Mental Health Support
Related: About this forumhave u ever convinced someone to get help?
or has anyone ever convinced u?
heres the sitch. im in love a a man who is absolutely a borderline. he knows hes crazy. hes mused out loud several times that many ppl think that, but he doesnt, maybe, sorta. he loves me in that borderline way. said the words. he thinks he rly knows himself, but completely blames his freakouts on others.
ive known him for 4 yrs now. he was my weed guy. we had a warm friendship, w hugs and endearments from day 1. we almost got together 2 yrs ago, and it exploded on take off. i didnt take it well. turned myself inside out trying to get through to him. didnt speak for over a yr. he unfriended me on fb, but we have a lot of mutuals. a few mos ago, he reacted to a couple posts, so i reached out. we chatted a little.
then nye he texted me. i had posted that i wanted to reconnect w old friends for ny. he didnt react to that, but msgd me that he needed to move some weed and wd give me a great deal. i wouldve taken as it as just trying to get a good customer back, but yeah nye. several texts over the course of the evening. i said yes, then it took him 2 days to show up. we had a lovely evening. talked, listened to music, even sang a little.
i knew he was gonna make a pass. i was determined not to catch the 1st pass. when he got up to leave, he kissed me goodbye. then turned into an octopus. lol.
i told him next time i wd say yes, but i srsly wanted him to think it over. he said he had.
then, for the next 5 days, we kicked around when. it was always something. we talked on the phone for an hour and a half on saturday. sunday morning i sent him a sexy text and the shit hit the fan. im pushing him. no honey, im just tryin to pull u.
im not sure y it is that when we actually talk its 1 thing, but texts get twisted into threats to his person and sanity. tried to get him to just pick up the phone. he blocked me on fb, and blocked my number.
its not me. hes pulled this same shit w other women i know. it honestly hurts my heart. hes as thirsty for love as anyone ive ever known. yet he does this to himself and can.not.see.it.
he had a traumatic life. dad was a drunk, etc, etc. been to jail. did too many drugs. i accept all that. im not the sanest person on the planet. i can b hard to take.
hes a musician and he has a regular gig in the hood. i know its no use tracking him down and talking to him. hell prolly threaten to call the cops, tho he wont. hell lose his shit.
but if i thought it cd shine a teeny tiny light for him, maybe it starts something.
whether we ever get together is irrelevant. i love him as a friend. i want him to find love. its probably not me anyway. hes much younger. but i feel like i have to at least try to throw him a rope.
so im just wondering if anyone here has been through this and come out on the other side. cuz id kill for a clue here.
and yes, i know this is all bad for my sanity. but if im anything, im a rescuer. ive have given exactly zero grounds to distrust me, but i dont think he has the gear for trust.
i also know that its notoriously hard to treat borderlines, so telling him get help is just useless to the point of cruel. hes a powder keg. but id take the blast if it cleared the smoke for him.
yes, i am crazy too.
ColinC
(10,683 posts)If they refuse couples therapy despite any issues that may be going on due to their condition, that might be a red flag.
mopinko
(71,813 posts)i honestly cant imagine being a couple w this guy in an real way. much as id like to do him. lol.
talk therapy for borderlines is practically useless. and theres no way hed sit on a couch w me. or anyone, probably.
multigraincracker
(34,077 posts)Bi-polar folks can be in the manic phase. Then it flips and everyone pays.
mopinko
(71,813 posts)and i suspect my ex is at least a little. both of them r charming af.
justaprogressive
(2,451 posts)It's genuinely kind of you to want to help this guy...but this is a losing proposition.
I'm sorry if you have fallen in love with him.
You can't commit him (to care), and he doesn't love you, so you have no power over him...
Find a whole man..not this guy.
HTH
mopinko
(71,813 posts)i divorced a rich guy after 30 yrs of the weak version of this.
but im a rescuer, and this is what we do.
mopinko
(71,813 posts)he loves me as much as he can love anyone. realize that is- not much, and in a twisted way.
im not his dream. hell always have his eye out for the one. maybe im a momma figure. i cd totally love him in that way. love him up, send him off to find his dream.
trust me, i am looking for a whole man, but at my age, they r scarce.
ShazzieB
(18,670 posts)Yes, that's a cliché, but that's only because it's so doggoned true. Another way to put it that I think is applicable to this situation: you can throw a drowning person a life preserver, but you can't convince them to reach out and grab it.
I understand the urge to rescue all too well, but some people just. Will. Not. Allow. Themselves. To. Be. Rescued. No matter how desperately you want to rescue someone, it may simply not be in your power.
If this guy does have borderline personality disorder (and it sure sounds likely), I'm afraid the chances of your being able to convince him to get help are vanishingly small. I really wish I had some brilliant advice on how to get this guy to understand what he needs to do, but I just don't. I am so sorry.
mopinko
(71,813 posts)and yeah, this post was a hail mary. it doesnt help that a lot of shrinks wont even take a bpd.
ShazzieB
(18,670 posts)I learned the hard way, due to dealing with relatives with severe mental illness of various kinds. Accepting that I couldn't help them was the hardest thing ever, but once I got to a certain level of acceptance, I felt a huge sense of relief. Knowing you can't help someone you care about sucks, but realizing that means you're not a terrible person if you don't keep trying = a burden lifted!
I didn't know that a lot of shrinks won't even see patients with bpd, but I have to at least give them credit for being honest about their limitations, rather than taking money from people they don't feel able to help.
mopinko
(71,813 posts)a bipolar who wont accept any kind of help, and a bpd daughter. middle kid. made family life fun. not.
i do know when to walk away.