Hugs. We are all terrified.

Do some serious Google and YouTube searches for tapping. Tapping is a kind of self-administered touch therapy to vital energy points to relieve stress, burnout, emotional pain from specific issues. It's good you've ID'd the source of pain. It gives tangible areas to work on. Tapping is more prevalent in UK and Canada, we tend to use EMDR and accu-puncture here in the US so we can pay more, but TAPPING is just as good and totally flexible for the isolated end-user. Let us know how you're healing!

with you. You mentioned therapies that were not helpful, but I have one suggestion. Are you in a state, or have you at least checked into, psyllicybin therapies? I know it is now legal here in CO (OR? WA?) With, apparently, hopeful outcomes.

Not to type platitudes, but you are a valued member of this community, at the very least. Your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need.

First off, if you are on any meds make sure depression and suicidal thoughts are not a side effect.

It is easy to slide into that rabbit hole you are in but you're wanting to heal will be the thing that heals you.

Stay away from all news and on-line news sources, that includes DU, until you feel more centered. Others here on DU have done it. I suggest you take long walks every day in nature, not around your neighborhood, don't wear ear buds, and if you take a walking partner don't talk during the walk. You are out in nature to listen to nature. Animals are a great source of comfort and balance. If you can incorporate them into the process, contact an animal shelter to see how you can help.

These times are hard on all of us.

I have the same feelings of worthlessness, despair and frustration. What helps me is having someone who depends on me for his well being, namely my dog Blue. He gives me a reason to get out of bed, to stop wallowing in my misery. As a bonus, he can sense my mood and gives me love and makes me laugh. That's what helps me.

I truly hope you can find your "Blue". In the meantime, this community of people are here for you and really, REALLY want you here with us!

The only help I get is from long walks and some B-12 under my tongue. I find short interaction with strangers at yard sales make me feel normal. , but that’s just me.
You can search for cognitive behavioral strategies for PTSD. Those also helped.

sought to destroy your self esteem and self worth in the past.

Last year, I broke the yokes of those family members who used narcissism to make me destroy myself.

This year has been the best year of my life. Literally.

Complex PTSD:From Surviving to Thriving by Peter Walker

I’ve been through lots of therapy in my life, but none specifically for CPTSD, so this book helped me a lot. There is an especially helpful 13 steps for managing ‘flashbacks’ that I typed up and keep with me. Just realizing that my anxiety attacks were actually flashbacks was kind of liberating!

My heart goes out to you,
Take care,
C.