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mopinko

(71,813 posts)
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 07:56 AM Jan 2024

have u ever convinced someone to get help?

or has anyone ever convinced u?
here’s the sitch. i’m in love a a man who is absolutely a borderline. he knows he’s ‘crazy’. he’s mused out loud several times that many ppl think that, but he doesnt, maybe, sorta. he loves me in that borderline way. said the words. he thinks he rly knows himself, but completely blames his freakouts on others.

i’ve known him for 4 yrs now. he was my weed guy. we had a warm friendship, w hugs and endearments from day 1. we almost got together 2 yrs ago, and it exploded on take off. i didnt take it well. turned myself inside out trying to get through to him. didnt speak for over a yr. he unfriended me on fb, but we have a lot of mutuals. a few mos ago, he reacted to a couple posts, so i reached out. we chatted a little.

then nye he texted me. i had posted that i wanted to reconnect w old friends for ny. he didnt react to that, but msgd me that he needed to move some weed and wd give me a great deal. i would’ve taken as it as just trying to get a good customer back, but yeah nye. several texts over the course of the evening. i said yes, then it took him 2 days to show up. we had a lovely evening. talked, listened to music, even sang a little.
i knew he was gonna make a pass. i was determined not to catch the 1st pass. when he got up to leave, he kissed me ‘goodbye’. then turned into an octopus. lol.
i told him next time i wd say yes, but i srsly wanted him to think it over. he said he had.

then, for the next 5 days, we kicked around when. it was always something. we talked on the phone for an hour and a half on saturday. sunday morning i sent him a sexy text and the shit hit the fan. i’m ‘pushing’ him. no honey, i’m just tryin to pull u.
i’m not sure y it is that when we actually talk it’s 1 thing, but texts get twisted into threats to his person and sanity. tried to get him to just pick up the phone. he blocked me on fb, and blocked my number.

it’s not me. he’s pulled this same shit w other women i know. it honestly hurts my heart. he’s as thirsty for love as anyone i’ve ever known. yet he does this to himself and can.not.see.it.
he had a traumatic life. dad was a drunk, etc, etc. been to jail. did too many drugs. i accept all that. i’m not the sanest person on the planet. i can b hard to take.

he’s a musician and he has a regular gig in the hood. i know it’s no use tracking him down and talking to him. he’ll prolly threaten to call the cops, tho he wont. he’ll lose his shit.
but if i thought it cd shine a teeny tiny light for him, maybe it starts something.
whether we ever get together is irrelevant. i love him as a friend. i want him to find love. it’s probably not me anyway. he’s much younger. but i feel like i have to at least try to throw him a rope.

so i’m just wondering if anyone here has been through this and come out on the other side. cuz i’d kill for a clue here.
and yes, i know this is all bad for my sanity. but if i’m anything, i’m a rescuer. i’ve have given exactly zero grounds to distrust me, but i dont think he has the gear for trust.
i also know that it’s notoriously hard to treat borderlines, so telling him ‘get help’ is just useless to the point of cruel. he’s a powder keg. but i’d take the blast if it cleared the smoke for him.
yes, i am ‘crazy’ too.

11 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
have u ever convinced someone to get help? (Original Post) mopinko Jan 2024 OP
Start with couples therapy. That can sometimes be a gateway drug into individual therapy, etc ColinC Jan 2024 #1
oh there's nuthin but red flags here. mopinko Jan 2024 #2
Amazing how charismatic multigraincracker Jan 2024 #3
i have a kid who is bpd. mopinko Jan 2024 #4
Run run run far far away.! justaprogressive Jan 2024 #5
oh yeah. friends only. mopinko Jan 2024 #6
also, tho. mopinko Jan 2024 #9
You can lead a horse to water, but... (you know the rest) ShazzieB Jan 2024 #7
it's the hardest thing in the whole field. mopinko Jan 2024 #8
It's hard all right! ShazzieB Jan 2024 #10
i have 2 mentally ill kids. mopinko Jan 2024 #11

ColinC

(10,683 posts)
1. Start with couples therapy. That can sometimes be a gateway drug into individual therapy, etc
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 08:18 AM
Jan 2024

If they refuse couples therapy despite any issues that may be going on due to their condition, that might be a red flag.

mopinko

(71,813 posts)
2. oh there's nuthin but red flags here.
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 08:21 AM
Jan 2024

i honestly cant imagine being a couple w this guy in an real way. much as i’d like to do him. lol.
talk therapy for borderlines is practically useless. and there’s no way he’d sit on a couch w me. or anyone, probably.

justaprogressive

(2,451 posts)
5. Run run run far far away.!
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 10:06 AM
Jan 2024

It's genuinely kind of you to want to help this guy...but this is a losing proposition.

I'm sorry if you have fallen in love with him.

You can't commit him (to care), and he doesn't love you, so you have no power over him...

Find a whole man..not this guy.

HTH

mopinko

(71,813 posts)
6. oh yeah. friends only.
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 10:29 AM
Jan 2024

i divorced a rich guy after 30 yrs of the weak version of this.
but i’m a rescuer, and this is what we do.

mopinko

(71,813 posts)
9. also, tho.
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 05:14 PM
Jan 2024

he loves me as much as he can love anyone. realize that is- not much, and in a twisted way.
i’m not his dream. he’ll always have his eye out for ‘the one’. maybe i’m a momma figure. i cd totally love him in that way. love him up, send him off to find his dream.

trust me, i am looking for a whole man, but at my age, they r scarce.

ShazzieB

(18,670 posts)
7. You can lead a horse to water, but... (you know the rest)
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 04:56 PM
Jan 2024

Yes, that's a cliché, but that's only because it's so doggoned true. Another way to put it that I think is applicable to this situation: you can throw a drowning person a life preserver, but you can't convince them to reach out and grab it.

I understand the urge to rescue all too well, but some people just. Will. Not. Allow. Themselves. To. Be. Rescued. No matter how desperately you want to rescue someone, it may simply not be in your power.

If this guy does have borderline personality disorder (and it sure sounds likely), I'm afraid the chances of your being able to convince him to get help are vanishingly small. I really wish I had some brilliant advice on how to get this guy to understand what he needs to do, but I just don't. I am so sorry.

mopinko

(71,813 posts)
8. it's the hardest thing in the whole field.
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 05:10 PM
Jan 2024

and yeah, this post was a hail mary. it doesnt help that a lot of shrinks wont even take a bpd.

ShazzieB

(18,670 posts)
10. It's hard all right!
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 06:42 PM
Jan 2024

I learned the hard way, due to dealing with relatives with severe mental illness of various kinds. Accepting that I couldn't help them was the hardest thing ever, but once I got to a certain level of acceptance, I felt a huge sense of relief. Knowing you can't help someone you care about sucks, but realizing that means you're not a terrible person if you don't keep trying = a burden lifted!

I didn't know that a lot of shrinks won't even see patients with bpd, but I have to at least give them credit for being honest about their limitations, rather than taking money from people they don't feel able to help.

mopinko

(71,813 posts)
11. i have 2 mentally ill kids.
Tue Jan 9, 2024, 09:01 PM
Jan 2024

a bipolar who wont accept any kind of help, and a bpd daughter. middle kid. made family life fun. not.
i do know when to walk away.

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