This sounds a lot like what I went through in 2007 after closing my business. I signed up for a clinical trial on two different antidepressants, comparing the effectiveness of each. It did wonders for me.

If you have a doctor you can see cheaply, or a local clinic, talk to them about Citalopram. It's a common antidepressant and is on the Walmart, Target, and most other stores' discount prescription lists. My prescription costs me $10.00 for a 90-day supply.

I'll echo what the first poster said and say that you should try to get some kind of help. I know it's tough when you don't have anything extra to begin with. You may be able to qualify for free or low cost psychological care. I know that where I live they have a clinic that charges on a sliding scale based on your ability to pay. A lot of people end up getting free services. And, as Pab said, there are cheap drugs available to treat depression.

But something has to change in your life, I think, as well as getting mental health care.

I turn 40 next month and I'm a trucker and have been for the last 16 years. I'm recently married and my wife and I were starting to get into a situation like your own after I had to make some serious career moves in order to be a family man. Last spring I came to the conclusion that something had to be done and I returned to college part time. I had a couple of years of credit from when I was younger.

Now we're getting by okay thanks to some extra money brought in from school loans. It's a short term fix, and it will only work if I graduate, but I'm betting that I'll be able to find a much better paying job when I do graduate.

I find that I have to get my body moving to get my brain to work properly.

Take some time to simply indulge your body's desire to move.

i agree with the others. even if it is situational, some meds might help. if you can get even 3 months therapy and an ad that works for you, life will be better.
you might need change, but you might also need more acceptance. there is always a tension between the 2. letting go is one good way to bring change, whether you let go of a thing, or just let go how you feel about that thing.

anyway, i echo the others. check your county, and also see if the is a chapter of nami. they can help you with locating resources.

take care of yourself. really.

Just saying it 'out loud' helped some. I have always been the family cheerleader and I have been running seriously low on cheer lately. Just being able to admit that things are tough helps. I am always trying to make everybody 'not notice' how tight we are. Its a relief to be able to say, for once, "this just sucks".

I think I will look into some meds. I need to check and see what can be done inexpensively. Actually, we are at the point that I probably need to check into Medicaid.

There is part of my brain that recognizes that I have an amazing life with a good husband and two great kids and that these are just the times which try men's souls. And I WILL be OK and it will get better. But I am having a hard time FEELING that. I keep telling myself that stuff, but where I used to be able to pick myself up and get going again...just not so much any more.

I agree, right off, with the others who suggest looking into some professional help to provide a reliable guide and cushion of support.

I'd also suggest trying to take whatever is facing you in the way of bills and such as piecemeal as you're able. Sometimes piling it all up in one cart can overwhelm you with more anxiety and worry than is probably necessary.

Although it's certainly not okay to have thoughts of 'doing away' with yourself, those thoughts and feelings are certainly a wake-up call for you to take more time addressing your mental state; and, don't be afraid or embarrassed to reach out for help -- just as you've done so eloquently here, renie.

Best of luck and keep posting!

Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of that in other people over the last two weeks. And it's rough. Because external forces, stresses bring it on, but only you can really do something about it, with the aid of proper medical care. And, due to the state of our social safety net, that is hard to come by if you can't afford to pay for it, or the insurance that buys it, by yourself.

The good news, several major anti-depressant drugs are available as dirt-cheap generics. If you can find someone who can diagnose and treat you, write prescriptions, without costing you an arm and a leg, and if you can find low cost counseling/therapy sessions, it would go a long way to making you feel better. But it still won't take away the underlying problems, those will require different approaches.

Best of luck to you, and please keep posting here if it helps you.