Hugs.

I'll request refills. And I'm definitely going to ask my therapist to let a different provider do the assessment. The Dr. he wants me to see is, I suspect, preparing to retire.

My big fear is that I will go to the appointment with the APN, she'll be showing her usual accusatory and intimidating and indifferent attitude and I'll SNAP. I just don't think she liked me, from the start. Maybe she just doesn't like anxious patients. It seems like every time I say something, she lets me know that what I just said is stupid, wrong or ridiculous. I leave the appointment, drive straight home and crawl in to bed. Every time. They had a talk with her about my feedback and the last appointment she was, well, not worse but still had no interest in anything I had to say.

I'd love to find a new provider but that stirs up my anxiety, too. Sometimes I think I should just give up and spend what time I have left sipping on wine, eating tasty food and cuddling with my fur babies while listening to The Beatles.

and the Beatles. The only thing missing, all your friends on DU. We would join you for sure.

A few of my friends and myself have gone through similar situations and it’s complete crap. At our age it is ridiculous.

There are NINE MDs and PAs who can do these reviews. The one he wants me to see is 80 years old and has cut his hours way back. I'm at the point where I'll take ANYONE. MD, PA, I don't care. I just need some oversight from someone who isn't dismissive. I'm at the point of just heading to a local dispensary and getting my medical cannabis card.

Which brings me to another weird thing with this APN. I was handed a bunch of paperwork to fill out, between appointments, last year. One part had to do with agreeing to not use such things as cannabis while prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety medication and agreeing to be tested any time they request. FINE. I can do that. I filled it in, signed it, and brought it back with me to my next appointment. When I handed it to the APN she got upset, saying I wasn't suppose to fill that out. She was. Then WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE IT TO ME AND TELL ME TO COMPLETE IT!!!?!?! That's the pattern with her. Noting I do is right. Nothing I say has any merit. Anything I suggest is ludicrous. I'm not stupid. Far from it. But I leave there feeling like a complete loser.

I know she will be upset I waited so long to set up an appointment, but it might just be time for me to tell her why.

Really awful when someone making decision for your well being is condescending and unavailable. I'm glad cannabis is legal in CO and for the most part doctors have stopped asking patients if they use it and have stopped testing for it, at least that's what I'm hearing from others and it's been my experience as well.
Good luck to you Siwsan..You'd think medical professionals would show more respect for us old folks.

and came back and reposted.. am I losing it? oh yeah!

I'm so sorry and good luck

I've had some horrific experiences with doctors. One lied to me, saying he thought I had a fungus infection when he actually thought I had lung cancer. One doctor called me ugly, to my face, when I was just a teenager because I had acne. Another caused an injury to me during a pelvic. I had a dermatologist once do an over the shirt 'breast exam'. OK, he groped me. Oh, and I woke up during eye surgery and the surgeon got mad at ME!!!

And don't get me started on my father's misdiagnosis. They said he had MS. He was 68. How many 68 year old men develop MS? It was actually a brain tumor and by the time they discovered their ultimate fuck up, it was too late.

So, on top of elevated BP, I have a hefty case of anxiety AND white coat hypertension that nobody seems to bother to understand except to say it's my fault.

I'm at the point of just giving up and waiting for the inevitable. Which might not happen if I get the right anxiety medication stay away from all other doctors.

Sorry - I am a total wreck, today. I feel sorry for my therapist. I'll probably blubber my way through the appointment. If he's lucky I won't throw up.

From your posts, I've gotten the impression that the APN you've been dealing with has a very limited understanding of anxiety disorders, little to no knowledge of how to treat them appropriately, and little, if any, interest in becoming more informed about these things. In short, based on my own experience as a mental health patient, she sounds grossly unqualified to treat your anxiety and unlikely to ever become truly qualified to do so. It really worries me that someone like that seems to have complete control over your ability to get the meds you need.

Personally, I'm a big fan of seeing a psychiatrist for mental health meds. They are, after all, the experts on mental health issues and the medications used to treat them. I've been fortunate to be able to see a psychiatrist for my depression meds for the last 20+ years, and it's worked really well for me. I only have to see him 3 to 4 times a year, and the appointments are very brief, just a quick check in about how I'm doing and whether anything's changed since the last time.

I would love to see you be able to access that kind of care, and if there's any possibility of that option being open to you, I highly recommend it. If not, I am sure there are any number of health care providers who would do a much better job than that APN. I hope your therapist can hook you up with someone good.

Please keep us posted. I know we are all rooting for you here!

We are all here for you, and your kitties.