is a great question.

I've never done group therapy so I've really got no experience at commenting about the problems others face.

I know from my experience that invalidation, even hints of invalidation that come from corrective suggestions from the SO, can be very distressing. I really don't want to do that to anyone.

After some thought, I came to this, which I think is mostly true...It's important for a person seeking support to be validated in their feelings. Whether we are in distress, joyful, or confused--we feel what we feel. There's really nothing to discuss other than acknowledging that the feelings were communicated and understood.

When I first got the borderline dx, I was relieved it wasn't anti-social behavior or schizophrenia (which runs on my mom's side of the family).

At that time I knew nothing about borderline, I'd never heard of it. All I knew were my own symptoms which include episodes of ferocious anger and tremendous anxiety about being abandoned (although actual abandonment isn't really a theme of my life). So I went to Google and made a search on it. The first thing that popped up was a book for non-borderlines, about the dangers of falling in love with a borderline!

That really shook me. My GOD! I thought...People are actually encouraging intimates of borderlines (like me) to runaway from that borderline and not look back! That slammed one of my worst fears! All I could think was that the SO is going to find that book...Then oh what a DISASTER!!!!

So, I know that, at least for borderlines like me, the support for non-dx caregivers/intimates can accidentally generate distress in the dx.

I don't want to do that, I don't want to do that to either the lurking dx or non-dx.

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I could sit and do nothing about this, yet, over the last couple of years I've sat and looked at posts in this group and sensed that someone who needed support had their thread sitting with no replies. But I was afraid of screwing up and making that person feel worse. Maybe we all should expect to screw up, maybe acknowledging feelings is a start, better than being ignored...I dunno...
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So. This being supportive thing is something I want to understand...and I know I don't know how to do it, at least I don't yet.

I have an inkling that something like the following is also true, but I don't seem to be able to get my head around it to figure out how to do it ...

To be very good at the supportive thing requires awareness of potential feelings on the 2 or more facets of these issues that we can imagine. And I think that maybe somewhere in the midst of the narrative that's posted by a person seeking support is a truism that I can find if I'm perceptive enough. And if I can 'get it' correctly, although that truism may be narrow and not validate everything a person writes, it will still be powerful because it is a truism for the person needing support and those who lurk as well.

Still a work in progress...

I know that my disease, and therefor myself, are often invalidated by my SO. He simply does not understand. Although he is now trying since our daughter has so many problems.

I find that is hard for me to be supportive of others when I am in the midst of a cycle, or am dealing with my daughter who is cycling. I do not mean to be insensitive, but at the point I cannot think of anyone else. I really hope that this does not come across in this group. I do not want to alienate anyone due to my, usually temporary, lack of sympathy.

I think what is important is to realize that it is inevitable that we will do things at some point that hurts others, but that what is important is how we deal with afterwards.

And they all deserve validation.

It's hard to go through life without hurting someone. I've probably hurt some people very badly in my time. I know I have. There might be someone in therapy right now because of some stupid shit I pulled.

At the same time, I was mentally crippled by some people who were very close to me. That needed validation.

But we have to be honest with ourselves. Pointing a finger means that you might have to point it right back at yourself as well. I think if we expect to be whole, healthy people we have to acknowledge our own mistakes and faults. One thing that happens when you do that is that you will probably be less likely to make the same mistake again. It's also a very humbling experience...an ego deflating experience.

I had half of the equation down before my breakthrough/meltdown. I knew I had done some bad things in the past and not a day would go by when I would not be reminded of it. I actually loathed myself at times. When I turned it around and realized how badly I'd been treated in the past things started making a lot more sense to me. How could I love someone who had abused me? How could I turn out to be anything other than a very angry man?

I've screwed up bad. I had to acknowledge that. Hell, I beat myself up over it on a daily basis. But it was time to put it to rest. People hurt me really bad, so badly that I didn't even want to acknowledge it. Now it's time to put that to rest, too.

and your probably right about how awareness helps prevent making the same mistake...

I say that knowing of course that I often do make mistakes whose reports could be filed into already labelled and well stuffed folders, folders that would suggest a lot of repetition.