances or I am fucking cursed. Either way, it spells a waste of skin and a waste of time. Why bother?

Again, I am sorry. This is actually as pointless as my life is, as there is nothing to be gained by trying to destroy anyone else's perceptions. For those of you who managed to steer through this hellscape of a country and a period in time, congratulations. Just remember those of us to were in the race as well but either got run over by the masses or just were not built to race. We prefer to stroll. Which is why we got run over in the first place. Because racing is the only option we have anymore.

Probably a lot more than you realize.

Logically, I know he would be better off in every way, but I also know he would probably go through a lot. But, why should I 'go through a lot' every day just to save his feelings? I find that kind of hypocritical. I am also a coward when it comes to taking control of one's life, as evidenced by my continued existence in this life. So, I will remain... broken, bitter, and waiting for reality to finally do the right thing. He deserves better. I don't have anything better to give him. In fact, I have nothing.

It sounds like you care for him and would miss him too. I hope you can talk to him candidly like you did here, if you haven't already. Hug each other now while you still can.

That I will not do. He knows I am disgusted with my life. He is already getting grey. He is dealing with issues of his own that I try to help him with, but he won't talk about them. I just want equality. The fact that the only thing keeping me from getting proper help is a little green piece of paper is just disgusting. How is anyone supposed to have any faith in anything when that situation exists? I am less important than a small, green paper with some ink on it. How wonderful.

and didn't leave you a note or mention he was considering it? That's what I'm getting at.

You are worth more to him than any amount of money.

I cannot survive without him.

What my worth to him or his worth to me might be is irrelevant unless I can magically create the means to shelter, clothe, and feed us. Because it is just his part-time pay at the moment. Now, we are in a good housing situation at the moment, but we have now learned that our shelter is at stake, in the next six months or so. (The owner is getting married and wants the entire townhouse for them.) After the pandemic started my hubby, who had been working for this company for 15 years, was let go after they canned the entire division. (3000+/- out of work in email. We had been in lockdown for one month. Yay unfettered capitalism and its honored practices!) I celebrated 5 years of not being able to find help or work after moving to this state. Thanks to all this, we are in no condition to be trying to find a place to live, especially with my constant health issues. My hubby is also having some issues, but in the dictionary by the definition of 'taciturn' is his picture, so he won't tell me anything.

volunteered to help at any local places? Call your City Hall to ask what volunteer services are looking for help. Then go and do. Meet people. You will be a ‘somebody’ in your community. You have worth.

I know how this is going to come across, but here we go. I am the person who would always stop and run to offer aid at an accident. I have done so many benefit concerts and the like that I should have my own non-profit by now. One year I played three times as many free shows as I did paying ones. I am the person who walks by and sees you doing some chore and needing some assistance, so I come right over and help. That was me for pretty much my entire teen and adult life.

It is time for some 'volunteering' to come to me for a fucking change. Again, I know how this looks. I no longer care. Giving is something I have done for a long time. 'Receiving' is what I am waiting for. I never did any of this with the thought of getting anything in return, but I was told that 'Doing good is to be doing well'. Well, that one was yet another lie I was told. Just one of many, though. Just one of many.

I wish I had some concrete proposals I knew for certain would provide immediate help, but like others on this thread I'm afraid I can't make that claim.

I see in your DU profile that you're listed as being in Minnesota. I went to the National Empowerment Center website and searched for peer run support services in your state, and this is what I found:

https://mnwitw.org/

Just throwing this against the wall here, but if nothing else, perhaps someone there might be able to offer meaningful advice on SSDI appeals and such. This is assuming you haven't tried them already.

And here's the site for the NEP, who I think are good people. They're New England based but they have contacts across the country and they also might be able to offer some advice on SSDI and other things as well.

https://power2u.org/

These other groups, though also not in your area, might be helpful in providing support or in steering you in helpful directions. Perhaps you already know about these places, but if not:
 
https://wildfloweralliance.org/

https://mentalhealthmn.org/what-we-do/peer-support-programs/

I myself am survivor of suicide. Many years ago I took a drug overdose, which put me in a coma for a week, in intensive care for a while afterwards, and in various psych wards after that. I did truly want to die, and was saved by a pretty much fortuitous accident. I say all this just to let you know I can empathize at least to some extent with what you're going through, but of course I don't want to minimize your pain or the devastating circumstances in which you find yourself. It always bothered me when people offered platitudes or even worse, talked about how other people were enduring "so much worse." Like I was supposed to be cheered up at the prospect of other people's suffering!

And like you I didn't think anyone would care if I lived or died, but during my recovery I found this wasn't the case. I suspect your husband, as other have said, would be crushed by your death. There were people in my life who were truly shocked, and enormously saddened and even traumatized by what I'd tried to do, which is why I never tried again.

Afterwards what helped with the depression was talking to other people who had been in similar situations. I also had access to some very fine counselors, but this only happened when I was able to finagle some decent health insurance, which I know isn't happening for you. Another source of support, indeed a real life-line, was talking to people at my local rape crisis center. I won't presume to ask if this might apply to you, but if it does you might consider giving your nearest RCC a call. BTW--I agree, my interactions with other "suicide hotlines"--at least those not run by survivors themselves, were a pathetic joke.

I wish I could offer more, and hope you're able to find a way out of your circumstances. I can say that, had I died when I made my attempt, obviously I would have missed out on all the rest of my life. It hasn't all been roses, but on balance I'm glad I was able to pull through. Not knowing you personally I can't make any claims as to what the future might or might not hold for you, but there were definite times I had just to take it on faith that my life was indeed worth living. As I once told another depressed friend considering "the option," death is forever, and it's inevitable. Whatever you do, one way or another, you'll be dead for billions of years, so why rush it? Why not stick around, awful as it is, for the nano-seconds we all have left, just to see if it can't get better?

Not the most uplifting message, I know, but under the circumstances it was the best I could do. Just another reason I never became a counselor myself!

Anyway, I do hope things go better for you, and please let us know if you're able to get some help with this. It might be a source of strength to someone else who might need it further down the line.

Best wishes, and I'll be thinking of you.

Thucy

If you live close by, I'll show you my collection of belly button lint. That will cheer you up!
Sending lotsa love 💕!

He was 30 years old, and had been seriously depressed but I didn't know about it.

Clearly, your issues and problems are very different from his, but I have to tell you this: I will never get over his death. Perhaps your parents are long gone, so that doesn't matter to you. But you have a husband, friends, perhaps other relatives. They would be devastated.

However, if you decide to do it in the end, please, please, please do leave a note behind. My son did, and it was an enormous help. Plus, he made me laugh out loud in the middle of it, which is wonderful.